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| Posted by Tiger Lily on 14-Aug-2005 | Satan's soulsThere was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled
up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began
dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"
said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
you." He knew what it was. "Oh, my goodness!" he shuddered, "It's Satan
and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"
He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St.
Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The old man said,
"Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"
After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for
you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've
been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."
Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see
anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for
me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the
fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!
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| Posted by Marnie Richards on 14-Aug-2005 | SmugglerJuan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large
bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the
bags?"
"Sand," answers Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard
takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing
in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,
only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the
man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the
border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years. Finally,
Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in
Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's
driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you
and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
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| Posted by Jessica Tedesco on 14-Aug-2005 | Old Lady Makes Three WishesAn old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch,
reflecting on her long life. All of a sudden a fairy godmother appears
in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now." says the old lady "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*POOF* her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*POOF* she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh-can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*POOF* there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone
could possibly inagine.
She stares at him, smitten.
With a smile that makes her knees weak he saunters across the porch and
whispers in her ear "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
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| Posted by Lauren M on 14-Aug-2005 | Hotter than HadesA thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate
students. It had one question:
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we
need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are
leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell,
it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls
are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the
world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death
rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay
the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives
two possibilities.
#1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
Hell breaks loose.
#2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by
Ms. Laura Turner during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night
in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I
still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2
cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
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| Posted by christina d. clemons on 14-Aug-2005 | Dad's Practical JokesParents are embarrassing, Take my dad. Every time a friend comes
to stay the night, he does something that makes my face go red.
Now don't get me wrong. He is a terrific dad. I love him but
sometimes I think he will never grow up. He loves playing
practical jokes.
This behavior first started one night when Anna came to sleep
over. Unknown to me, dad sneaks into my room and puts Doona, our
cat, on the spare bed. Doona loves sleeping on beds. What cat
doesn't? Next dad unwraps a little package that he has bought at
the magic shop. Do you know what is in it? Can you believe this?
It is a little piece of brown plastic cat poo. Pretend cat poo.
He puts this piece of cat poo on Anna's pillow and pulls up the
blankets. Then he tiptoes out and closes the door.
I do not know any of this is happening. Annna and I are sitting
up late watching videos. We eat chips covered in sauce and drink
two whole bottles of Diet Coke. Finally we decide to go to bed.
Anna takes ages and ages cleaning her teeth. She is one of those
kids who is into health. She has a thing about germs. She always
places paper on the toilet seat before she sits down. She is So
clean.
She puts on her tracksuit bottoms and gets ready for bed. Then
she pulls back the blankets. Suddenly she sees the bit of cat's
poo. "Ooh, ooh, ooh," she screams. "Oh, look, disgusting. Foul.
Look what the cat's done on my pillow." Suddenly dad bursts into
the room. "What's up, girls?" he says with a silly grin on his
face. "What's all the fuss about?"
Anna is pulling a terrible face. "Look," she says in horror as
she points to the pillow.
Dad goes and examines the plastic poo. "Don't let a little thing
like that worry you," he says. He picks up the plastic poo and
pops it into his mouth. He gives a grin. "D'licioush," he says
through closed lips.
"Aargh," screams Anna. She rushes over to the window and throws
up chips, sauce, and Diet Coke. Then she looks at dad in disgust.
Dad is a bit taken aback at Anna being sick. "It's okay," he
says, taking the plastic poo out of his mouth. "It's not real."
Dad gives a laugh and off he goes. And off goes Anna. She
decides that she wants to go home to her own house. And I don't
blame her.
"Dad," I yell after Anna is gone. "I am never speaking to you
again." "Don't be such a baby," he says. "It's only a little
joke." It's always the same. Whenever a friend comes over to
stay, dad plays practical jokes. We have fake hands in the
trash, exploding drinks, pepper in the food, short-sheeted beds,
and Dracula's blood seeping out of dad's mouth. Some of the kids
think its great. They wish their dads were like mine. But I hate
it. I just wish he were normal. He plays trick on Bianca. And
Yasmin. And Nga. And Karla. None of them go home like Anna. But
each time I am so embarrassed.
And now I am worried. Cynthia is coming to stay. She is the
school captain. She is beautiful. She is smart. Everyone wants
to be her friend. And now she is sleeping over at our house.
"Dad," I say. "No practical jokes. Cynthia is very mature. Her
father would never play practical jokes. She might not
understand." "No worries," says dad.
Cynthia arrives, but we do not watch videos. We slave away on
our English homework. We plan our speeches for the debate in the
morning. We go over our parts in the school play. After all
that, we go out and practice shooting baskets, because Cynthia
is captain of the basketball team. Every now and then I pop into
the bedroom to check for practical jokes. It is best to be on
the safe side. We also do the dishes because Cynthia
offers--yes--offers to do it.
Finally it is time for bed. Cynthia changes into her nightie in
the bathroom and then joins me in the bedroom. "The cat's on my
bed," she says. "But it doesn't matter. I like cats." She pulls
back the blankets. And screams. "Aagh. Cat poo. Filthy cat poo
on my pillow." She yells and yells and yells. Just then dad
bursts into the room with a silly grin on his face. He goes over
and looks at the brown object on the pillow. He picks it up and
pops it into his mouth. But this time he does not give a grin.
His face freezes over. "Are you looking for this?" I say. I hold
up a bit of plastic poo that Dad had hidden under the blankets
earlier that night. Dad looks at the cat. Then he rushes over to
the window and is sick. Cynthia and I laugh like mad. We do love
a good joke.
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| Posted by herman g. romanutti on 14-Aug-2005 | Penis ProblemThis little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls
out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of
those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your
asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't
have one." A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the
boy asks, "Can I have on of those?"
Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?"
to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have
one." Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for
food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the
little boy says "I just won $50,000"
Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"
The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to
touch your asshole?" "Yes," Says grandpa. "Then go fuck
yourself!"
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