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| Posted by Erhan Eryurt on 13-Aug-2005 | Words of the WiseWORDS OF THE WISE
1. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones
2. Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. - Woody Allen
3. Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they ticked me off.
4. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
5. All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. - Jane Wagner
8. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. - Richard Harkness, The NewYork Times, 1960
9. Women's creed: Men are like linoleum. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for 20 years. - unknown NOW member
10. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown
12. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. - Douglas Adams
14. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. - Ashleigh Brilliant
23. 'Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates, what is the meaning of life?' or 'Socrates, how can I find happiness?', but did anyone ever say 'Socrates, hemlock is poison.'???' - Socrates minutes before death.
25. Definition of Stress: The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's desire to beat or choke the living crap out of some jerk who desperately needs it.
26. Television is called a medium. This is because it is neither rare nor well done.
27. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
30. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
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| Posted by Manoj Joshi on 13-Aug-2005 | Southwest Airlines QuotesAs the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!'
'Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please, place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.'
'As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please, do not leave children or spouses.'
'Thank you for flying Southwest Airlines. Last one off the plane must clean it.'
'Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. At Southwest Airlines we are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!'
'Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.'
'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.'
'Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.'
'Thank you for flying with us today, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.'
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| Posted by KissyFace on 13-Aug-2005 | Dave Barry Turns 50'WORDS OF WISDOM AT THE HALF CENTURY MARK'
From the book, 'Dave Barry Turns 50'
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe 'Daylight Saving Time'.
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
11. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness'.
12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out 'THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT', and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out 'SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT'. Then the next time, it spits out 'FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT'. And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.
14. Nobody is normal.
15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce: -the universe is even bigger than they thought! -there are even more subatomic particles than they thought! -whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings'.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: -If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical; -If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability; -If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's 'born-on' date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.
And so on. On those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at the product - as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign - it's because the advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good. If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as 'Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants Attention', I would quit my job to work for his campaign.
19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
20. You should not confuse your career with your life.
21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
24. Your friends love you anyway.
25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
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