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| Posted by Mark on 14-Aug-2005 | Sunbathing, a true storyA rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the
first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up
there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun
when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said
the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from
running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof
but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did
yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No
one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not
exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining
room skylight."
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| Posted by Suki on 14-Aug-2005 | The TripA new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time.
He was struggling with the language and didn't understand a
whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the
local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track
and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already
packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone
out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting
next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his
hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood
up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man
sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread for
the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the
preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat
there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.
Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements.
People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He
was, and so the recruit clapped too. Then the preacher said some
words that he didn't understand and he saw the man next to him
stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the
entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and
saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.
After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking
the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit
stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said,
in English: "I take it you don't speak Spanish."
The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"
"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta
family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please
stand up."
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| Posted by Gary E. Suter on 14-Aug-2005 | WatchJake is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and
obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and
asks: "Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist.
"It's a quarter to six", he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out..."
And he shows him a time zone display not just for every time
zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolis. He hits a
few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The
time is eleven till six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more
buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake
continues, "I've put in regional accents for each city. The
display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply
astounding." The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.
"That's not all...", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and
a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on
the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite
positioning", explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and
the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" Says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the
bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to
demonstrate. "The watch is also a very creditable little FM
radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can
measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper
printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice
recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have
32 of my favorites in there so far." Says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!" Says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not..."
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a
checkbook.
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials
and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and
have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger
frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of
him.
"Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000.
Take it or leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off
the watch and hands it to the stranger.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute." Calls Jake after the stranger, who turns
around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he had been
trying to wrestle through the terminal. "Don't forget your
batteries."
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| Posted by Jay k. Maroony on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 4 Fun Things To Do On a Road Trip4. Go into a gas station angry. Insist that you were there an
hour ago and the clerk gave you bad directions.
3. Pull up beside another motorist. Leaving your window up, yell
and motion at the motorist that there is air in their tires.
Look very concerned.
2. Pick up a hitchhiker. Claim that you know who he is and that
you will not let the FBI find him. Mumble something about taking
him to a safe place in the desert where nobody can find him.
1. Pull up beside someone. Have your passenger splash ketchup on
his window, slam his head against it, and slowly slide his head
down the window.
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| Posted by Jokester Jeff on 14-Aug-2005 | Man Without a TieA traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria.
Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization,
he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time
passed, and he began feeling faint.
Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when he
spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him.
Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water...".
A Bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically,
"I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like
to buy a tie?"
With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken
neckwear.
"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"
"Well, sir," replied the Bedouin, "If you really need water,
there is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you can
get some."
Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to
drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his
last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and
collapsed.
Another Bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the
door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"
"Water..." was the feeble reply.
"Oh, sir," replied the Bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come
in here without a tie!"
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| Posted by Bruce Henry on 14-Aug-2005 | Three men and a group of canibalsThere was a French man, a German man and an American man. They
were all travelling together on a far off island looking for
treasure. They soon ran into a group of canibals who wished to
eat them. The leader spoke up and said:
"Here, you may kill yourselves with a weapon of your choice,
then we shall eat you and save your skins to make our canoes."
The French man said "Here's to all the wine in Bordeaux, from my
wonderful country," then he shot himself in the head.
The German man said "Here's to all the beautiful women in my
beloved country," then he stabed himself through the heart.
The American said "Here's so that you can't make me into a
canoe," then he stabbed himself several times all over his body
with a fork.
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