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| Posted by mecool30 on 09-Aug-2005 | Sobriety TestThis man at the side of the road was fixing his flat tire.
A police car stops behind his and the officer strolls to him to offer help.
The man says he's doing OK and doesn't need help.
The officer takes a walk around the car to make sure everything is OK.
He spots a large knife with a fancy handle on the passenger seat.
When he asks about the knife, the man says it's his and he uses it as a juggler at the local circus.
The officer then asks him to demonstrate his act to be sure the man is telling the truth, and the man goes through his routine.
Meanwhile a car with two recovering alcoholics drives by. The driver says to his passenger, "Man ... I am glad I stopped drinking when I did.
It's amazing what they make them do these days at those roadside sobriety checks!"
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| Posted by Mira Maines on 09-Aug-2005 | Sobriety TestThis man at the side of the road was fixing his flat tire. A police car stops behind his and the officer strolls to him to offer help.
The man says he's doing OK and doesn't need help.
The officer takes a walk around the car to make sure everything is OK. He spots a large knife with a fancy handle on the passenger seat.
When he asks about the knife, the man says it's his and he uses it as a juggler at the local circus.
The officer then asks him to demonstrate his act to be sure the man is telling the truth, and the man goes through his routine.
Meanwhile a car with two recovering alcoholics drives by.
The driver says to his passenger, "Man ... I am glad I stopped drinking when I did. It's amazing what they make them do these days at those roadside sobriety checks!"
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| Posted by Joshua A. Demmer on 09-Aug-2005 | Successful DatingSecrets To A Successful Date
Before you leave your house...
1. Put on a little too much cologne.
2. Before you leave home, fill your pockets with mints. When your date says something to you when she's really close, give her a mint.
EXAMPLE: Your date says: ''This movie sure is romantic.''
You say: ''Have a mint! Now, what were you saying?''
When you go to pick her up:
1. When you get to her door, don't knock or ring the doorbell, just go on in. She's expecting you.
2. Call her parents by their first names.
3. If she asks you how she looks, and her parents are nearby, tell her she looks sexy.
4. When introducing yourself to her parents, tell them that you prefer to go by your gang name.
5. Always look nice when you meet the parents. Wear a new Marlboro jacket and be sure to tell them how many Marlboro bucks it took to get it. Parents smile upon a man that can save his Marlboro money.
6. Show respect. Take your Fubu cap and matching coat off when you enter the house. Make sure you wear your cap and coat in the summer too. If her parents ask why, tell them that you're ''keepin' it real.''
On the way to wherever:
1. Do NOT let her touch the radio or the air conditioner. You are the man, make sure she knows that.
2. If she makes up for lost time by putting on her lipstick in the car, gently tap the brakes at the same time the lipstick touches her mouth.
3. Check out the girl in the other car while at the stoplight.
4. If you pick your date up from home at 6:45pm, have someone call you on the cell phone at 7:00pm and talk to them till you get to your destination, this way you won't have to worry about what to say to her.
5. Drive ten miles BELOW the speed limit.
6. Develop a really bad Pee Wee Herman impression and talk to her through it.
When you arrive at your destination:
1. If you go to the movies, flirt with the girl at the ticket counter.
2. If you go to a restaurant, say you're really hungry. Let her order first. Since you'll be eating heavy, she'll probably order a big meal, too. When she finishes, order a small coke and a box of McDonaldland cookies.
3. If you get nervous, just pretend that she's one of your guy friends. At the end of the meal, say ''Boy, you ate everything but the table.'' Say it with confidence.
4. Be classy. If you eat at McDonald's, leave a tip.
On the way back to her house: Take your cell phone and call another girl. Ask her to do something with you in about an hour.
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| Posted by Nexus on 09-Aug-2005 | Nymphomaniac WifeA man takes his wife to the doctor. She's a knock-out! Blonde, beautiful, buxom.
But she's got a problem, she's a nymphomaniac.
He tells the doctor, "This is one hot lady, doc. Maybe you can do something for her."
"We'll see," the doctor said. He directed the mans wife to the examining room, closed the door behind him and told her to undress.
Then he tells her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.
The moment he touched her bottom, she began to moan and squirm.
He couldn't resist. He jumps on top of her, sticks it in and begins pumping away.
The man waiting outside heard moaning coming from the examining room so he burst in to see the doctor banging away.
"Hey Doc! What in the hell are you doing?"
Quite flustered, the doctor thinks fast, then stammers out, "I...I...I was just taking her temperature."
The man reaches into his pocket withdraws a rather large pocket knife, opens it and holds it against the doctor throbbing prick buried in his wife's bush.
Then he smiles and announces, "Doc, when you pull that thing out, it better have some fucking numbers on it!"
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| Posted by Erin on 09-Aug-2005 | Slept With A RedheadTwo sailors on shore leave, walking down the street. They spot a beautiful blonde.
First sailor asks his friend "Have you ever slept with a blonde?"
Second sailor replies that he has.
They walk on further and see an even more beautiful brunette.
First sailor, " Have you ever slept with a brunette?"
Second sailor, "Why yes, in fact I've slept with brunettes on many occasions"
They walk on a little further, and see a gorgeous redhead, who leaves the other two girls for dead.
First sailor, "Have you ever slept with a redhead then?"
His companion looks at him and replies "Not a wink!"
(Red on the head, fire below....)
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| Posted by Ella F. Unt on 09-Aug-2005 | Back In My Day!I'm from a small town.
In fact, it's so small they had to tear it down to build the new city hall!
It also gets very cold here in the winter. I remember one winter that so cold we had to build a fire to warm the air up, just so the wind would blow!
I remember another time when it was so cold that we had to warm the water up just so we could make ice!
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