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():top list jokes (540): Signs the Enterprise is Nearing the End of its Warranty |
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| Posted by Scotman23 on 14-Aug-2005 | Signs the Enterprise is Nearing the End of its Warranty21: Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
20: Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
19: Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
18: Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now held up by phone book.
17: Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
16: Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
15: Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.
14: Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
13: Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
12: Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along eitherside become too steep for crew to climb.
11: Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.
10: Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.
9: Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.
8: Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
7: Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
6: Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
5: Ship's dryer indiscriminately shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
4: Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please with sugar on it".
3: Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes and loses access to nude volleyball program.
2: Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
1: Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.
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| Posted by Dan Smee on 14-Aug-2005 | Some favorite Redundancies* added bonus
* exactly right
* closed fist
* future potential
* inner core
* money-back refund
* seeing the sights
* true fact
* revert back
* safe haven
* prior history
* young children
* time period
* sum total
* end result
* temper tantrum
* ferryboat
* free gift
* bare naked
* combined total
* unique individual
* potential hazard
* joint cooperation
* total abstinence
* subject matter
* honest truth
* join together
* general public
* harbinger of things to come
* new initiative
* audible gasp
* advance warning
* execution-style killing
* future plans
* gather together
* lag behind
* manual dexterity
* occasional irregularity
* outer rim
* plan ahead
* basic fundamentals
* first time ever
* personal friend
* shrug one's shoulders
* bond together
* close proximity
* ATM machine (it stands for automatic teller MACHINE)
* PIN number (it stands for personal identification NUMBER)
* coequal
* common bond
* small minority
* serious crisis
* personal belongings
* security guard
* time clock
* foreign imports
* exact same
* continue on
* focus on
* convicted felon
* past experience
* consensus of opinion
* finished product
* schoolteacher
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| Posted by Father Baker on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Signs Your Invention Is a Failure14> You ask your robot caddy for a sand wedge and it hands you a tuna on rye.
13> The taste tests went well, and "SARS BARS" rhymed and everything...
12> Even Ralph Kramden turned you down for financing.
11> Your "Windshield Vaseline," while it does make the road look younger, has unfortunate side effects.
10> Your best remaining hope for commercialization: "Miller's Genuine Cold Fusion Draft."
9> It's hard to unfold a chocolate umbrella.
8> Two years later, and there are *still* no Segway-only traffic lanes.
7> "Watson, come here; I'm bleeding!"
6> Public debate regarding gun control aside, there simply is no ready market for your "Salad Stunner."
5> Despite the celebrity tie-in, your freezers are crammed with unsold "Gary Burghoff Frozen Gourmet Dinners."
4> Your "Kiwi Karving Kit" continues to be badly outsold at Halloween by those damn pumpkin traditionalists.
3> By law, you must print "Patent Forcibly Declined" on your invention.
2> Your product's catch phrase is: "Set it, read pages 11 through 26 in the owner's manual, and forget it!"
1> In hindsight, labeling your item as "Small enough to fit inside a hollowed-out human head!" might not have been the best marketing decision.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by J.C. Burkhart on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Backhanded Compliments (Part I)15> "I can't believe you can fit into such a small Speedo, Bob!"
14> "Most guys think they *have* to have a cool car -- but not you."
13> "A bright red mini-dress! You really have tons of confidence in your inner beauty."
12> "You really make me feel intelligent -- especially when you talk."
11> "Look at how much weight you've lost! That dress didn't fit you nearly as well at that last wedding you wore it to."
10> "Not only do you dance surprisingly well, you *smell* better than most ugly chicks."
9> "Great sermon, Father! That loud part at the end was a real wake-up call!"
8> "Wow! For a first-time sexual encounter, that was refreshingly speedy!"
7> "Now, now, it's just as important to stay behind and guard the women and children."
6> "It's nice that you can wear tight jeans without that unsightly bulge in the crotch that most men have."
5> "I've never seen a man chug so many chardonnays."
4> "No, really -- compared to Grenada, Afghanistan and Somalia, you Iraqi Army guys kick *ass.*"
3> "What I like about your toupee is it says, 'Hey, I have better things to spend my money on!'"
2> "You have 10 cats?!? Wow, it only smells like three or four."
1> "Okay, let's try it. One that size can't possibly be painful."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Things Overheard at the Cannes Film Festival |
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| Posted by Icy P. Fire on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Things Overheard at the Cannes Film Festival14> "Wow! 'The Matrix: Reloaded' was great! What did you think, Saddam?"
13> "Hey, who's the Girl Scout with Roman Polanski?"
12> "I laughed. I cried. I started handing out free deodorant."
11> "Amazing! It was nearly Sandlerian!"
10> "But monsieur, Tom Green is surely the greatest comic genius since Jerry Lewis!"
9> "Get the 'Jaws of Life.' Someone's got his lips vapor-locked to Scorsese's ass again."
8> "Monsieur Stallone! More ice water, maintenant!"
7> "I swear, if zey make us sit through another Keanu Reeves movie, we're taking back ze Statue of Liberty."
6> "No Milk Duds or Raisinets? You call this a film festival?!?"
5> "Every year these Americans show up, and this town reeks of soap and shampoo for a month afterwards."
4> "I surrender -- to the charm of this film!"
3> "I'm afraid your visits to the concession counter are affecting the tides, Monsieur Ebert."
2> "I presented myself the Palme d'Rouge last night!"
1> "Yes, your breasts are quite impressive -- but it's usually the women who go topless here, Mr. Goodman."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Laxori Shiin on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Worst Names for Boats15> Hazelwood's Party Pad
14> The Gerald Fitzedmund
13> The Absolutely, Positively, Iron-Clad-Guarantee, Zero-Possibility-Of-Error Unsinkable Just-Made-the-Final-Payment
12> The www.MakeMoneyFromBelowDeck.com
11> Osama bin Sailin'!
10> U.S.S. Shirley Shirley bo birley banana fana fo firley me mi mo mirley... SHIRLEY!
9> The Compensator
8> Jenna, the Girl I Dated in High School Who Gave Me Herpes and Cheated on Me With My Dad's Best Friend
7> The Havana Ferry
6> *NSINK
5> Carrie Ingillegalimigrantsanddrugsininternationalwaters
4> H.M.S. Chum Bucket
3> Ignore This Distress Call
2> James Cameron's Wet Dream
1> The #13 Unsinkable Kennedy 666
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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