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| Posted by vicky on 14-Aug-2005 | Smart DogsFour men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was
an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a
chemist, and the fourth man was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff!"
T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a rectangle. Everyone agreed that
was pretty smart.
But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and
said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out to the kitchen and
returned with a dozen cookies. He proceeded to divide them into 4 equal
piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was very smart, also.
However, the chemist said his dog could do even better. He called his dog
and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the
fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 oz. glass from the cupboard,
and poured exactly 8 oz. without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was
also very smart.
These three men then turned to the government worker and asked, "What can
your dog do?"
The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your
stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,
crapped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he
injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe
working conditions, put in for Workman's Comp, and went home on sick leave.
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():animal jokes (1719): Instructions for Giving Your Cat a Pill |
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| Posted by RARA on 14-Aug-2005 | Instructions for Giving Your Cat a Pill1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass
of water to take away taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth
open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed,
force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed
by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of
water down throat to wash down pill.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
eye. Stop at furniture shop on way home to order new table.
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():animal jokes (1719): Octopus Who Plays Musical Instruments |
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| Posted by Big Head Bill on 14-Aug-2005 | Octopus Who Plays Musical InstrumentsA guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down
on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very
talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the
world." He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling
him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $500 to anyone
who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks
up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus
starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So
the man pays his $500.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the
trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $500.
Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and
the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a
confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can you not play it?" The
octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to shag it
as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
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| Posted by fukwit on 14-Aug-2005 | The PandaA huge panda bear steps into this classy restaurant. The maitre
is both astonished and amused; nonetheless, he is a man who
takes pride on doing his job right and sends a waiter its way.
The panda asks for some of the best dishes of the house: filet
mignon, lobster, duck a l'orange, soup a l'onion gratinee, the
whole nine yards. Then, as it finishes, it steps up and turns to
leave without paying for the gargantuan fest.
"Sir, exactly where do you think you are going?" Asks the upset
maitre. The panda turns around, not completely sure he
understands. "The meals you were served are still to be paid
for." "Paid for?" Sneers the panda. "I belong to an endangered
species; you should take this a service to nature and
biodiversity." "This is a restaurant. RESTAURANT! We feed you
and you pay for it. That is the way it works. Look it up in a
dictionary if you want to!"
To his surprise, the panda brings up a dictionary from between
his skin folds and reads, "Restaurant: a business establishment
where meals or refreshments may be bought. Hmmm. But even if
you're right," the panda says as it brings up a .357 Smith &
Wesson and shoots the maitre on his leg an runs away, "I'm a
panda. Look it up in the dictionary if you want to!"
Later on, at the hospital, the injured maitre remembers what the
panda said and asks for a dictionary to look for the word
"panda." It read: "Panda: a large black-and-white mammal of
chiefly central China now usually classified with the bears.
Eats shoots and leaves."
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| Posted by Bill Clinton on 14-Aug-2005 | Animal MenagerieA mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old
daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "And what does the pig say?"
Child: "Oink, Oink."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and
in her deepest voice replied, "Bud-wei-ser."
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| Posted by Brandi Bender on 14-Aug-2005 | Parrot with Attached StringsThis lady was throwing a party and had this very vulgar parrot
and she wanted to do something with it so she could make sure it
would not embarass her.
Well she took it to a local pet store and the owner said tell ya
what you leave it here for one week and I will fix everything.
One week later the lady comes back and her parrot has a string
attached to each one of its legs and the woman asks, "What are
those strings for" and the owner replied, "Well, pull one." So
the lady pulls the first string and the parrot says, "Good day
ma'am" the lady pulls the second string and again the parrot
replies, "Good afternoon sir"
The lady was amazed so she askes the owner, "Well, what happens
if I pull both strings at once?"
The parrot replies, "I'll fall on my ass you stupid bitch!"
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