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| Posted by Jon R. Markman on 09-Aug-2005 | the drunkA little boy on the way to school one day saw a drunk playing with himself in an alley. The boy asked what he was doing. The drunk said "playing with my birdie, playing with my birdie" He then passed out. When he came to he was in the hospital, in pain around his groin area. He asked the Dr what happened, the Dr brought in the little boy and told him to answer the man. The boy said "after you went to sleep mister, I played with your birdie and he spit at me so I broke his neck, cracked his eggs and set his nest on fire"
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| Posted by Blake A. Mcarthur on 09-Aug-2005 | You Know You're1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.
14.
"Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15.
"Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.
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| Posted by Amy M. Poh on 09-Aug-2005 | Heading for TroubleA guy and his son go into a bar. The son is just a head though. The man asks the bartender for two shots. The man takes one shot and gives the other one to his son. The son swallows down the drink and out pops an arm.
The man thought,''Hey this is good.'' So he asks for two more shots. He drinks one and gives the other to his son again, and out pops another arm.
The man the asks for a double and gives it to his son. The son throws it down and suddenly explodes.
The bartender looks over at the man and says,'' Looks like he should have quit while he was ahead.'
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| Posted by Jeremy M. Fouquet on 09-Aug-2005 | Bad Car DayA police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
''What are you going to do with the prize money?'' the officer asked.
The man responded, ''I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license.''
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, ''Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk.''
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, ''I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car.''
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked ''Are we over the border yet?''
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| Posted by Lazerwolf91 on 09-Aug-2005 | Piss DrunkOne night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, “Betcha $20 I can bite my eye.” The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, “Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye.” Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.
He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, “Hey, barkeep,” he burbles, “I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop.” The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.
“What's so funny?” says the barkeep, “you just lost everything you won and more!” “Well,” giggles the man, “I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry.”
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| Posted by L'il Biatch on 09-Aug-2005 | Signs You Have a Han1. You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
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