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| Posted by OWEN PSYCO on 07-Aug-2005 | "The ardent swain, picking a bouquet of wildflowers..."The ardent swain, picking a bouquet of wildflowers for his loved
one, was disconcerted to find himself, suddenly, in the same field
with a large bull of unfriendly appearance which, gazing at him
steadily, pawed the ground in a threatening manner. The youth,
spying a farmer on the other side of a distance fence, shouted,
"Hey, mister, is that bull safe?"
The farmer surveyed the situation with critical eye, spat to one
side and called back, "He's safe as anything." He spat again, and
added, "Can't say the same about you, though."
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| Posted by Jocky on 07-Aug-2005 | A hip young man goes out and buys the best...A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1996
Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world,
and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing
so, stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next
to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car
and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young many replies "A 1996 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."
"That's a lot of money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost
so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool
dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure" replies the owner.
So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car,
all right!" Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show
the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds
the speedometer reads 320 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be
getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly,
whhooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!"
"What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?" the
young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooosshh!
It goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the
moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Turbo
BeepBeep?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whoooshka-BbblaMMM! It
plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The young man jumps out, and Jesus to Betsy, it IS the old man!!! Of
course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up
to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I
can do for you?"
The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your
side-view mirror!"
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| Posted by Jeremy C. Bivens on 07-Aug-2005 | It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners...It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present
astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of
them. When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great
while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me there's some
twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things are just too
obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions,
not many archers and no damn water bearers. Virgins? The neighborhood's
not crawling with them either. SO, what we need here is some relevance. We
need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.
OKRA Dec 22 - Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra
have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and
see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
CHITLIN Jan 21 - Feb 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're
uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however,
can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of
seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful.
Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a
really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember
that when marriage time rolls around.
BOLL WEEVIL Feb 20 - Mar 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of
things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything.
Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner
hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry
about it.
MOON PIE Mar 21 - Apr 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch
to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are
the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely
interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year
to think about aerobics. Maybe not.
POSSUM Apr 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to
withdraw and develop a "don't-bother-me-about-it" attitude. Sometimes you
become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is
probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day,
however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you
over.
CRAWFISH May 22 - Jun 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging
around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the
pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the livingroom. You tend not to be
particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
COLLARDS Jun 22-Jul 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting
pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around
them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball
managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay
away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of
heartache.
CATFISH Jul 24 - Aug 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception:
Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy
people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of
life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS Aug 24 - Sep 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle
together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so
maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go?
Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can
go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS Sep 24 - Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those
who know you best --your friends and loved ones-- may find that your
personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you
deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go
right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours
is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will
always pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN Oct 24 - Nov 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with
everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine
of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next
to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon
Pies.
ARMADILLO Nov 23 - Dec 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite
gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit,
worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's
fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're
really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You
probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another, somewhat
kinky, mating possibility.
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