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| Posted by Matt S on 14-Aug-2005 | ShoppingA man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl
in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked
for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately
began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we
just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It
won't be long."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout
for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother
said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and
then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girls immediately began
to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering
there'd be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, "Monica, we'll
be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home
and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to
compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with
little Monica," he began.
The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."
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| Posted by Hallie S. Comet on 14-Aug-2005 | Oh So True1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've
never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.
8. It is easier to beg forgiveness than get permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need
the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel
good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of
the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three
weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize
a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the
real world
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| Posted by Lethia E. Edmondson on 14-Aug-2005 | Acid's SongSang to the tune of the alphabet
A b c d lsd, teddy bears are chasing me, green ones, red ones,
white ones too, the one behind me's got my shoe. Shit this
stuff's too strong for me, next time I'll just stick with weed.
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| Posted by mr piemanmoo on 14-Aug-2005 | Famous Last Words* It's fireproof.
* He's probably just hibernating.
* What does this button do?
* I'm making a citizen's arrest.
* So, you're a cannibal.
* It's probably just a rash.
* Are you sure the power is off?
* Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
* The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
* Pull the pin and count to what?
* Which wire was I supposed to cut?
* I wonder where the mother bear is.
* I've seen this done on TV.
* These are the good kind of mushrooms.
* I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
* Let it down slowly.
* Rat poison only kills rats.
* Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.
* It's strong enough for both of us.
* This doesn't taste right.
* I can make this light before it changes.
* Nice doggie.
* I can do that with my eyes closed.
* I've done this before.
* Well, we've made it this far.
* That's odd.
* You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
* Don't be so superstitious.
* Now watch this.
* What duck?
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| Posted by animal jokes on 14-Aug-2005 | Reneck Family TreeMany many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!!
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| Posted by Wendy on 14-Aug-2005 | Amazing AnagramsAn Anagram is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the
letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite
astounding (although I think someone has too much spare time on their
hands).
Amazing anagrams:
Dormitory == Dirty Room
Evangelist == Evil's Agent
Desperation == A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code == Here Come Dots
Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity == Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness == Genuine Class
Semolina == Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one
Contradiction == Accord not in it
The next two are truely really amazing. This well known phrase from Hamlet
by Shakespeare:
"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the
mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
becomes:
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero,
Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
This phrase from more recent history (including the name of the man
who uttered it):
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
- Neil A. Armstrong
becomes:
"A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon!
On to Mars!"
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