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():nerd jokes (650): Is the Human Race Doomed Through Stupidity? |
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| Posted by Fred Kohn on 13-Aug-2005 | Is the Human Race Doomed Through Stupidity?
Here are some actual label instructions on consumer products that may tell us that we are;
1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)-
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
21. On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
22. On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nytol sleep aid
WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
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| Posted by Anthony M. Ochoa on 13-Aug-2005 | Darwin 2000DARWIN AWARDS: Its that time of year again!! Latest Darwin Award nominees: (the Darwin award, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed).
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A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
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Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears they decided to ''moon'' the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of the plane and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
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A police officer in Ohio responded to a call that was made to 911. She had no details before arriving except that someone was reporting that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch, naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR if necessary, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man (who turned out to be dead on arrival at hospital), the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over they discovered what caused his death. Apparently the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electric sanders (with the sandpaper removed for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him to death.
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A 27 year-old French woman lost control over her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing her. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In attempting to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.
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A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. ''The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground'' Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was ''major trauma.'' An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
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A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized.
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Several years ago, in a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition -- lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket, and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. His peers had never thought of the technician that was suspected of causing the explosion as ''bright.''
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| Posted by Katie Waszczak on 13-Aug-2005 | True Insurance Claims
True extracts from UK Insurance Claim forms; These are NEW (mostly), and were collected by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas magazine.
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
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"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
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Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Traveled by bus?
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This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo
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"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
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"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
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"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
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"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
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"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
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Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.
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"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
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"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
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"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
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"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
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"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
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"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"
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"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"
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"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"
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"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
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"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not seethe other car."
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"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
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"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
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"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
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"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
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"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
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| Posted by Bertha Mark on 14-Aug-2005 | Actual Personal Ads"Actual" Personal Ads
* Bitter, unsuccessful middle aged loser wallowing in an unending sea of inert, drooping loneliness looking for 24 year old needy leech-like hanger-on to abuse with dull stories, tired sex and Herb Alpert albums. Baby, you are my Tijuana Taxi.
* Me -- trying to sleep on the bus station bench, pleading with you to give me a cigarette; you -- choking on my odor, tripping over your purse tryingto get away; at the last moment, our eyes meeting. Yours were blue. Can I have a dollar?
* Imp and angel. Disembodied head in jar, 24, seeks pixie goddess to fiddle with while Rome burns. You bring marshmallows. No. I make joke. You like laugh? I like comebacks and confessions. Send photo of someone else.
* Three toed mango peeler searching for wicked lesbian infielder. Like screaming and marking territory with urine? Let's make banana enchiladas together in my bathtub. You bring the salsa.
* I like eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches in the rain, watching Barney Miller reruns, peeing on birds in the park and licking strangers on the subway; you eat beets raw, have climbed Kilimanjaro, and sweat freely and often. Must wear size five shoes.
* There is a little place in the jumbled sock drawer of my heart where you match up all the pairs, throw out the ones with holes in them, and buy me some of those neat dressy ones with the weird black and red geometrical designs on them.
* Mmmm Pez! Rabid Wonder Woman fan looking for someone in satin tights, fighting for our rights and the old red, white 'n blue. You look like Linda Carter? Big plus. Know all words to theme song? Marry me.
* Remember that summer you spent with your parents in Hawaii and how mad you were that they made you go? And how you were hopelessly bored until you saw the most gorgeous man you'd ever encountered strolling down the beach looking at you, skillfully removing your skimpy bikini with his piercing eyes? And how you spent the last month imagining him taking you in every possible way, masturbating feverishly day and night, wishing he would reappear, but he never did because you were 15 and he would have gone to jail? That was me, and you just turned 18.
* Angry, simple-minded, balding, partially blind ex-circus flipper boy with a passion for covering lovers in sour cream and gravy seeks exotic, heavily tattooed piercing fanatic, preferably hairy and stinky, either sex, for whippings, bizarre sex and fashion consulting. No freaks.
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| Posted by nobody Nowhere on 14-Aug-2005 | Great Moments in EngineeringIn an issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from "Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story:
The US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a `ird during flight.
It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed FAA's chicken launcher,loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, broke the engineer's chair and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine's cab.
The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: Use a thawed chicken.
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