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| Posted by Icman78 on 10-Aug-2005 | The College Food ChainTHE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.
THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Talks with God.
PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if a special request is honored.
ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
Barely clears a Quonset hut.
Loses tug of war with a locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.
ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings.
Is run over by locomotives.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Treads water.
Talks to animals.
INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually.
Rides the rails.
Plays Russian Roulette.
Walks on thin ice.
Prays a lot.
GRADUATE STUDENT
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times.
Is not issued ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls.
UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings.
Says "Look at the choo-choo".
Wets himself with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Mumbles to himself THE DEPARTMENT SECRETARY
Lifts tall buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the track.
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
She IS God.
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| Posted by funkypunk on 10-Aug-2005 | The Powers Of ObservationA professor teaching medicine at the university was tutoring a class on
'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This," he explained,
"is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and
taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his
mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good
students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one
finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you
had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar
and my 3rd finger into my mouth."
Lesson learned!
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| Posted by Randy_Andy on 10-Aug-2005 | The Rabbit's ThesisOne sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine
weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind
her and caught her.
"I am going to eat you for lunch!" said the fox.
"Wait!" replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."
"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"
"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes
and Wolves.'"
"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will
always win over a rabbit."
"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my
hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and
have me for lunch."
"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose,
it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.
A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure
enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.
"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "You can't eat me right now."
"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"
"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over
Foxes and Wolves.'"
The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit. "Maybe I
shouldn't eat you; you really are sick ... in the head. You might have something
contagious."
"Come and read it for yourself; you can eat me afterward if you disagree with
my conclusions."
So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole and never came out.
The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce
patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."
"Yup, I just finished my thesis."
"Congratulations. What's it about?"
"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."
"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself." So together they went down into the
rabbit's hole.
As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather
messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was
in one corner. And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left a
pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.
The Moral of the Story:
The title of your thesis doesn't matter. The subject doesn't matter. The
research doesn't matter. All that matters is who your advisor is.
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| Posted by heyitsbw on 10-Aug-2005 | The SolutionTwo guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were doing
well in the class and thought that going into the final they had a solid "A".
They were so confident that the weekend before finals week, they went to the
University of Tennessee to party with some friends.
They had a great time. However, with hangovers and everything, they overslept
all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning,
the day of the exam.
Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final
to explain to him why they missed the final.
They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the
weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat
tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long
time, so they were late in getting back to campus.
The professor told them they could make up the final on the following day.
They were elated and relieved. At the final, the professor placed them in
separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
The first problem, worth 5 Points, was something simple about Molarity &
Solutions. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy."
The next problem was worth 95 Points. It asked: "Which tire?"
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| Posted by Eddie P. Yeti on 10-Aug-2005 | Telling Off The DeanWouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think
about him/her? Well, if you like your Dean as much as I like my Dean, then you'd
better keep your mouth shut. I knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I
expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years.
But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean
handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon).
Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that what I REALLY thought
about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye.
"Hey ," I said. "You're so damn ugly, you could practice birth control just by
leaving the lights on!"
And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt
just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years.
Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living room,
where it proudly exclaims to the world: "In order to receive your diploma,
please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades
have been posted!"
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| Posted by richelle on 10-Aug-2005 | DifferentA student said to his instructor, "Can you give me a simple example
illustrating Einstein's theory of relativity?"
"Yes. Say, you've put your nose into my ass. Now you say, 'I've nose in the
ass,' and I say 'I've a nose in the ass.' The expression is the same, but the
sensations are quite different!"
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