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| Posted by Odd V. Sevland on 14-Aug-2005 | Resume QuotesThese are taken from real resumes and cover letters.
1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor a spreasheet progroms."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
comments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel to respond to
my resume on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paraniod, trusting completely no one and
absolutly nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I posess no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investmensts."
20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have
never quit a job."
22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to
work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
employers."
25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
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| Posted by nick g on 14-Aug-2005 | Steven Wrigth Quotes 3- When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a
great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people
ask me if I'm leaving.
- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came
back the entire area was missing.
- It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
- I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said,
"Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know where
sleep is." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of
tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and
just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said, "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
- I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because
that means it's going to be up all night.
- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you
sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
- Earlier today I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept
wandering.
- One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in
somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all
over the world.
- My girlfriend does her nails with whiteout. When she's asleep,
I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
- I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't
find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they
were!
- I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She
looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored
socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same
because I go by thickness."
- I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. You turn on
the record, put the headphones on and learn Spanish in your
sleep; during the night the record got stuck. The next day I
could only stutter in Spanish.
- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
- Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a
dotted line. He caught every other fish.
- There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot.
- I bought a dog the other day, he_s really smart!...I named him
Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here,
Stay!" Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little
pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around
in circles.
- The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on
the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid
of widths.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation...go figure
- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came
up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?
- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans.
- I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me they were
cramming for their finals.
- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny
spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use...
Toothpicks?
- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do_ write to these men? Why don't they
just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen
could look for them while they delivered the mail?
- How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
- If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the OTHERS here for?
- Clones are people two.
- If a man says something in the woods and there are no women
there, is he still wrong?
- If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
- Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is
that considered a hostage situation?
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
- I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd
be gone. I said, "The whole time."
- So what's the speed of dark?
- How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who
has been dissing them anyhow?
- After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before
getting OUT of the water?
- If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it
in?
- I just got skylights put in my apartment. The people who live
above me are furious.
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():funny quotes (263): I spilt spot remover on my dog, now's he gone.... |
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| Posted by Pimp Daddy on 14-Aug-2005 | Rep. Dick Armey on Bill ClintonNominated for quote of the year is this statement made by Rep. Dick Armey,
who when asked if he were in the Presidents place, would he resign,
responded:
"If I were in the President's place I would not get a chance to resign. I
would be lying in a pool of my own blood hearing Mrs. Armey standing over
me saying, 'How do I reload this damn thing?'"
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