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| Posted by Daniel R. Perrault on 09-Aug-2005 | The balconyA man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, ''Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.''
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. ''Sir,'' the usher said, ''if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.''
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly. ''All right buddy, what's your name?''
''Sam,'' the man moaned.
''Where ya from, Sam?'' the cop asked.
''The balcony!''
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by scott m. on 09-Aug-2005 | Puzzled DoctorsIn a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
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| Posted by dave j. lochner on 09-Aug-2005 | AnagramsDormitory = Dirty Room
Evangelist = Evil's Agent
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Semolina = Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it
This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare] To be or not to be that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slingsand arrows of outrageous fortune. = In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.
Politicians: George Herbert Walker Bush = Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog
George Bush = He bugs Gore
Ronald Wilson Reagan = A long-insane Warlord (or
Insane Anglo warlord)
Ronald Reagan = A darn long era
Leroy Newton Gingrich = Yon Right-winger Clone
Margaret Thatcher = That great charmer
The Conservative Party = Teacher in vast poverty
And the grand finale: "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." --Neil A. Armstrong = A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by shayan nouri on 09-Aug-2005 | HoroscopeASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by jonny boy on 09-Aug-2005 | TipAt a posh Las Vegas casino, a blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 count in his hand are arguing about whether or not it is appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player says, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with that either, so why should I tip him?"
The dealer replies, "When you eat at a restaurant do you tip the waiter?"
"Yes," the gambler concedes.
"Well then, he serves you food; whether it's good or bad isn't up to him. By the same token, I'm serving you cards, so you should tip me."
"OK," says the gambler, "but the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an 8."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by dantheman on 09-Aug-2005 | A few questions1) Can you cry under water?
2) How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
3) Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
4) Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
5) Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
6) Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
7) What did 'cured' ham actually have?
8 ) How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
9) Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours and cry?
10) If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
11) Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
12) Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
13) How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
14) Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
15) If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
16) Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
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