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| Posted by Joe Mama on 14-Aug-2005 | The AirplaneA pilot was flying a 747 full of passengers as a voice cracked
over the radio.
It said, "This is Ground Control. Please divert your course 5
degrees east. Over."
The pilot was slightly confused and responded, "10-4, but why
should I divert my course?"
The voice answered, "Your plane and another 747 are about to
pass over a major city and we don't want any excess noise."
The pilot laughed and said, "I'm 31,000 feet up. What kind of
noise could I cause?"
Ground Control answered, "Have you ever heard the sound that
colliding 747's make?"
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| Posted by Daisy Girl on 14-Aug-2005 | What time does the bar open?At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what
time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even
drunker. "What time does the bar open?" He asks.
"Same time as before... Noon," Replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar
opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can
have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
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| Posted by Ricky THE MAN on 14-Aug-2005 | To Identify Where Drivers Are FromOne hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator:
California
*with gun in lap: L.A.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head
turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot
on brake, mind on game: Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating
between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the
brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping
speed steadily at 70 mph, driving down the center of the road
unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on
the left side of the road: Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show
different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse,
brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on
the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver
with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment:
Texas female
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes
constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible
emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado
One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand
waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a
careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to
come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other
motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a
car with Texas plate.
Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window,
beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West
Virginia male.
Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who
is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas
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| Posted by Lady on 14-Aug-2005 | One wishTwo guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the
middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft
and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the
surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran
out of food and water.
On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and
starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in
the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it
was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in).
They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired
old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from this stupid lamp,
yadda, yadda, yadda.
But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now
and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE wish
and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one".
The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give
us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!"
"Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean
into beer.
"Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first
guy in the head. NOW we're gonna have to pee in the BOAT!"
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| Posted by Jennifer M. Talbot on 14-Aug-2005 | Airline SafetyWhile cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and Mr.
Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of
the engines just blew up!" Other passengers left their seats and
came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second
blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the flight
attendants couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and
smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and
assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His
words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers
feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the
door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from
under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought
you said there was nothing to worry about."
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.
"We're going to get help."
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| Posted by Valerie A. Galluzzo on 14-Aug-2005 | Watch Your Step"When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch
your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your
language. Thank you."
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