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| Posted by Rachel sutton on 14-Aug-2005 | The Best Thing...Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to them
at that time of life.
The 80 year old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is to be
able to have a good pee. I just stand there and it dribbles and hurts, and
I have to go over and over again."
The 85 year old said, "The best thing could happen to me is if I could
have a good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my
hands on and it is still a problem."
The 90 year old man said, "That's not my problem, every morning at 6:00AM
sharp I have a good long pee and at 6:30AM sharp I have a great bowel
movement. The best thing that could happen to me is if I could wake up
before 7:00AM."
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| Posted by Cher_94 on 14-Aug-2005 | Fun Things to do in an Elevator- To a man, say "Joe, how have you been?", and carry on a
conversation with him like you've known him forever.
- Introduce yourself as Ochenga-Wangaa The great chief and begin
telling stories of your native island.
- Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.
- Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
- Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
"Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut UP!"
- Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World"
incessantly.
- On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of
the elevator.
- Shave.
- Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside
ask: "Got enough air in there?"
- Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear
yours upside-down.
- Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.
- When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the
doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
- Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake
and ask them to call you Admiral.
- On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it
stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go
"plink" at the bottom.
- Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce: "I've got new socks on!"
- When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh,
not now, damn motion sickness!"
- Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
- Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
- Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
- Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing
buttons.
- Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
- Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
- Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're
one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
- Leave a box between the doors.
- Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for
them.
- Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers
"through" it.
- Start a sing-along.
- When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your
beeper?"
- Play the harmonica.
- Shadow box.
- Say "Ding!" at each floor.
- Lean against the button panel.
- Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
- Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
- Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host
body."
- Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
- Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
- Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
- If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
- Before you push a button, stare at it and say: OK, Raymond...
LetBs go!
- Draw a chalk outline of a person on the floor. When the other
passengers enter, say, "Poor Danny, he was my best friend."
- Say, "See? That's the noise it made just before it fell last
time!"
- Push all the buttons when people get on and say you can't
decide which floor to go on.
- While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper,"hide
it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
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| Posted by Megan S. Renner on 14-Aug-2005 | The 10-Year-Old BoyA salesman knocks on the door of a suburban house.
It's opened by a 10-year-old boy dressed in a cape that trails
along the floor behind him. On his head, he's wearing a large
tophat. In one hand, he holds a huge glass of brandy and in the
other, a remote control. In his mouth is a smoking cigar.
"Mom and Dad in?" asks the salesman.
The boy replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"
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| Posted by Andy N. Arena on 14-Aug-2005 | CoNfUsInGIf 7-11 is open 24 hours a day 365 days a year, why are there
locks on the door?
Why are people who "need no introduction" always introduced?
Why is the word abbriviation so long?
If you had 20 odds and ends on a table and all but one fell off,
whats left, an odd or an end?
What is the speed of dark?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of
earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting
out of the water?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
What's another word for synonym?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit
suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket
signs?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers
aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
How can there be self-help groups?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is
prohibited there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called
cargo?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he
wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a
lemon called a yellow?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
temperature.
I lost a button hole.
I got a dog and named him "Stay." Now, I go "Come here, Stay!"
After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1
mile. It's a pain to fold it.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to
age.
Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a
dehumidifier.... I thought I'd put them in the same room and let
them fight it out.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get
out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I
think I've forgotten this before.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Australia. She said,
"Knock it off!."
How much deeper would the ocean be if there were no sponges in
it?
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, "Do you know the speed
limit here is 55 miles per hour?" So I said, "Oh, that's OK, I'm
not going that far."
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
the statues that are in all the other museums.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to
feed it.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's
part of the experiment?
The sign said "eight items or less." So I changed my name to Les.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when
suddenly the prescription ran out.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
specific.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer
thinks he can get me five.
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station.
Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he
said.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe
you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always
ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many
clothes?
Why is it called a hamburger, when it's made out of beef?
Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
IF "Con" is the Opposite of "Pro"....then what is the opposite
of progress?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients, but
dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead, to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels-aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a Garment Bag, and put Garments in a
Suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit
suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would
they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
What's another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
"practice"?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is
eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their
headlights off?
There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence
and more sense than we have.
I've heard snappier comebacks from a bowl of Rice Krispies.
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists
elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to
contact us.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Actual Newspaper or Magazine Ads
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar
An actual tip from page 16 of the Health Physics "Environmental,
Health & Safety Handbook for Employees."
"Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,
you'll never go anywhere again.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to
travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children
$2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra
pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully
by hand.
Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
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| Posted by sexy mole on 14-Aug-2005 | Operator 28An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a
sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!"
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."
He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party."
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."
He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in
you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.
Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys
standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."
He says, "Vy?"
They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd
like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."
He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to the
telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator28?
Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone
and shove it in you-know-vere?"
She says, "Yes?"
He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"
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| Posted by calicutieangel on 14-Aug-2005 | You owe nothing (true story)A couple of months ago I got a statement from a credit card company saying
that I still owed $1.22...this was strange since I had already paid the
balance in full. I called and asked for an explanation, and got some
nonsense I suppose someone somewhere understood...something like a
recursive finance charge. So I sent in a check for $2.00. Now, the credit
card co. sends a statment so long as you have a non-zero balance. So they
are now spending 32 cents a month to tell me I have a balance of 78 cents.
touchee.
OBsomeoneelsescreditcardpaymentHack:
You know, that reminds me of the article about 5 years back from a guy who
got a credit card bill stating that he owed $0.00.
He ignored it and threw it away.
Next month he got another, did the same thing.
The next month they sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to
cancel his credit card if he didn't send them $0.00. He called them,
talked to them, they said it was "a glitch" and told him they'd take care
of it.
The following month he tried to charge something and couldn't. He called
the credit card company who again said they'd take care of it. The next
day he got his bill for $0.00 stating that he was very delinquent.
The man figured the credit card company would take care of it, so he
didn't worry. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had
10 days to pay or his account was going to collection.
He mailed the credit card company a check for $0.00, and the credit card
company's computer processed it, noting that his account was now paid in
full.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing
writing a check for $0.00. He explained and they said, "well, your $0.00
check has caused our check processing software to fail. We now can't
process ANY of our checks from that day electronically because that $0.00
check is causing the program to abort."
The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her
birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
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