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| Posted by Mathman2 on 09-Aug-2005 | SquirrelsA little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel were chattering and playing around when up comes a fox.
The girl squirrel dashed up a tree, but the boy squirrel stayed on the ground.
"That's strange," said the fox.
"Usually squirrels are afraid of me and run to the nearest tree."
"Listen, bud," replied the boy squirrel. "Did you ever try to climb a tree when you were in the process of making love?"
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| Posted by NY on 09-Aug-2005 | How Do U Turn It OffA little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell d-dildoes h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes, Ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"
"Well, yes Ma'am, we do. We have several that size." Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well... Yes ma'am a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"
"Yes, Ma'am, one of them does."
"W-Wel-ll, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"
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| Posted by chips on 09-Aug-2005 | Boxing Tattoo'sA Huge 300lb. woman walks in to a tattoo shop and asks the artist, "Sir could you do a tattoo of Iron Mike Tyson on this leg?" "And another of Mohammed Ali on this leg?"
"Sure I think I can do that just come on back and have a seat." A couple hours later the man gets finished up and shows the woman the final product.
The woman takes a look at the tattoo for a while and says, "well sir we have a problem, this doesn??™t look like Iron Mike Tyson and this sure as hell doesn??™t look like Mohammed Ali."
The man sits and thinks for a second and says to himself, "man I sure as hell don't want to get into a fight with this 300lb. woman"...he sits for a little longer and comes up with a solution.
He tells the woman "ok here's the deal, you go out side and the first person you see I want you to ask them if that tattoo looks like Tyson and if that one looks like Ali."
So the woman agrees and walks outside to this drunk man walking down the street, she approaches the man pulls up her skirt and asks him, "Sir does this look anything like Iron Mike Tyson to you?"
Takes a drink of his wine and says (in a drunk voice) "naw sure don't."
Woman: Well ok now, "does this look anything like Mohammad Ali to you?"
Taking another sip he says nope that sure don't but you see that one in the middle that looks just like Don King..
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| Posted by taylor hunt on 09-Aug-2005 | Well HungHow can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
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| Posted by Mark P. Wyner on 09-Aug-2005 | Where Is The Rake?A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.
The wife not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures.
The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the friggin hell was that?"
She replies, "EYE--LEFT TIT -- BEHIND -- THE BUSH!"
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| Posted by Art on 09-Aug-2005 | Shot In The HeartOne day poor old Lena decided she didn't want to be in this world any longer. She resolved to commit suicide.
She figured the best way was to shoot herself in the heart...but she didn't know just where her heart was. She called a doctor for the information.
The doctor said that usually on a women, the heart is located about four inches above the left nipple.
Lena followed the directions perfectly and was therefore very surprised to regain consciousness in a hospital.
"I should be dead!" she wailed.
"Don't worry, lady," the orderly answered, "your knee will mend before you know it!"
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