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| Posted by colton on 09-Aug-2005 | Round for the houseA drunk walks into a bar and says loudly, "Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE, and have one yourself, too!"
The crowd cheers, the bartender pours and passes out the drinks, then knocks back a shot himself.
"That'll be $80 for the round," says the bartender, to which the man replies, "I don't have a plug nickel."
The angry bartender drags the man to the door and roughly throws him into the street.
The next night, the drunk again walks in and says, "Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE---and go ahead and have one yourself, too!"
As the crowd cheers, the bartender reasons to himself that no one would come in and do that twice, and that the man probably has the money for the previous night, so he passes out the shots and knocks one back himself.
"Ok, that's $80 for last night, and $63 for tonight,"
The man replies, "I don't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, sorry to say."
The bartender, enraged at this, smashes the man in the head over and over as he drags him to the door and again throws him roughly into the street.
The next night, amazingly, the bartender hears over his shoulder as he's working, "Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE."
Turning around, he can't believe the drunk is back for a third time.
"What, nothing for me this time?"
"Hell no," says the drunk. "You get MEAN when you drink!"
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| Posted by Curt D. Hager on 09-Aug-2005 | Two old drunksTwo old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.
The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."
"So", says the second drunk, "What's yer point?"
"Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
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| Posted by Champ on 09-Aug-2005 | Lost girlfriendA bartender is preparing to close the bar. He has to ask the last man to leave after staying all afternoon & evening.
The man leaves with no problem. The bartender sweeps up, puts the chairs up, turns out the lights and is just about to lock the door when someone pounds on the door.
He opens the door to find the man who he had just asked to leave standing there.
The drunk says "You have to help me, I can't find my car".
The bartender ask's "Where did you last see it?"
The drunk replies "It was right here on the end of my key".
The bartender realizing that the man was in no condition to drive, told him "come on back in, I'll turn on the lights and call you a cab".
When he got the man inside, he noticed that his fly was open and his pecker was hanging out.
He told the man "Hey, your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out"!!
The drunk looked down in astonishment and screamed "OH NO! First my Car and NOW my Girlfriend!!!!
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| Posted by gamma on 09-Aug-2005 | Neutron in barA neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
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| Posted by Luis F. Tefonse on 09-Aug-2005 | Cunning manEach time the man visits this bar he has a little white box with him.
The lady bartender is finally overcome with interest, and ask: "What's in the box?"
To which he replies "The most amazing frog ever. He loves to go down on women and he is really great."
She suggest she found out how how good the frog is.
In the back room she takes off all her clothes, and spreads her legs apart as the man takes the frog out of the box and places him between her legs.
After several minutes nothing is happening. The man reaches down and picks the frog up, and shaking him says: "Now listen, I am going to show you one more time!"
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| Posted by Rita R. Mccarty on 09-Aug-2005 | Bigger than a horseA guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he see's a big jar full of 5's and a little card it reads:
Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh. COST $5
So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom.
2 minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor.
So the guy takes the money and leaves.
THE NEXT DAY:
The same guy walks in the bar again and see's the horse and the jar, this time it says:
You can win all of this if you make the horse cry. $10
So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom.
4 minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had. So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks "How did you do that?"
The guy says "The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!"
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