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| Posted by Thomas H. Mitchell on 09-Aug-2005 | Rectum StretcherPulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill.
Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed "I can't break this! I need exact change."
"Come on buddy." Jack pleaded, "Can't you give me a break, just this once?"
"Nope. Sorry. Exact change!" Answered the collector.
"While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, "Do you really like this job?"
"Well it's not the best job that I've ever had, but it pays the bills," replied the collector. "what do you do for a living?" he asked.
Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
"A what?" asked the collector.
"A rectum stretcher." Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance.
"What does a rectum stretcher do?" The collector asked.
"Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums." Jack explained setting aside a nickle.
"Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?" The collector asked.
"Oh you'd be surprised. It's real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It's the new trend." Jack said.
Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, "Well if you don't mind me asking, I mean if it's not too personal, how big do you, well you know...?"
"How big do I stretch them?" Jack interupted. "Most of them, not too big," He continued, "but I have stretched some up to six feet."
"SIX FEET!" The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. "Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?"
Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, "Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls."
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Hope moynahan on 09-Aug-2005 | On timeA woman bought two airplane tickets on Southwestern airline, one for her and one for her six-year-old son. This was his very first plane trip.
They were flying along when the little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mommy, if big elephants have little elephants, and big dogs have little dogs, do big airplanes have little airplanes?"
Not wanting to get into the subject of sex with her son, the woman was at a loss as to what to tell him. So, she simply instructed him to ask one of the stewardesses.
A little later, the boy grabbed hold of a stewardess who was passing by his seat. "Miss," he said, "If big elephants have little elephants, and big dogs have little dogs, do big airplanes have little airplanes?"
Looking suspiciously at the child's mother, the stewardess said, "I bet she told you to ask me that, didn't she?"
"Yes," the little boy replied. "But do they?"
After giving the question a little thought, the stewardess responded, "No, honey, the big airplanes at Southwestern do not have little airplanes, because we always pull out on time."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
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| Posted by Sexy Monster on 09-Aug-2005 | IntercomThe jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport in Toronto on its final approach.
The pilot comes on over the intercom and says, "Ladies and gentlemen. This is Capt. Johnson speaking. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
Unknowingly, the pilot forgets to switch off the intercom and the entire plane can now hear the conversation in the cockpit.
The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, Captain, what are you gonna do here in Toronto?"
By now, all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.
"Well," says the Captain, "First, I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a nice, long crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper. You know, the cute one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, then take her back to my room, and then I'm gonna fuck her brains out all night."
Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
She's so embarrassed, she runs from the back of the plane to get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes, flat on her face.
The old lady leans over to her and says calmly, "No need to run, dear. He said he's gotta take a shit first!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Clark Kent
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| Posted by Insane Wizard on 09-Aug-2005 | Emergency brakeAn Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
???Ma??™am, I??™m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning,??? the policeman says. ???You have a broken reflector on your buggy.???
???I??™ll tell my husband as soon as I get home,??? the Amish woman replies.
???Also,??? continues the officer, ???one of your reins is looped around the horse??™s balls. That??™s animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that too!???
So the lady goes home and tells her husband about her encounter. ???Well, dear, what exactly did the officer say???? the Amish man asks.
???He said the reflector is broken.???
???I can fix that in two minutes. What else????
???I??™m not sure . . . something about the emergency brake.???
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
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| Posted by Samuel P. Wilson on 09-Aug-2005 | Coffee & a blow jobIn a commercial flight, the captain announces that there is turbulence and that the passengers should buckle their seatbelts.
After the announcement, he turns to his co-pilot and says, "I sure could use a nice cup of coffee and a blow-job right about now," not realizing that the intercom is still on.
A stewardess dashes up the aisle to tell him that the intercom was on.
Just before she reaches the doorway, a guy in back yells, "Hey babe, don't forget the coffee!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Sarah Magruder on 09-Aug-2005 | Them TexansThe National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years.
The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
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