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():top list jokes (540): The 25 Top Reasons Why Picard is Better than Kirk |
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| Posted by Matt A. Fennell on 14-Aug-2005 | The 25 Top Reasons Why Picard is Better than Kirk25 When Picard marries a couple, he doesn't lose the groom in battle.
24 Picard can speak in more languages than Kirk has ever heard.
23 Kirk was the first captain to see a Romulan, but Picard went to Romulus & kicked their butts.
22 Kirk never met an alien (female) he didn't like. . .
21 Kirk bested an old, tired has-been called Apollo, while Picard has bested an omnipotent being several times.
20 Picard can be vulnerable with women.
19 Picard has better taste in recreation (who needs a local bar when you've got a holodeck).
18 Picard looks better as a detective than Kirk does as a gangster.
17 Picard got to crown the leader of the Klingon high council.
16 Picard saved the Federation from the space bugs.
15 Picard became a Borg.
14 Picard can quote Shakespeare & doesn't need spectacles to read it.
13 Picard can fence.
12 Picard makes a better Romulan than Kirk does.
11 Picard is a wine connaisseur.
10 Picard punches Ferengi as well as Kirk ever punched the wimpy Klingons of the first series.
9 Picard never let a bald midget in a dwarf ship with a scary dummy fake him out for an entire episode.
8 Picard didn't let some female with a loose screw take over his body & his ship while sticking him in her body.
7 Picard hasn't EVER had to spend an entire episode ridding his ship of furry hairballs which reproduce.
6 Picard doesn't lose as many red shirts.
5 Picard has killed Klingons in hand to hand combat on several different occasions.
4 Picard has broken the Prime Directive at least a dozen times.
3 Picard can swear in Klingon.
2 Kirk never climbed a turbo shaft with a foxy lady & got it on in the bowels of the ship.
1 Kirk never mind melded with a Vulcan to help the VULCAN with his self control.
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Special Powers of the Young Darth Vader |
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| Posted by Warlock Z on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Special Powers of the Young Darth Vader14. Using the Force, young Darth could unhook a bra on the other side of the planet.
13. Could hack into Death Star mainframe to vaporize his violin teacher's house.
12. The power to cause volcanic pimple eruptions on the faces of his mortal enemies.
11. Could make Obi-Wan Kenobi pee his pants by sneaking in his room and putting his hand in warm water.
10. Ability to sweet-talk girls into "rubbing his helmet."
9. For a white kid, he did a pretty damn good James Earl Jones impression.
8. Astounding dodge ball prowess combined with "take no prisoners" attitude resulted in many a beheaded opponent.
7. The old Jedi "your lunch money is mine" trick.
6. Ability to emit a powerful protective force-field after only one bean burrito.
5. Won the high school talent show every year by making the vice principal writhe in pain.
4. Ability to activate "Trouser Saber" at will.
3. The uncanny ability to make all the hottest babes believe that through the constant application of love and understanding *they* can change him.
2. "You don't need to see my I.D. You know I'm old enough to buy beer."
1. Pasty skin + jet-black wardrobe + intense aura of impending doom = Goth babe magnet!
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Ways Barbie Celebrated her 40th Birthday |
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| Posted by dan hoffman on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Ways Barbie Celebrated her 40th Birthday14. Nobody knows, but they found her naked behind the sofa.
13. Had 40 donuts and make a quick trip to the bathroom.
12. For kicks, told an 11-year-old girl she looked "a little chunky."
11. Got "dollfaced."
10. Same as last year -- had another rib removed.
9. Got jiggy in the barracks with G.I. Joe.
8. Drowned her sorrows in a thimbleful of Barbie Dream Gin while listening to the deafening roar of her biological clock.
7. Dumped Ken. Flashed thong at Bill. Waited for million dollar book deal.
6. Weekly tanning session in an Easy Bake oven.
5. Same as every day -- curled up on a couch watching "The View" with General Foods Viennese coffee blend and Snackwells cookies.
4. Another night searching in vain for Ken's "accessory."
3. Had a big party and invited all her plastic friends -- just like the rest of us do.
2. Ransacked the house looking for that arm the dog chewed off.
1. Gave Ken a red marker and let him draw some nipples.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by Rosanna h. Young on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Hard to Find Scavenger Hunt Items13. A dry cleaning ticket from Monica Lewinsky
12. An intersection without a Starbucks
11. A stale Twinkie
10. A Girl Scout leader with a sense of humor
9. A gram of gray matter or a shred of dignity from Washington, DC
8. A 2-liter bottle of Bismuth 209
7. The name and address of that Las Vegas "hostess" who ran off with my wallet whilst I was asleep
6. Joe Piscopo's career
5. A million dollars in small, unmarked bills
4. A Windex sandwich
3. A Radio Shack employee who attended college
2. A volume from Posh Spice's Nietzsche library
1. Osama bin Laden's "Girls of the Arabian Peninsula" exercise video
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| Posted by Eric Willis on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Rejected TV Cowboy Names13. Petticoat Marv
12. Heidi Ho: Frontier Flatbacker
11. Diarrhea Dan - The Fastest Shot In The West
10. "Tin Man" Starr: U.S. Marshall and his sidekick, Clint N. Stain
9. "Three-Legged" Dirk
8. Three-Fingered, make that "Two-Fingered", well, wait a minute now.... ah, hell -- The Leprosy Kid
7. Nurturing Smith and His Trusty Sidekick, Cherish
6. Gene-DMC, the Rappin' Cowboy
5. Richard Van Deibel, Cowboy Massage Therapist
4. Ole' Dirty Cowpoke
3. Bat Masturbationson
2. Cowboy Spice
1. "Pedophile Bob" and His Singin' Pocket 'O Jerky
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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():top list jokes (540): Important Things Learned About Life From Action Adventure Films |
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| Posted by James Craven on 14-Aug-2005 | Important Things Learned About Life From Action Adventure Films1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.
2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
3. There are two kinds of women in the world: One type want to go to bed with you, and the other type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.
4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my coworkers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supersede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.
7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.
9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.
10. My archenemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman (see #7, above).
12. I will befriend at least one black guy, if white, or one white guy, if black. If I am Latino the monster/villain will kill me halfway through the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of violence.
13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.
15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.
16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.
17. If my opponent has a sidekick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'
18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.
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