|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by radioactive peanut on 11-Aug-2005 | Rudolf the Bengal tigerRudolf the Bengal reindeer. Copyright Mrs. G.Parry
(To the traditional tune of ???¬?Rudolf the red nosed reindeer???¬? and last verse ???¬?Santa clause is coming to town???¬?, played on Indian instruments.)
Rudolf the Bengal reindeer, had a very stripy coat.
And if you ever saw him, you would know it???¬??s not a joke.
All of the other reindeer,
Used to laugh and call him names.
They wouldn???¬??t let poor Rudolf,
Join in any reindeer games.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa called to say,
Rudolf with your coat so bright,
Won???¬??t you pull my sleigh tonight.
Rudolf the Bengal reindeer
With a very shinny smile.
Knew that his luck was changing,
in a very little while.
Then how the reindeer worried
And they shouted out in fear
Rudolf the Bengal reindeer
He was getting much too near.
A sleigh with presents all aboard
A busy night ahead
Santa thought it very weird
How his Reindeer disappeared.
Rudolf the Bengal reindeer, had a very stripy coat.
And if you ever saw him, you would know its not a joke.
All of the elves and Santa
Knew that Rudolf couldn???¬??t stay
They wouldn???¬??t let poor Rudolf
They all chased him far away.
You???¬??d better watch out
You???¬??d better take care
You???¬??d better not cry
I???¬??m telling you why
Rudolf is coming to town
Grrrrrr.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by lisa g on 11-Aug-2005 | ChristmasPositive Thinking for Christmas
Lately there???¬??s been a lot of negative images and about Christmas conjured up. Usually it???¬??s from TV, movies, books, and the Internet. This makes for a sad, dreary Christmas, just the opposite, as what it should be. To cheer up the dreariness, caused by these negatives, the following list should be used. First is listed the negative idea or image. Then is the positive thinking needed to replace those negatives. So with positive thinking everyone will have a Joyous and Happy Christmas Season.
1. Negative
On TV and in movies Santa Claus shown as a drunk being hauled of to jail.
Positive
Think of how easy it is to get a bicycle, instead of your usual lump of coal, by mugging Santa.
2. Negative
How Santa might not get to your house before morning, because of a blizzard.
Positive
How fast the sled and reindeer can fly with a 60 mile per hour tail wind.
3. Negative
Elfs going on strike and there are no toys in the stores to be given to you as presents.
Positive
The money you save by rewrapping the presents you received last year and giving as presents this year.
4. Negative
You are getting no presents because Santa is too fat to fit down the chimney.
Positive
Think of how the reindeers feel after pulling a fat guy around the world in one night.
5. Negative
Thinking of what strange things an old man is doing in your living room in the middle of the night.
Positive
Tape Santas' visit and sell the tape as a video to a cable company that features New Rock Bands.
6. Negative
Grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Positive
More presents for me.
7. Negative
Not getting presents, because the reindeers are sick and can???¬??t pull the sled.
Positive
More deermeat for Santa.
8. Negative
How it???¬??s really hard for Santa to get down the chimney with the fire burning full blast.
Positive
How easy it is for Santa to get up the chimney.
9.Negative
Santa and his reindeers getting shot down by a missile when coming into Canada from the North Pole.
Positive
Presents for the caribou.
10. Negative
How lonely Mrs. Claus gets with Santa away all Christmas Eve.
Positive
The one night a year to party with the Elfs.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Justin D. Dickenson on 11-Aug-2005 | Top 10 Halloween Things10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag....OH!-You're having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth,
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Me Mo on 11-Aug-2005 | Thanksgiving Forecast...Thanksgiving Forecast:
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F.The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway.During the evening, the turkey will dimish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established.Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day.We expect a warming trend where soup develops.By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Mark B. Cullen on 11-Aug-2005 | Valentine's DayHearts and roses and What the hell is al People get mushy and st It is definatley the most annoying This day needs to get the hell ov Before i shove a dozen rose I'll spend the day so dru And wear all black for the Guys act all sweet, but i For all they are doing is tr The arrow Cupid shot at me m Because I think love is So heres my story...what Love bites my ass...Fuck Valentines Day!
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Suki on 11-Aug-2005 | SEASON'S GREETINGS!The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share, and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitute a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the compensation committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Action is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys' association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing").
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Happy Holidays!
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
