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| Posted by John C. Kober on 14-Aug-2005 | Small WorldTwo guys are playing golf. The women in front of them are really taking
their time and are slowing the men down.
So one man says to his friend, "I'm gonna go ask those ladies if we can
play through." He starts walking toward them, but about halfway there, he
turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.
He replies, "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress.
Why don't you go talk to them?"
So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns
around.
When he gets back, his friend asks, "Now what happened?" To this he
replies, "It's a small world."
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| Posted by deta H. van Hees on 14-Aug-2005 | God vs. Green BayBrett Favre, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God
was showing him around.
They came to a modest little house with a faded Packers flag in the window.
"This house is yours for eternity, Brett," said God. "This is very
special; not everyone gets a house up here."
Brett felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the
porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story
mansion with a Black and Gold sidewalk, 50 foot tall flagpole with an
enormous Steelers logo flag, and in every window, a terrible towel.
Brett looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I
have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won the Super Bowl, and I even
went to the hall of fame."
God said "so what do you want to know, Brett?"
"Well, why does Kordell Stewart get a better house than me?"
God chuckled and said, "Brett, that's not Kordell Stewart's house, it's
mine."
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| Posted by Vikie Brighton on 14-Aug-2005 | The HookerAs the young couple prepare to go to bed on their wedding night, the groom
says to his bride, "Honey, I have a confession to make. I'm a golf addict.
I play whenever I have a minute. I can't get enough of it. you'll probably
never see me on the weekends."
His bride looked a little uneasy and then said, "Honey I have a confession
also...I'm a hooker."
"No problem." Replied the groom, "Just keep your left arm straight and
keep that head down. Yu'll be hitting them straight in no time."
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| Posted by Cornelius on 14-Aug-2005 | Golf AdvicesSupermodel Kate Moss is serious about taking up golf
Unfortunately all her supermodel friends neither have the time
nor interest she does to get out and play. So poor Kate is
forced to hit the links solo and play with whomever she can.
Being a marginal athlete at best, Kate finds it very difficult
to break a 100 in a round where ever she plays. And being a
perfectionist, over time this begins to frustrate her to no end.
One afternoon, Kate shows up at the Prince Course in Kaui,
Hawaii by herself and finds a threesome of local men to play
with. From the start Kate explains her frustration to the
strangers, and welcomes their suggestions and helpful hints to
improve her game so that she may finally break 100. Devastated
by her overwhelming beauty, the three men are more than willing
to help her in any way they can, and offer up all their best
advise as the day goes on. Luckily for Kate their helpful advise
pays off, and as the foursome approaches the par 4 18th, Ms Moss
has a 95 and only needs to par the hole to finally break 100.
Kate is ecstatic, and with the mens help she reaches the green
in 3, and has only a 4 foot putt for par. This being the most
important putt of life, and the only thing that matters to her
in the whole world at that moment, she turns to the three men
and says: "whomever gives me the best advise on how to sink this
putt, will be rewarded with the blowjob of lifetime from me on
the spot, a hummer you will be able to tell your grand children
about!"
After a day of getting to know Ms Moss, there was little doubt
in the their minds, that she was very serious about that offer,
and it was not questioned.
The three men stood shell shocked, barley able to speak, then
one man said: "you have a 6 inch break to the left, play that
and you'll sink it." Kate nodded her head, acknowledging the
advise, and then turned to look at the second man for his input.
The second man realized he not only had to think quickly, but he
had to come up with a different recommendation to win this
coveted prize. Just the thought of Kate Moss slurping on his hog
on the 18th of the Prince Course, left him absolute brain dead
and almost speechless. Kate getting impatient said: "well, what
do you think?" Feeling rushed now, he blurted out "straight
shot, no break, nice and easy." Kate raised her eyebrows, a
little surprised and confused then turned to look at the shot
again. As she studied the shot, she asked the third man for his
advise. Not hearing a reply, she turned to look at the third man
standing behind her. The mans shorts and underwear were already
at his ankles, and his sausage was saluting her proudly. Then a
with a shit eating grin on his face, the third man said: "That's
a gimme!"
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| Posted by bobybo on 14-Aug-2005 | Gay GolfersThere were these two gay golfers playing golf on a Sunday afternoon. There
were a group of rednecks behind them, who were always hitting the queers
with the golf balls.
One of the queers says to the other, next time they hit us, fall down and
act like you are hurt, cause we are going to sue them rednecks. Well, sure
enough, the one of the balls hits one of the queers and he falls down and
starts flopping all around.
The group of rednecks come up and asks what the problem is. The queer
says, you hit my friend with the ball and he is hurt bad. We are going to
sue you all. One of the rednecks says, "Aw, suck my dick. Well, the queer
tells the other queer to get up, because they are going to settle out of
court."
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| Posted by Megan L. Schmied on 14-Aug-2005 | Ski PracticeIt's time for skiing again! Do the following exercises to prepare for the
real experience!
16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for
a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head
before you go to bed each night.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the
lenses.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski
boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are
looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed
ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into
you at high speed.
7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure
you are in the longest line.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle
fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
5. Drive slowly for five hours, anywhere, as long as it's in a snowstorm
and you're following an 18 wheeler.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast
your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into
your clothes.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them
off because you have to go to the bathroom.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for
the real thing!
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| Posted by ginageeluv on 14-Aug-2005 | Jesus GolfingJesus, Moses and Elija were feeling good one day so they decided
to go golfing.
Jesus being Jesus always gets to tee off first. They get to the
7th hole, which is a long par 5 with a creek running across it
at about 240 yards. Jesus gets up to tee off and selects his
driver. Moses asks Jesus if he is going to try to drive across
the creek and Jesus says that he is feeling so good that he
thinks he can make it. So Jesus tees off and it is a long drive
but it lands in the middle of the creek. Jesus asks Moses to
part the water of the creek so he can retrieve his ball saying,
"You know how much I hate to lose a ball." So Moses parts the
waters of the creek and the ball is retrieved. Jesus tees it up
again and because he is Jesus he gets unlimited mulligans. Jesus
says he is going to try to drive the creek again. Moses
responds, "Ok, but I am not going to help you get it back
again!" Jesus hits tee shot again and sure enough kerr plop it
lands in the creek again. So he goes down and is walking on the
water looking for his ball.
Meanwhile back at the tee the folowing foursome has reached the
tee. One of the golfers says to Moses, "Look at that guy walking
on the water. Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?" Moses
responds, "No, he thinks he is Tiger Woods."
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| Posted by Austin Garrison on 14-Aug-2005 | Teams My Kids Can MakeThree guys are sitting watching a game on the tube, when one of the guys
says, "You know, I have five great sons. They could make a basketball
team."
The second guy replies, "Oh yeah, I have nine awesome sons. They could
make a baseball team."
The third guy hesitates and says, "Well, eighteen daughters for me. That'd
make a golf course."
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| Posted by Katie P. Kromwell on 14-Aug-2005 | Man on Ladies TeeA golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot. As he
was about ready to hit, a voice came over the PA system, "Will
the gentleman on the ladies tee, please move back to the men's
tee." He looked up and then resumed addressing the ball again.
The voice again, "Will the man on the red tees move back to the
white tees!" He looked back at the starters shack and said,
"Will the man on the PA system please shut up, so that the man
on the ladies tee can hit his second shot."
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| Posted by jack ill on 14-Aug-2005 | PackersHow do you keep the packers away from your house?
Put an endzone in front of it.
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| Posted by smiler44 on 14-Aug-2005 | Magnetic Golf Ball"What does this golf ball do?" Frank asked the manager of the
golf shop. "This golf ball magnetically attracts to all sorts of
holes. It depends on what direction you hit the ball in. If it
goes straight towards the hole, it will go into the hole" the
manager replied. "I'll buy it." Frank bought this rather strange
golf ball and walked out to the golf course, where his friend
Bill, was waiting for him.
The first hole was a Par 3, so Frank had a good chance of
getting a hole-in-one on this hole. After Bill had played his
first shot, Frank stuck the tee into the ground and placed his
magnetic golf ball on top of it. When he was set, Frank hit the
ball straight towards the hole and got a hole-in-one. "You can't
ask for a better start than that Frank", said Bill. Frank smiled.
For the next sixteen holes, Frank's weird golf ball found holes
to go into after every shot. However, most of these holes that
the ball went into were either a bunker or the hole itself.
There was one occasion though, when the ball went into one of
the pockets in Bill's pants, but this doesn't compare with what
happened on the eighteenth hole.
Bill had already played his first shot on the eighteenth, and
Frank was about to play his. The eighteenth hole had a large
hill in which the ball had to be hit over. The hole and pin
could not be seen from where Frank and Bill were.
Since this hole is a Par 3, Frank could get another hole-in-one.
When Frank was set he hit the ball, and to his disappointment he
hooked it to the left. A few seconds later, a loud noise could
be heard "Aaaaaaaargh!!!!" Frank and Bill had no idea where the
noise came from, so they both walked over the hill to look for
their balls.
Bill found his ball straight away, but Frank was having great
difficulty in finding his ball. Frank had spent about twenty
minutes trying to find his ball, when he decided to give up and
use another ball. "I'll use another ball for my second shot
Bill, but first I need to go to the toilet". Frank walked over
to the public toilets, which was about twenty meters to the left
of the eighteenth green.
When Frank walked into the public toilets he heard a voice, "Is
there anyone there?" "Yes there is," replied Frank, as he walked
towards the cubicle at the far end. When he got to the cubicle
door, which was open, Frank asked the man, "What do you want?"
"I need a doctor," came the reply. "Why do you need a doctor?"
Frank asked curiously. After Frank asked this question, the man
in the cubicle did something strange. He stood up, turned around
and flashed his naked backside at Frank, who suddenly became
worried, "Holy shit!!!!"
"What is it?" said the man in the cubicle. "You wouldn't believe
what's stuck up there!!" Frank said. "What is?" "My fucking golf
ball, that's what!!!!"
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| Posted by Japeloup on 14-Aug-2005 | Sports? Nah.....I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had
to give up the idea. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play
basketball. I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football,
and I have 20/20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee.
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| Posted by Max Margulies on 14-Aug-2005 | Einstine and the packerseinstine was sitting in the back of a train. this man walks
right in. but before he can sit down enstine says "what is your
IQ." the man goses "whel i dont mean to brag but it is 150.98"
Enstine says "great we can talk about math, art, music, and
symbolisem." a second guy walks in. before he sits down enstine
says " what your IQ. the man says " whell its 135." enstine
says "great we can tlak about liturature and music. finaly the
third guy walks in. enstine says whats your IQ. the man says
"DUH... 2.2" enstine says "great we can talk about the packers".
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| Posted by hairymouth on 14-Aug-2005 | Smart football playerA High School football coach was putting the team through some
toughening-up exercises. One fellow with more brains than brawn
began to get tired. "Everybody on their back!" barked the coach.
"Legs up in the air. Now pretend that your riding a bycicle.
Faster, faster!" The tired one peddled a few minutes, then
stopped. "Hey, you." yelled the coach "whats the big idea?"
"Who, me?" asked the bright one, "I'm coasting."
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| Posted by jc spencer on 14-Aug-2005 | Football with No LacesOnce there was a football at a store. John Wilson came to the store and he
said, "This football has no laces." Why no laces? John was shocked. "Of
course there are laces." said the store owner. "See, I'm wearing glasses."
The owner was tricking him. John fell for it and bought the football for
$75.91. John was mad at the price for the football, though. When he went
to his football practice all of his teamates laughed at him. He said, "Why
are you laughing?" The coach said, "We are going to kick you off the team
for being such a bone head."
Then John went back to the store and he tried to give back the football to
the store because he was trying out for basketball. John gave the football
back and then the store manager said, "The new sports style is no laced
footballs." That was right after John bought a no lined basketball....
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| Posted by Chic260LOL on 14-Aug-2005 | What is the score?I bet I can tell you the score of the Rose Bowl before it starts?
0 To 0.
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| Posted by mike palermo on 14-Aug-2005 | SnookerHow do you make a snooker table laugh?
Tickle it's bolls.
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| Posted by Sameo X. Sameo on 14-Aug-2005 | O.J. Simpson vs. John ElwayWhat do O.J. Simpson and John Elway have in comon?
John Elway is a old white Bronco and O.J. Simpson drives a old white
Bronco.
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| Posted by Big Ben on 14-Aug-2005 | Magic JohnsonWhat do you call Magic Johnson (the ex-baskeball player) in a wheel-chair?
Roll-Aids
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| Posted by ShEnAyNaY WiLLiAmS on 14-Aug-2005 | david BeckhamWhat does David Beckham and a box of forever rosse have in common?
They both cum in a posh box.
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| Posted by Jessie Adam on 14-Aug-2005 | What Auburn MeansDid you here what happened 3 1/2 years ago at the University of Tennessee
just before Spring Break? Well 3 days before UT got out for spring break,
some of the other SEC schools let their students out for spring break and
with the Interstate running through Knoxville like it does, 5 Auburn
Football Players drove thru Knoxville on their way to the Smoky Mountains
on I-40 in a Dodge Caravan. One of the players knew the interstate exits
in Knoxville and said turn here at 17th street and had the driver drive
straight up to the hill on Tennessee's campus. After parking the 5 players
got out and started walking around UT's campus looking at the football
facilities and 3 of them were wearing T-shirts with AUBURN in bold type
across the front. UT's players were still there studying for finals and
looked out, saw them, and recognized them and got mad. 15 UT players went
out and circled them and said, "We looked up that word Auburn on your
shirts, in the dictionary, and it talks about the colors of Fall, but it
does not say anything about a school in Alabama. What does it mean?" The
auburn players were scared being outnumbered 15 to 5 so they responded,
"In football it means Alabama Usually Beats Us Round November". Of course
Tennessee beat Auburn last year in the SEC Championship 12/6/97, which
being not a full week into December is still around November, so when it
comes to beating Auburn round November, UT means US TOO! We can beat
Auburn around November!!!!
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| Posted by Marlene R. Ehlers on 14-Aug-2005 | EinsteinEinstein was riding on a bus, and he asks this guy what his IQ
was, the guy says 150.98 then Einstein says good we can talk
about music, and literature. He asks a second guy what his IQ
was the guy says it is 125.17 then Einstein says great we can
talk about art, and math, then he asks a third guy what his IQ
was the guy says 2.2 then Einstein says great we can talk about
the Lions.
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| Posted by Martin Lynch on 14-Aug-2005 | y did the coach go 2 the bank?1 day a man went to the bank. He wented to get his qurter-back.
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| Posted by Amanda E. Brooke on 14-Aug-2005 | The Bears SuckWhy Did they put in astro-turf at Soildiers Field?
So the fans would stop grazing at halftime!!!
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| Posted by Ashlyn on 14-Aug-2005 | 7th Grade Athletics ExamThese are some questions from an actual real-life exam for a 7th grade
athletics class:
FOOTBALL
1. How many yards do you have to get for a 1st down when it's 1st and 10?
2. How many players are on the field at one time?
4. How many points do you recieve for a touchdown?
5. How many points do you recieve for an extra point kick?
6. How many points do you recieve for an extra point that you run or pass
in?
7. How many points do you recieve for a safety?
8. What is it called when an offensive player jumps offsides before the
ball is snapped?
9. Which player recieves the ball from the center?
10. What piece of equipment protects your sholders?
BASKETBALL
1. How many points do you recieve for a lay-up?
2. How many points do you recieve for a free-throw?
3. How many points do you recieve for a three-pointer?
4. How many players are on the court at one time?
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| Posted by Bryan on 14-Aug-2005 | Hockey puckQ. What did one Hockey player say to the other?
A. Puck you!!!
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| Posted by Kitty K. Kaos on 14-Aug-2005 | Put-PutA man was playing put put golf with his friends as his cell
phone was ringing. He answers the phone and hears his fathers
voice., In the mist of running around and walking, the man was
breathing heavy. His father said "Hey son, what you doing?" the
man said., "Dad I'm put puting with some of my friends, but
everything is going wrong..."
His father then assumes that his son is having sex and says
"What happened, couldn't find the whole?" his son says.," It's
not that I can't find the whole, it's sitting right in front of
my dirty balls, but since the wholes are too rugged, it won't go
in."
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| Posted by haley r. kopcho on 14-Aug-2005 | The Rabbit HuntersThere were two men going rabbit hunting in the woods one day
when they came to a meadow.
The first hunter (Bob) decided he needed to go for a shit so he
pops behind a bush to do his business.
Meanwhile the other hunter (Harry) sat in front of the bush and
kept watch for rabbits.
After approximately 10 minutes Harry had shot a rabbit , skinned
it and thrown the guts behind him over the bush as a prank on
Bob.
After recieving only grunts from Bob , Harry waited a further 10
minutes for Bob , before he finally appeared saying, "Oh, I shat
my guts out mate!! But no worries , I shoved it back in with a
stick!!"
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| Posted by Dilly on 14-Aug-2005 | Why Chicago Bears Can't WinWhy can't the Chicago Bears win a game?
Because they go into hibernation too early.
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| Posted by don j. wenzel on 14-Aug-2005 | Millionaires Watching the Super BowlWhat do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around watching the Super
Bowl?
The Dallas Cowboys.
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