jokes and quotes

Categories

Seeing Eye Dogs

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a
Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy
with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get
something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go
in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman
Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman
Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk
in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The
guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This
is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman
Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very
good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts
on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the
door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the
Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye
dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the
Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

2 people have rated this joke:

6.50/10


	():animal jokes (1719): Of Elephants and Marshmallows

Posted by Frans Lemstra on 10-Aug-2005

Of Elephants and Marshmallows

Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?

Because he didn't want to fall into the hot chocolate

6 people have rated this joke:

6.17/10


	():animal jokes (1719): very funny joke

Posted by Dylan W. Maloney on 14-Aug-2005

very funny joke

what did the fish say to the other fish
if u don't shut your mouth you'll get cought

2 people have rated this joke:

5.50/10


	():animal jokes (1719): Sex With Gorilla

Posted by Chris Taylor on 08-Aug-2005

Sex With Gorilla

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.

So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500. He responded that he was interested but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?

"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

2 people have rated this joke:

5.50/10


	():animal jokes (1719): Gwapes

Posted by shawn Nibble on 13-Aug-2005

Gwapes

A duck walks into a store and walks up to the clerk behind the counter,the clerk says "May I help you?" "Got any gwapes?" says the duck. "No I am sorry." Says the clerk. So the duck leaves and comes back the next day and to the same clerk says "Got any gwapes?" "No!" says the clerk "We still do not have any grapes"So the duck goes home and the next day comes back and once again they do not have grapes!So the clerk in frustration says"Look we do not and will not have any grapes if you come back and ask me again i will staple your mouth shut and staple your feet to the ground!"So the next day the duck comes back and goes to the same clerk and says "Got any staples?" "No." Says the clerk "Good!" Says the duck "Got any gwapes?"

2 people have rated this joke:

5.50/10


	():animal jokes (1719): Skydiving

Posted by cory on 14-Aug-2005

Skydiving

A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were
all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to
jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and
grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.

But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival
on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered "Oh, that's the easy part. It's when the
dog's leash goes slack."

2 people have rated this joke:

5.00/10