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| Posted by Fasty F. Fasty on 14-Aug-2005 | Sightings of the StupidSighting #1: I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, "sure." The next thing I hear is, "Hey, where do you put the coffee?" I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.
Sighting #2: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Sighting #3: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing DRIVING???"
Sighting #4: At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Sighting #5: I worked with an Induhvidual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Sighting #6 (a rare "double sighting"): A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.
Sighting #7 (from Tech Support): Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Induhvidual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
Sighting #8 (from Tech Support): Induhvidual: Now what do I do? Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen? Induhvidual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name." Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name. Induhvidual: How do you spell that?
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| Posted by Heavenly on 14-Aug-2005 | Actual EventsThese are actual events that took place in our bizarre world. Enjoy! Custom officials in Peru became suspicious of a man and asked him to open a suitcase he had checked on a flight to Prague. Inside, they found 17 monkeys, 10 turtles, five dwarf crocodiles, two snakes and a lizard.
A Pensacola, Florida woman called police and indignantly complained that the two rocks of crack she'd bought were fake and, in fact, tasted just like baking soda. A helpful officer tested the drugs and determined it was real crack-so the woman was arrested for possession. The assistant to the police chief said, " I guess stranger things have happened, but I personally have never seen them."
A Buenos Aires police officer was hanging out with his girlfriend when a man on horseback approached and asked for a match. "I'm sorry, but I don't have one," said the officer. The guy on horseback must have really wanted a cigarette because he took out a gun and shot the officer in the chest.
A man armed with a beer bottle abducted a cat and demanded a Tickle Me Elmo Doll as ransom. The suspect picked up the cat from the front lawn and banged at the front door ofthe house. A woman opened the door and was shocked to see her cat being held hostage. "I had never seen this man," the cat owner later said, "and I told him I don't have his doll." The man then took the cat to his car and yelled: "If you want your cat back, gimme Elmo." The abductor and the cat are still missing.
Cops in Allentown, PA discovered that a man who was arrested at the bus station with 280 small bags of heroin in his luggage had chewed the skin off of seven of his fingertips after being jailed. A police sergeant noted that, "this is certainly a strong indication that somebody somewhere is looking for him."
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| Posted by Antonio J. Lopez on 14-Aug-2005 | 1994's Most Bizarre SuicideAt the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death.
Here is the story. "On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency).
As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter no the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this."
"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands.
"The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the a window striking Opus. "When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
"The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. There was an exquisite twist. "Further investigation revealed that the son had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.
This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window. [Yup, the son was Ronald Opus] "The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."
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| Posted by Y James on 14-Aug-2005 | The Missing Lawn Ornament(true story)
A little old Lady from here in Tampa, called the Police some time in Mid Sept, and reported that one of her Lawn ornaments,(A painted Cement Duck), was stolen from her lawn. Rather distressed, she felt that she had to make the report, to have it known that there are thieving vandals in the area. Police noted the report, and let it slide.
Two weeks later, the Lady received a letter in the mail, written in the standard ransom note format, cut out letters, etc. But enclosed in the Letter were several Pictures.... of her Lawn ornament. The Cement Duck was dressed in a Leigh (Hawaiian Flower necklace type) with sunglasses and a Alcoholic Beverage. It was poised on a beach, with towels, and sunscreen, right near a sign that stated Wai-ki-ki beach.
The ransom note, not really a ransom note at all, Read: Having a good time, wish you were here
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| Posted by Savannah S. David on 14-Aug-2005 | True Radio ContestThis occurred on WGN radio last week. They have a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.
Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Good Morning its WGN, do you want to play the game?
John: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
John: Ohhh, dude. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning. Right after I finished lifting weights.
Presenter: And how long did it go?
John: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes ? Good one. And where did you do it?
John: Ohhhh, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here John!
John: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one John, now is it O.K. for us to call your girlfriend?
John: Yeah, all right
Presenter: Hi Jen, how are you ?
Jen: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got John on the other line, say hello.
Jen: Hi John.
John: Hi Jen.
Presenter: Now Jen, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked John and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
John: Just tell the truth Honey.
Jen: O.K.
Presenter: Jen, when was the last time you had sex?
Jen: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
John: Jen, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Jen: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before John went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go Jen?
Jen: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... John was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Jen, final question. Where did you do it?
Jen: Oh no I can't say that. My mom could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
John: Jen, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway .. just tell em.
Jen: Ohhhh .... all right .... up the butt!
Radio Silence
Advert
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given John and Jen the Vacation. Now we'll take a music break.
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| Posted by David J. Nicholson on 14-Aug-2005 | Darwin Award StuffTHE DARWIN AWARDS are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of) those individuals, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, have done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
1997 DARWIN NOMINEES:
(# 1) Los Angeles, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki need stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en route to the hospital.
(# 2) Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.
(# 3) Phillipsburg, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."
(# 4) In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
(# 5) MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)
(# 6) In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
(# 7) RENTON, Washington, USA. On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places.
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
1997 DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS (I.E. Non-fatalities)
Gulf Breeze, Florida, three unidentified teenage males were using a home video camera to film an action/adventure "movie" one of the boys had written. In a scene that called for each character to be ignited by fire, the "special effects coordinator," age 15, prepared the "stunt" youth by dousing lighter fluid onto his clothes. The intentional fire, which proved unexpectedly difficult to extinguish, left the young man with third degree burns on his left arm, torso, and both legs. It was all captured on film.
In Bradford, PA, J. Cruwe, 28, caught a small snake in a container which he handed to his wife. She opened the container and, startled to see the snake, dropped it. The excited and poisonous snake immediately bit Mr. Cruwe on the shin. Mr Cruwe survived the wound and recovered after a short visit to the local emergency room.
TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the middle of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and pulled his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the frigid waters of the Tacoma Narrows and Puget Sound and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "Is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's severed foot was never located.
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