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| Posted by Thomas Parry on 14-Aug-2005 | Testing your VocabularyWarning - Please DO NOT look at the bottom of the page before you answer
ALL the questions
1) What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as
intercourse?
2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3) What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long,
has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
4) What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
5) What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't
get one you can use your hands?
6) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
7) What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on
others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after
they're married?
PLEASE SEE THE ANSWER
ANSWERS:
1. (talk)
2. (legs)
3. (a twenty dollar bill)
4. (firetruck)
5. (fork)
6. (Almond Joy candy bar)
7. (last name)
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| Posted by Squirt on 14-Aug-2005 | Homer Simpson WisdomTHE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J. SIMPSON
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and
kids with fake IDs."
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if
you had an electrified fooling machine."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is
important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except
the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now
quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's
problems!"
"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city,
keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would
explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"
"I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get
you through life:
Number one, 'Cover for me.'
Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'"
"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear
Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the
time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well,
good night."
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you
win or lose: it's how drunk you get."
"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't -
it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil
wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in
every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy
who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?
We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all
those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody
laughin', did you?"
"Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"
"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're
making a scene.'"
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| Posted by Barry B on 14-Aug-2005 | The Train RideOne day after a war was over, a general and a private were
riding a train home, and the private was sitting in an aisle
seat, and was waiting for the train to pull out of the station,
when he looks up, and sees the prettiest girl he had ever seen
walk in the car, and she's coming closer, and closer, finally
she takes the seat directly across the aisle, and he gives her
one of those cool smooth looks, and then he looks down the aisle
again and sees....Grandma (who is a stout woman) coming over.
Now she has seen the look from the private to her granddaughter,
and gives the girl a little shove and the girl has to move over
to the window seat. The private is more than a little
disappointed because his view has just gone from gorgeous, to
old and ugly.
About an hour into the ride, They came into this tunnel, and
it's pitch black in the train, you hear this smoooooch, then
SMACK. The Beautiful girl is thinking, "I am so glad he kissed
me. I just wish my grandma hadn't decked him!"
The grandma is thinking, "I can't believe the NERVE of that
young man, really, kissing my granddaughter! I am sooo glad she
slapped him!"
The general is thinking, "I am so proud of my private, he saw an
opportunity, and he seized the opportunity, I just wish her
grandma would have hit him instead of me!"
The young private was thinking, "I must be the luckiest man in
the world, I got to kiss the prettiest girl I've ever seen, and
I got to deck my general without getting in trouble for it."
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| Posted by Ishboo M. Sac on 14-Aug-2005 | The Good, Bad and UglyGood: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: You wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Good: You're daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do
Good: You're son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's you're best friend
Good: You're wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
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| Posted by janaki on 14-Aug-2005 | Full StopA police officer (who shall remain nameless) pulled over a red Porsche
after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and
registration please?"
"What's the problem, officer?"
"Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."
"Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me".
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both
ways, and proceed with caution."
"you gotta be kidding me!"
"It's no joke, sir".
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty
miles, and proceeded with caution."
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete
stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and. . ."
"You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter, all the
doughnut shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and
registration immediately!"
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and
coming to a complete stop."
The police officer had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened
the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to
methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
"Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"
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| Posted by nick on 14-Aug-2005 | Piss BetA group of guys are in a bar and one of them walks up to the
bartender and bets him $500 that he can piss in a beer mug from
across the bar and not spill a drop. Considering the odds of it
the bar tender agrees to the bet and sets the mug across from
the man on the bar. The man unzipped his pants and pulled his
dick out and began to focus on the mug. He starts to pee and he
pisses all over the bar, the customers and the bartender. And
the bar tender is laughing cause he just mad $500. The bartender
says to the guy, "Where is my money?" And the guy walks back to
the table where his friends are and comes back smiling and lays
the money on the bar. The bartender is puzzled why the man was
smiling after losing $500 and asks the man, "Why are so happy
you lost the bet?" The man replies, "I might have lost the bet
with you, but I bet my budies over there $2000 that I could piss
on you, your bar, and your customers and you'd laugh about it."
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