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| Posted by Erin E. Singma on 14-Aug-2005 | Super BowlSeems there was this nasty biker riding his hawg down the icey highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spots a cat lying in the middle of the road. The biker thinks to himself, "I'll cut that cat in two," and he bears down on it hard. As he gets closer, he suddenly realizes that it's not a cat, it's a large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plows into it and he's sent flying over the handlebars onto the road at 80 MPH.
Well, when he arrives in Hell, who should be welcoming the new arrivals but the Devil himself. As the Devil shakes the (ex)biker's hand, he asks mockingly, "So, how do you like it here?"
The bad-a** biker replies, "Man, this is one COOL place!"
The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decides to crank up the thermostat a notch.
The next day, the Devil seeks out the biker and asks, "So, how do you like it now?"
Still the bad-a** biker responds by saying, "This is great! Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August."
Naturally, the Devil is only more angered, and cranks the heat up as far as it can go. The next day, Hell is as hot as it gets. The Devil again asks the biker how he likes it.
Undaunted, the biker proclaims, "It's almost as hot as the time I beat and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!"
Now the Devil is just plain upset, so he turns the thermostat all the way down.
The next morning, he finds the biker again and asks, "OK smart-arse, how do you like it NOW?"
With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker inquires, "W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Broncos f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?"
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| Posted by Mike Rotch on 14-Aug-2005 | Wrestling MatchOur story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement.
Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending. Suddenly there was a scream, a cheep from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded!
When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. "You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
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| Posted by craig brennan on 14-Aug-2005 | TennisWhile out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."
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():sport jokes (950): The Top 9 Items on Michael Jordan's To-Do List |
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| Posted by Alejandra Murrietta on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 9 Items on Michael Jordan's To-Do List9. Finally roll and count that jar of loose change in the kitchen.
8. Call Kareem for advice on getting those plum movie roles.
7. Travel to the Middle East, buy the country which bears his name, and do some kick-ass landscaping.
6. Two words: Air Spice
5. Chase dream of becoming Olympic caliber women's figure skater.
4. Strap a couple of championship trophies to the car and spend a day driving around Patrick Ewing's house.
3. "Alright, Mr. Rubik... it's just me and your cube... no distractions, no excuses."
2. Forget "Be Like Mike" -- start to enjoy Being Like Filthy Rich.
1. Report back to the home planet that he has successfully garnered the trust of all the humans and await final instructions.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com ]
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| Posted by Tae E. Coleman on 14-Aug-2005 | Golf InjuryA couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
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| Posted by jimmy miller on 14-Aug-2005 | Super @owl?What do you call 45 guys in a bar room watching the Super Bowl?
The Jets!
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