Funny quotes

Categories

Silly Quotes

'Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it.'

'Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry.'

'Being politically correct means always having to say you're sorry.'

'Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble Cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars.' (Gravestone Inscription)

'On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten.'

'Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the show?'

'Trust in God, but lock your car.'

'Given a conflict, Murphy's law supercedes Newton's.'

'If you aren't part of the solution, you're a precipitate.'

'To err is human. And stupid.'

'A king's castle is his home.'

'Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your VISA.'

'Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time.'

'Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it.'

'If you can't dazzle them with dexterity, feed them a crock!'

'Some drink at the fountain of knowledge...others just gargle.'

'High explosives are applicable where truth and logic fail.'

'You're never too old to learn something stupid.'

'All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.'

0 people have rated this joke:

0.00/10


	():funny quotes (263): Refrigerator Magnet Slogans

Posted by Melanie Mudd on 13-Aug-2005

Refrigerator Magnet Slogans

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life

Help Keep the Kitchen Clean - Eat Out

Housework Done Properly Can Kill You

Countless Numbers Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines

A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious

No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes

0 people have rated this joke:

0.00/10


	():funny quotes (263): Words of the Wise

Posted by Erhan Eryurt on 13-Aug-2005

Words of the Wise

WORDS OF THE WISE

1. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones

2. Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. - Woody Allen

3. Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they ticked me off.

4. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

5. All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. - Jane Wagner

8. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. - Richard Harkness, The NewYork Times, 1960

9. Women's creed: Men are like linoleum. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for 20 years. - unknown NOW member

10. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown

12. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. - Douglas Adams

14. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. - Ashleigh Brilliant

23. 'Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates, what is the meaning of life?' or 'Socrates, how can I find happiness?', but did anyone ever say 'Socrates, hemlock is poison.'???' - Socrates minutes before death.

25. Definition of Stress: The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's desire to beat or choke the living crap out of some jerk who desperately needs it.

26. Television is called a medium. This is because it is neither rare nor well done.

27. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

30. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

0 people have rated this joke:

0.00/10


	():funny quotes (263): A short list of 'Never...'

Posted by Chris J. Uptmor on 13-Aug-2005

A short list of 'Never...'

A Short list of nevers:

Never accept a drink from a urologist. -Erma Bombeck

Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial. -Sydney Biddle Barrows, the 'Mayflower Madam'

Never say 'Oops' in the operating room. - Dr. Leo Troy

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end'. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me on this. -Tim Allen

Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. -Dan Zevin

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. -Harry S. Truman

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier. -Anonymous

Never thrust your sickle into another's corn. -Publius Syrus

Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap. -Anonymous member of a chain gang

Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much. -G.K. Chesterton

Never use while sleeping. -Instruction on Conair hair dryer

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, 'Look, it's always gonna be me!' -Rita Rudner

Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide. -Woodrow Wilson

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room. -Winston Churchill

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. -John Peers

Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. -Geraldo Rivera

Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts. - Ruth Gordon

Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel. -American adage about antagonizing newspaper editors.

0 people have rated this joke:

0.00/10


	():funny quotes (263): Southwest Airlines Quotes

Posted by Manoj Joshi on 13-Aug-2005

Southwest Airlines Quotes

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!'

'Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please, place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.'

'As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please, do not leave children or spouses.'

'Thank you for flying Southwest Airlines. Last one off the plane must clean it.'

'Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. At Southwest Airlines we are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!'

'Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.'

'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.'

'Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.'

'Thank you for flying with us today, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.'

0 people have rated this joke:

0.00/10


	():funny quotes (263): Rodney Dangerfield jokes

Posted by Mr X. Jiffy on 13-Aug-2005

Rodney Dangerfield jokes

Rodney Dangerfield jokes

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.

And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for? He said .... Because you came home early.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could but he pulled through.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.

On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me.

Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!

0 people have rated this joke:

0.00/10