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():nerd jokes (650): Teach Thyself


Posted by Squirt on 13-Aug-2005

Teach Thyself

PrincessSuzy writes:

My school recently received an award for being an outstanding magnet school. The woman that presented the award said the following: "this is the best magnet school in the United States, maybe even the nation."


   

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():nerd jokes (650): In his own defence


Posted by lawyer jokes on 13-Aug-2005

In his own defence

After being sentenced to 32 years in jail for robbery, Alvin Washington of Clifton Heights, Pa., argued, successfully, that he should have a new trial because he wasn't given the opportunity to defend himself in the first proceeding.

At the second trial he was his own lawyer and this time was given an 80-year sentence.


   

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():nerd jokes (650): Incompetent Counterfeiter


Posted by Kristen on 13-Aug-2005

Incompetent Counterfeiter

An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.

He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phony money for real cash.

He travels to a small town in West Virginia and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"

The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An 8 and a 7 or two 6s and a three?"


   

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():nerd jokes (650): Taking the Genera's Temprature


Posted by Ashley E. Volling on 13-Aug-2005

Taking the Genera's Temprature

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General." After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don`t move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you," and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"

"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.

"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"


   

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():nerd jokes (650): In the theater


Posted by Joe J. Shmo on 13-Aug-2005
In the theater
At the movie theater there was a man laying across two seats. The usher comes down and says "Excuse me sir but you can only use one seat, I'm going to have to ask you to move."

The man just grunts.

The usher says again "Sir, if you don't move I will have to call the manager."

Again the man just grunts.

So the usher goes to get the manager. the manager says "Sir, if you don't move I will have to call the police, so I suggest you move".

But once again the man only grunts.

So the manager calls the police. The police come and say to the man "OK, what's your name?"

The man replies "Joe" Then the police officer says "And Joe, where did you come from?"

The man painfully answers, "the balcony"


   

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():nerd jokes (650): Sign on Rollercoaster


Posted by LittleDan on 13-Aug-2005
Sign on Rollercoaster
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor of the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"


   

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