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| Posted by Heather Iannaccio on 11-Aug-2005 | Ready for some Football?An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says -
"Touchdown, tie score!"
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says -
"Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, -
"Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says -
"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"
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| Posted by Vortex on 11-Aug-2005 | Hunting Trip.Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest.
The first has no arms.
The second no legs.
And the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my freakin' ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some idiot puts a swimming cap on me!"
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| Posted by HOMER J. SIMPSON on 11-Aug-2005 | Lesbian GolfTwo lesbians were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says,
"I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the woman calls out to her partner, "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the pussy willows."
She screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
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| Posted by John C. Kober on 14-Aug-2005 | Small WorldTwo guys are playing golf. The women in front of them are really taking
their time and are slowing the men down.
So one man says to his friend, "I'm gonna go ask those ladies if we can
play through." He starts walking toward them, but about halfway there, he
turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.
He replies, "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress.
Why don't you go talk to them?"
So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns
around.
When he gets back, his friend asks, "Now what happened?" To this he
replies, "It's a small world."
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1 people have rated this joke: |
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| Posted by cs on 10-Aug-2005 | Aerobics Instructor HumorQ. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a well mannered
professional torturer?
A. The torturer would apologize first.
Q. Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road?
A. Someone on the other side could still walk.
Q. What do aerobics instructors and people who make bacon have in common?
A. They both tear hams into shreds.
Q. How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Four!...Three!...Two!...One!
Q. An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor
all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first?
A. It doesn't matter - none of them exist.
Q. What do you call an aerobics instructor who doesn't cause pain and agony?
A. Unemployed.
Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist?
A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.
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| Posted by mooseman on 14-Aug-2005 | Randy Moss JokeWhat is the difference between Randy Moss and a dollar.
You can get four quarters out of a dollar.
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