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| Posted by JenReo on 14-Aug-2005 | Snake BiteTwo cowboys are riding into town when they decide they need to take a pee.
While they are peeing a rattlesnake springs up and bites one of them on
their penis. The other cowboy quickly draws his gun and kills the snake.
He then looks at his friend laying on the ground in pain and says, "Don't
move, I'll ride into town and ask the doctor what we should do."
He rides off into town, finds the doctor and tells him what happened. The
doctor tells him the only way to save the man is to make a cut where the
snake bit him and suck out the poisin. The cowboy rides back. His friend
asks, "What did the doctor said?" He replied, "The doctor said that you
are going to die."
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| Posted by caramelove on 14-Aug-2005 | The cat, the fly, and the fishOne day there was a cat wtaching the fish watching a fly above
the water and the fish was thinking if that fly drops 6 inches I
can jump up and eat it. The cat was thinkng if the fly drops 6
inches and the fish jumps up to get it I can catch the fish and
eat it. Well, the fly dropped 6 inches, the fish jumped, the cat
missed the fish and fell in the pond.
The moral of the story is that when the fly drops 6 inches the
pussy gets wet.
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| Posted by Lagmaster2000 on 12-Aug-2005 | ******Spongebob Square Boobs******Why did Spongebob have square headlights(boobs)?
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Because he forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
(For you blondes out there it means when he was trying to stuff his bra instead of taking the tissues out of the tissue box he just put the whole box in his bra. P.S To blondes this might not be funny since I know most of you have done this before)
*cds*
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| Posted by Daniel Chapman on 14-Aug-2005 | Things to Make You Go Hmm...1. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
2. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
3. Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
4. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
5. How do a fool and his money GET together?
6. How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?
7. How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
8. If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work
station?
9. If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon
stick to the pan?
10. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is
worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
11. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right to remain silent?
12. If you throw a cat out the car window, does it become kitty
litter?
13. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?
14. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
15. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on
money they already know you don't have?
16. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?
17. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
18. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
19. What year did Jesus think it was?
20. If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you
complain to?
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to
drown too?
23. What are Preparation A through Preparation G?
24. After Eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before
getting out of the water?
25. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
26. Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?
27. How come there aren't B batteries?
28. If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at
1000's of times per minute, then why do they give it to a
little old man on a bike to deliver?
29. How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
30. Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in
jars?
31. Is a metaphor like a simile?
32. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back
to?
33. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
34. How is it possible to have a civil war?
35. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
36. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
37. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
38. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
39. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that
song?
40. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
41. Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
42. Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?
43. Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
44. How can there be self-help "groups"?
47. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
45. How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you
have tried some of the others?
46. How do you throw away a garbage can?
47. How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
48. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the
mornings?
49. Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would
just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
50. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we
know?
51. If Superman is so smart, then why does he wear his
underpants on the outside of his trousers?
52. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what
happens when you turn on the headlights?
53. What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
54. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
55. Why do hot dogs come 10 to a package and hot dog buns only 8?
56. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then
put money into telescopes so they can see things on the
ground close-up?
57. Why do we kill people for killing people to show that
killing people is wrong?
58. Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but
he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
59. Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
60. Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?
61. How do you remove a club soda stain?
62. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?
63. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he
wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
64. What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
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| Posted by Thomas Flask on 14-Aug-2005 | ConfuciusConfucius says...
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have
trouble putting on pants.
Confucius says...
If you want pretty nurse, you got to be
patient.
Confucius says...
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to
undoing of fly.
Confucius says...
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Confucius says...
Couple on 7 day honeymoon make whole week.
Confucius says...
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find
nuts.
Confucius says...
Rape impossible. Woman run faster with skirt
up, than Man with pants down.
Confucius says...
He who run behind bus get exhausted.
Confucius says...
Man with tight trousers is pressing his
luck.
Confucius says...
He who fishes in others' holes often catches
crabs.
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| Posted by WilloLuvsSocks on 09-Aug-2005 | Rules to live bySometimes we need to remember WHAT the Rules of life really are.
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and
shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right".
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month?
One week? One day?'
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just
might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally, be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Tantilazing
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| Posted by Zac C. Condie on 10-Aug-2005 | Hormone - EnzymeQ: What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
A: You can't hear an enzyme.
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| Posted by Lauren C. Mcguire on 14-Aug-2005 | Shop Keeper!one day, a man wanted to apply for being a shopkeeper in a
grocery store. So he then walked in to the shop and said," umm,
i want to be a shopkeeper." Then the manager said,"u any good?"
there was silence for a moment so then the manager takes the man
and shows him around and sez," O.K., we will start with a simple
question of a fine product of ours , OK?" and the man said OK.
So, the man pretended as a customer and asked," how much for
this pencil?" the man said," i dunno?" the manager got fustrated
and said, no u idiot! you are supposed to say 25cents! ok? he
said," yah". So he repeated the same thing and the manager was
pleased.Then he asked," how good is it?" the stupid man said,"
Beats me!" and so the manager said," no u moron!" it is best u
can get!!!" so the man said ok. he repeated himself again and
said," So should i buy it?" the man said," how am i supposed to
no!" the manager got fustrated and said," u are supposed to say
u better or someone else will!" so he said ok
The manager was satified so the stupid man was hired. A
bad ass punk walked in and said ," how old u kid?" he said
25cents! then the punk said," are u nuts?" the man said," best u
can get!" the punk then said," my GOSH!, want me to punch u in
the balls?" The stupid man replied with his last words as a
man," u better or someone else will!!!"
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| Posted by Alycia Dufresne on 12-Aug-2005 | Safety tipCalculus and automobiles don't mix -- never drink and derive
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| Posted by Prankster (Jake) on 14-Aug-2005 | Hey!!!!A man (Mike) and a woman (Sandra) were stranded on a deserted island for many years. They weren't really in love, but they liked one another very well. They sort of depended on one another as "husband and wife" in their stranded situation.
The morning following a bad storm, a new guy (Joe) washed up on shore. After Joe got to feeling better and had a bit of rest and food, Joe and Sandra immediately realized they shared a VERY strong attraction for one another, but they realized that certain protocols would have to be observed to not upset Mike.
Mike, oblivious to the pheromones floating around, was just glad to have someone new to talk to. "This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts," Mike commented enthusiastically. Joe was only too happy to help, and in fact volunteered to do the first shift. He climbed up the tall tower and stood watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships.
Soon Mike and Sandra started placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. Joe yelled down, "Hey, no screwing!"
Mike and Sandra looked at each other with a question on their faces, and yelled back, "We're not screwing!"
A few minetes later, they started to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again Joe yelled down, "Heeey, no screwing!"
Again they yell back up to Joe, "We're not screwing!"
Later they started putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again, Joe, the new man, yelled down from high above, "Hey, I said no screwing!!"
The two below yelled back up to Joe, "And we said we're *not* screwing! Can't you see that?"
Finally Joe's eight hour shift was over and Joe climbed down from the tower and Mike started to climb up to take his place. By the time Mike got halfway up, Joe and Sandra were already screwing their brains out.
Once at the top, Mike turned around and looked down and said to himself, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing!"
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| Posted by Shannon Swiney on 14-Aug-2005 | Life Reflections by George Carlin1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore
helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been
more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you,
but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot,
but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea
where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I
lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody
stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of
them.
11. One out of every three Canadians is suffering from some form
of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they
are OK, then it must be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think
if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your
laundry isn't your biggest problem.
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they
tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my
wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the
wall.
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede
jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that
jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now
I'll have to kill you too".
15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter
Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and
the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore
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| Posted by Phil McRak on 10-Aug-2005 | FishQ: What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?
A: Dam.
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| Posted by Timothy J. Russin on 12-Aug-2005 | Pet Peeves!Things that make me cringe!:
1. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals.
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3. The Norwich Life commercial where the old bastard answers the phone, says hello and then immediately tells his wife "It's Patrick! He bought life insurance!" Excuse me? how did Patrick find the time to tell you this? You barely breathed between "Hello" and It's Patrick". And why the hell do you have big sheets of bristol board and thick markers by the phone? Do you people play Pictionary over the phone often?
4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off! What good is a damn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake Instead?
5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
7. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the fuckin ceiling up there! What did you come here for?
8. BIG hair
9. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice,... did ya there buddy?
10. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
11. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know why he pulled you over. You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over!
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| Posted by Tiki Tiki Bird on 14-Aug-2005 | 3 GUYS DIE3 Guys die one likes to have mad sex, one likes to eat like
crazy, and the last guy likes to smoke weed. God says that to
teach them a leson about there life he locks them in room with
there favourite things for 100 years each. The guy who likes to
have sex is locked in room with a ton of sexy woman, the fat
eating machine is locked in a room with tons of food, and the
guy who likes to smoke weed is locked in a room with tons of
weed. After 100 years he lets out the guy who like have sex says
"the woman got dry after a while I never ever want to have sex
again". Then God lets out the guy who eats like a machine when
he let him out he said "I the fatest bastard you've ever seen I
never want to eat again".Then the God lets out the guy the guy
who smokes weed all the time when he came out he was crying he
said "do you have a lighter".
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| Posted by MaZter0fNtrigue on 12-Aug-2005 | Turkythe dog crossed the road ha ha ha
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| Posted by Tanya N. Boyce on 13-Aug-2005 | First the Dodo died. Then Dodi died. After...First the Dodo died. Then Dodi died. After that Di died followed by Dando. I bet Dido is crapping herself.
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| Posted by Rebecca E. Borden on 10-Aug-2005 | FrostyQ: Why did Frosty the snowman pull down his pants?
A: He saw the snow blower coming!
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| Posted by Jenna L. Reed on 07-Aug-2005 | A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender,...A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots."
Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?"
The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's
for this little guy here," and he pulls a 3 inch man out of
his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the
little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender.
"What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down
to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The
little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter.
Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in
total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does
he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about
that time we were in Africa hunting and you called that witch
doctor a Nigger!"
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| Posted by Andrew Bruno on 08-Aug-2005 | knock knock jokesknock knock
who's there
interupting moo cow
interupting moooooooooo
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| Posted by Griffs on 09-Aug-2005 | Spell CheckEye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew.
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| Posted by fallen*starlight on 09-Aug-2005 | Morning PoemI woke early one morning, the earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird perched on my window sill.
He sang a song so lovely, so carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles began to slip away.
He sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers, crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window and crushed his fucking head.
I'm not a morning person.
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| Posted by Corny Da Cob on 09-Aug-2005 | Mahatma GandhiMahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
All of these attributes made him.....
A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
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| Posted by Craig R. Irvine on 12-Aug-2005 | Questions that have Confused humankind!!Questions that have Confused humankind!!
a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I\'ll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?\"
a.. Who was the first person to say \"See that chicken there....I\'m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it\'s butt.\"
a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
a.. If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can\'t he fix a hole in a boat?
a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\'re both dogs!
a.. What do you call male ballerinas?
a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn\'t he just buy dinner?
a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
a.. Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?
a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it\'s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it\'s in your ass?
a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?
a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
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| Posted by janet on 14-Aug-2005 | Mind your own business!Knock-knock
Who's There?
Scot
Scot who?
Scot nothing to do with you!
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| Posted by Kevin McGee on 13-Aug-2005 | old mother hubbard went to the cupboard to...old mother hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch her poor doggy a bone but when she got there the cupboard was bare so he gave her a bone of his own
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| Posted by Ivan Borka on 09-Aug-2005 | Doctors visitTwo old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital.
The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."
The old man says, "What?"
So the doctor says it again.
Once again the old man says, "what?"
So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"
With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"
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| Posted by Mark A. O'Neill on 13-Aug-2005 | Your so oldyour so old you sat behind jesus in the 2nd grade
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