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| Posted by Lindsay Drue Whitley on 14-Aug-2005 | Scaring the Cashiers at HalloweenIf you really want to scare the cashiers at your local supermarket for Halloween, go to the store and purchase a large bag of apples and a box of razor blades.
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():holiday jokes (333): Top 10 Resolutions you won't keep next year |
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| Posted by Joe Mom on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 10 Resolutions you won't keep next year10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk..
9. I will stop sending email to my roommate.
8. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.
7. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my email.
6. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
5. I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? OK, dear... I'm coming. Never mind.
4. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
3. I resolve to back up my new 1GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...
2. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Net.
1. I won't try to get onto the Netscape ftp site as soon as a new Navigator beta comes out.
0. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support."
-1. I will read the manual.
-2. I will think of a password other than "password."
-3. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.
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| Posted by Mark P. Wyner on 13-Aug-2005 | This year, I resolve to...1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the blazing OC-12 line.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Not have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
16. Not bet against the Minnesotta Vikings.
17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
18. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
19. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.
20. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
21. Not eat cloned meat.
22. Create loose ends.
23. Get more toys.
24. Get further in debt.
25. Not believe Bill Clinton.
26. Break at least one traffic law.
27. Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
28. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
29. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
30. Stay off the MIR space station.
31. Not worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world.
32. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
33. Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.
34. Associate with even worse business clients.
35. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
36. Not take spaceship rides behind comets.
37. Not try to escape from a maximum security prison.
38. Wait around for opportunity.
39. Focus on the faults of others.
40. Mope about my faults.
41. Never make New Year's resolutions again.
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| Posted by Piper_85 on 13-Aug-2005 | Twas the Computer Before ChristmasTwas the night before Christmas,
when all through the house
not a peripheral was stirring,
not even the mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
in hopes that new software soon would be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of the Internet danced in their heads.
And Mama in her rollers, and I with a nightcap,
had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap.
When out on the Net there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the monitor I flew like a flash,
opened the menu, and threw away hard earned cash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but an Internet website and eight links far and near.
With a hardware driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must do the trick.
More rapid than eagles, the errors they came,
my webserver problems no longer a pain?
Now Egghead! Now Best Buy! Now, Shop-ko and K-Mart!
On Daltons! On Waldens! On, Kohls and on Wal-Mart!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now spend your cash! Spend your cash! Spend your cash all!
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky
but up to my hard-drive the problems they flew,
with a disk full of errors and CD-Roms, too!
And then in a twinkling, I heard a wave file.
with a beep and a buzz I knew I'd be waiting awhile!
As I rolled up my eyes and was turning around,
a virtual St. Nicholas appeared with a bound.
Electronically dressed in fur, from head to foot,
his clothes were all tarnished with virtual ashes and soot.
A bundle of software he had flung on his back,
and he looked like a salesman just opening his pack.
His VGA eyes twinkled! His paintbrush dimples merry!
His pantone cheeks were like roses, his nose a cherry!
His downloaded mouth was drawn up like a bow,
and his bitmap beard was as white as the snow.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
and virtual smoke encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a GUI face and a round little belly,
that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.
He was drafted in graphics, a right jolly old elf,
and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
and fixed all my fatal errors, then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger aside of his face,
and giving a nod, to the hard-drive he raced.
He into the mist of hidden files obsessed,
disappeared until next year his function keys pressed.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he blinked out of sight,
Happy Christmas to all, and a web site good night!
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| Posted by Max Margulies on 13-Aug-2005 | Good Christmas GiftA young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart's birthday. So he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note.
While wrapping up the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed up the order and sent a pair of panties instead.
Here is the note the young man wrote to his sweetheart: Darling, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but because your sister wears the short ones that are so easy to remove, I decided to get the same style for you. Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks, and they hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on for me and she really looked smart... I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt, many other hands will touch them before I see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. And be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they won't shrink. Just think how many times I will kiss then during the coming year! I hope you like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love, Hollingsworth
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 18 Signs the Santa at the Mall is Nuts |
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| Posted by Smiley Gal on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 18 Signs the Santa at the Mall is Nuts18. Shaves head and beard, then insists on being called "Santa Kurtz."
17. Tells kids about the comparative kill ratio of the AK-47 over the Daisy Air Rifle.
16. Those nasty chewing tobacco streaks in his beard.
15. Has a complimentary tray of North Pole "Tundra Oysters" ready for the toddlers.
14. After every child's request, asks, "Wouldn't you rather have a nice big bag of clams?"
13. The twinkle in his eye and the twitch of his nose are due to a lack of medication.
12. Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, "You've been bad and now you're going down, punk!"
11. Actually enjoys it when small children urinate on his lap.
10. Promises children O.J. will be cleared of all wrongdoing.
9. Caught drinking red wine with fish during break.
8. "Hey kid, bet I can wet my pants faster than you can!"
7. Insists on blowing his nose in children's hair.
6. Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have never worn white gloves or shiny black boots.
5. That snowy beard? Nothin' but nose hair.
4. Answers every child's toy request with "Dream on, PeeWee!"
3. When a child wets on his lap, he returns the favor.
2. Instead of a candy cane, gives each kid a pack of Marlboros and a homemade venison pie.
1. While it's admittedly a nifty trick, blowing smoke rings out of his tracheotomy hole is just scaring the hell out of the kiddies.
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