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| Posted by Deven T. Frasier on 09-Aug-2005 | Star warsLuke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal.
Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts.
All this is done with consummate ease - as you might expect from a Jedi Master.
But poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself.
Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, 'Use the forks, Luke.'
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| Posted by Lelana Smythe on 09-Aug-2005 | No longer an adultI am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an eight-year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four-star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
I want to think M & Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair and that everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again.
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor's bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So here's my check book and my car - keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, 'cause, 'Tag! You're it!'
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| Posted by Mickey Kirksey on 09-Aug-2005 | Emotional extremesThe aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were in their first class on emotional extremes.
'Just to establish some parameters,' said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, 'what is the opposite of joy?'
'Sadness,' said the student.
'And the opposite of depression?' he asked of the young lady from Rice.
'Elation,' she said.
'And you, sir,' he said to the young man from Texas Agricultural, 'how about the opposite of woe?'
The Aggie replied, 'Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.'
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| Posted by Lauren L on 09-Aug-2005 | Old timersThree old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
One 70-year-old says, 'I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me 20 minutes to pee.'
An 80-year-old says, 'My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.'
The 90-year-old says, 'At seven I pee like a horse. At eight I crap like a cow'
'So what's your problem?' asked the others.
'I don't wake up until nine.'
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| Posted by Jay Jay on 09-Aug-2005 | Friends golfingSid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only nine holes.
Sid says to Barney, 'Let's say we make the time worth while, at least for one of us and put $5 on the lowest score for the day.'
Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game.
After the eighth hole, Barney is ahead by one stroke but cuts his ball into the rough on the ninth.
'Help me find my ball. You look over there,' he says to Sid.
After five minutes, neither has had any luck and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. 'I've found my ball,' he announces triumphantly.
Sid looks at him forlornly, 'After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?'
'What do you mean cheat?' says Barney, 'I found my ball right here.'
'And a liar too,' Sid says with amazement, 'I'll have you know, I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes.'
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| Posted by Jim Neill on 09-Aug-2005 | Way to go granAn 83-year-old woman decided that she's seen and done everything and that the time had come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart.
The trouble was she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him.
He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.
So she shot herself in the left hip.
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