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| Posted by mecool30 on 13-Aug-2005 | SEINSeinfeldismsWhy doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
--
Submitted by Angela Tuttle
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():funny quotes (263): "Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as
an assistant professor. It is |
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| Posted by Crusher on 09-Aug-2005 | "Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as
an assistant professor. It isBella Abzug
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():funny quotes (263): I think baseball would be a much more interesting sport if batters had
to use their arms instead of |
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| Posted by symmerhaze on 09-Aug-2005 | I think baseball would be a much more interesting sport if batters had
to use their arms instead ofAlan Smithee
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| Posted by Russell Kline on 13-Aug-2005 | Life PhilosophiesLife is just a phase you're going through...you'll get over it.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
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| Posted by Beth Henry on 14-Aug-2005 | Famous Quotes"I thought it would make a wicked wave to surf on"
-Moses, talking about the real reason he parted the Red sea.
"Scattered showers my ass"
-Noah
"Bigamy is having one wife to many. Monogamy is the same"
-Oscar Wilde
"I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better"
-any man who has been married
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I am a vegetarian because I
hate plants"
-A. Whitney Brown
"I told you I was Sick!"
-On a tombstone
"Gay Motherfucker!"
-English professor giving an example of an oxymoron
"What the hell are you trying to say?"
-any dog looking at its owner
"Time's fun when you're having flies"
-Kermit the Frog
"You want What on the fucking ceiling?"
-Michaelangelo
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