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| Posted by SexyChic04 on 14-Aug-2005 | Seeing Eye DogsThere's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a
Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy
with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get
something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go
in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman
Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman
Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk
in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The
guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This
is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman
Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very
good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts
on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the
door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the
Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye
dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the
Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
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| Posted by Chelsea Wilson on 12-Aug-2005 | What do you call a gay dinosaur?What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A megasorass.
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| Posted by Stephen W. Gradwell on 14-Aug-2005 | JimWhy did Jim fall of the bike?
Because Jim was a fish.
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| Posted by Matt N on 13-Aug-2005 | Why did the koala fall out of the tree?...Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
Because it was hit by the first koala.
Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
Because it thought it was a game and joined in.
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| Posted by Thai on 09-Aug-2005 | Q: What has four legs and an arm?A: A happy pit bull.
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| Posted by NY on 11-Aug-2005 | Born FreeA rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits? 'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked. 'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.' This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?' 'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.' The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We have sex with them. Go and try it.' Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.
'That was fantastic,' he panted. 'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked. 'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.' The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.'
'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette.'
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| Posted by KateMaMate on 14-Aug-2005 | X-rated parrotA woman had a female parrot which kept saying, 'Hello, I am very horney.
Do you want to have some fun?' She was frantic, so she went to her Pastor
to find a solution to the problem. The Pastor said, 'Bring your bird to my
house. I have two male parrots who read the bible and pray all the time.
They will be a good influence on her.' So, the woman brought the parrot to
his house and put her parrot into the cage with the two male birds. She
squawked, 'Hello, I am very horney. Do you want to have some fun?' One
male parrot looked at the other one and said, 'Put away the Bible, Fred,
our prayers have been answered.'
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| Posted by Frans Lemstra on 10-Aug-2005 | Of Elephants and MarshmallowsWhy did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?
Because he didn't want to fall into the hot chocolate
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| Posted by Chris Taylor on 08-Aug-2005 | Sex With GorillaA certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.
So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500. He responded that he was interested but would have to think the matter over.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?
"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
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| Posted by Beck on 10-Aug-2005 | Too many cheetahsQ: Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
A: Too many cheetahs.
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| Posted by Dan B. Jamison on 13-Aug-2005 | Talking Duck
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"
"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.
"Marvellous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck looks confused and asks: "What the fuck do they want with a plasterer?"
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| Posted by Dylan W. Maloney on 14-Aug-2005 | very funny jokewhat did the fish say to the other fish
if u don't shut your mouth you'll get cought
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| Posted by Lexi M. Johnson on 14-Aug-2005 | raindeerwhat reindeer laughed at rudolf?
olive.........(say this out loud) ALL OF the other raindeer,
used to laugh and call him names..........
yah yah i kno its stupid, but ur kids will like it
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| Posted by shawn Nibble on 13-Aug-2005 | GwapesA duck walks into a store and walks up to the clerk behind the counter,the clerk says "May I help you?" "Got any gwapes?" says the duck. "No I am sorry." Says the clerk. So the duck leaves and comes back the next day and to the same clerk says "Got any gwapes?" "No!" says the clerk "We still do not have any grapes"So the duck goes home and the next day comes back and once again they do not have grapes!So the clerk in frustration says"Look we do not and will not have any grapes if you come back and ask me again i will staple your mouth shut and staple your feet to the ground!"So the next day the duck comes back and goes to the same clerk and says "Got any staples?" "No." Says the clerk "Good!" Says the duck "Got any gwapes?"
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| Posted by Notum on 14-Aug-2005 | The Bad ParrotOnce there was this old man who was lonely. So he went to the
pet store to get a dog. But they were out of dogs and wern't
going to get any more until the next millnium! So the man got a
parrot. But the store owner worrined him. "The first 3 phrases
he hears and likes he will remember."
The man brought the parrot home and some boys were climbing in
the old man's tree. "Get down from there or I'll call the
police." said the old man. The kids said"Baloney, baloney,
baloney." and the parrot repeated it.
The next day the old man tok his parrot rock climbing. Someone's
climbing partner fell into a hole and he yelled "get a rope pull
him up" and the parrot repeated it.
The next day the old man brought the parrot to a carnival. The
parrot heard someone yell, "Hit the black doll and win a prize."
and the parrot repeated it.
The next day was Sunday and the man brought the parrot to
church. The preacher began his preaching. "God lives up there."
"Baloney, baloney, baloney" yelled the parrot. The preacher
looked at him but continued. "The devil lives down there." And
the parrot yelled "Get a rope pull him up." The preacher through
the Bible at the parrot but it hit a nun and the parrot yelled
"Hit a black doll and win a prize."
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| Posted by Krista N. Andrson on 13-Aug-2005 | Legal ParrotA man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."
"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer.
The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research." The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"
To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."
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| Posted by cory on 14-Aug-2005 | SkydivingA blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were
all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to
jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and
grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.
But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival
on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh, that's the easy part. It's when the
dog's leash goes slack."
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| Posted by Dinesh SJ on 13-Aug-2005 | Peguines at the beachSo, two peguins went to the beach...and one says,"Hey, you wanna go swimming?" and the other one says,"What do I look like...A COW?!"
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| Posted by Krazy Kin Kid on 14-Aug-2005 | Dog with no nose.Lindsey:Are dog has no nose
Susie:Poor Dog,How does he smell
Lindsey:Awww,Terrible.
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| Posted by Wasabi angel on 10-Aug-2005 | Elephant PhysiologyWhy do elephants have four feet?
Because six inches isn't enough!
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| Posted by Ulax B. Cool on 10-Aug-2005 | With a monkey wrench!Q: How do you fix a broken chimp?
A: With a monkey wrench!
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| Posted by John Walsh on 14-Aug-2005 | Really Ugly!A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet
store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady
is furious and she storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said
to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked off
now.
The next day she saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey
lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so pissed off that she went into
the store and said that she would sue the store and kill that damn bird.
The store manager promised that the parrot wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her,
"Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
And the bird said, "You know."
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| Posted by J R on 12-Aug-2005 | Three flysthere are three flys in a jar two girls one boy one of the girls get tired of being in a jar so she asked the male how do we get out he said suck my dick and ill tell you so she did he told her to fly up to the top as fast as she could so she did and she broke her neck same with the other one and the boy got out.
ask how
suck my dick and ill tell you
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| Posted by luvtalaf alot on 12-Aug-2005 | African SafariA man goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an
elephant in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. The man
very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the
thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns
and stares at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him.
The elephant then continues on its way.
\"I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember
me?\" the man muses to himself.
It is a few years later, and the man is at a circus back in the
States.
He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost
like it KNOWS him. The man wonders, \"Could this be that elephant
I helped so long ago?\"
He decides to get a closer look. With the elephant still giving
him the staredown, the man moves in closer, getting right up in
front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to
cross the elephant\'s face. It reaches down... picks the man up
carefully with its trunk... lifts him high in the air...
throws him crashing to the ground and stomps him to death!
Turns out it wasn\'t that elephant.
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| Posted by Dan K on 14-Aug-2005 | Dog BathLittle Johnny walked into a grocery store and selected a large
box of laundry detergent and took it to the counter. The clerk
said, "You must have a large load of clothes to wash." "Oh no,"
said Johnny, "I'm going to give my dog a bath." "I don't think
that is the right soap to use to bathe your dog," said the
clerk. "It'll do," said Johnny, as he paid the clerk and walked
out.
A few days later Johnny goes back to the store to buy some
candy. "How's your dog?" the clerk asked. "He died", said
Johnny. "I told you that soap wasn't right for your dog,"
replied the clerk. "The soap was fine," said Johnny, "but I
think the spin cycle killed him."
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| Posted by Boogyman J. Boogster on 13-Aug-2005 | Trapping BearsHow do you trap a bear?
You dig a hole ten feet deep and ten feet wide.
You fill the hole with ashes.
Then you put peas around the hole.
When the bear comes to eat the peas you kick him in the ash hole.
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| Posted by basketballgal on 08-Aug-2005 | LIZARDSA LIZARD CAN JUMP UP AND YOU
WOULD NOT OF NOTICED UNTIL YOU CAME BACK FROM THE SKY.
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