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| Posted by Mike Hunt on 08-Aug-2005 | Stupid studentWhy did the student eat his homework?
His teacher said it was a peace of cake.
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| Posted by eric yim on 08-Aug-2005 | TeletubbiesWhat do you call a teletubbie thats just been robbed?
A tubbi cos its telles been nicked
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| Posted by roshan on 09-Aug-2005 | Custer's last standAn eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in various stages and different positions of making love.
Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?!" screamed the billionaire.
"Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
"And there you have it," said the artist, "I call it 'Holy cow - look at all those fucking Indians!'"
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| Posted by Johan B. Kool on 09-Aug-2005 | Helpful HintsTape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent ink pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.
Heavy smokers: Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your ceiling.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
X File fans: Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night
and replace the digger unseen with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
Ford Ka drivers - Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving acrossthe road and mounting the curb.
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| Posted by El. on 09-Aug-2005 | Prison Trouble"Now then," said the warden addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot. "I would like to know two things. First, why did you revolt? And second, how did you get out of your cells?"
One of the three prisoners, Roy, stepped forward and said, "Warden, we revolted because the food here is awful."
"I see," says the Warden. "And the cell? What did you use to break the bars?"
Prisoner Roy replied, "Toast."
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| Posted by Darmah G. Ontario on 09-Aug-2005 | Egyptian Pick-Up LinWhat did the Egyptian man say to the Egyptian woman? "Come behind the pyramid, and I'll make you a mummy!"
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