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| Posted by thezaniak on 14-Aug-2005 | The Facts of Life1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
3. Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live
with..
4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends.
If they're OK, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book.
11. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where
you live.
12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
14. Murphy's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
society.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you
left them to where you can't find them.
18. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will
not be evenly distributed.
19. Supplement : A 44 Magnum beats 4 aces.
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| Posted by Betsy on 14-Aug-2005 | Children's "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey"From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were
asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
"My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him
we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I
guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to
Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him." Age 10
"When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he
better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell." Age 5
"I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it
was just a lawn mower." Age 11
"I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I
imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the
only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the
lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and
sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and
everyone died." Age 13
"I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found
my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already
gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense
of humor." Age 14
"I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which
is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who
wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?" Age 15
"Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I
think about the last words of my favorite uncle: 'A truck!'" Age
15
"It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would
have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or
December 26, just for the long weekends." Age 8
"Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about
letting just any old yokel vote." Age 10
"Home is where the house is." Age 6
"Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my
teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number."
Age 15
"It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed
it, the blood would be right there." Age 5
"Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to
accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money." Age 13
"For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green
cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big
hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out."
Age 6
"The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except
maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?"
or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I
was speeding?"" Age 15
"Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had
no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really
needed them, right?" Age 15
"I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as
some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he
sucks." Age 15
"If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize
world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would
be...until the looting started." Age 15
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| Posted by Holly Griman on 14-Aug-2005 | For Those Who Take Life Too SeriouslyFor Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
1. A day without sunshine is like, night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
4. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember: half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it
remains?
13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. Eagles may soar, but dogs don't get sucked into jet engines.
17. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese.
18. I intend to live forever -- so far so good.
19. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her
friends?
21. The only substitue for good manners is fast reflexes.
22. Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have.
23. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
and going the wrong way.
24. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.
25. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
26. Experience is something you don't get until after you need
it.
27. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
28. Bills travel though the mail at twice the speed of checks.
29. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
30. Realize that no matter what you do, the grocery store
check-out line you're in will always take the longest.
31. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
32. Anything you buy will go on sale the next day.
33. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
34. The colder the x-ray table the more of you body is required
on it.
35. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the
softness of the bread.
36. The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to your
ability to reach it.
37. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
many is research.
38. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
39. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
40. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
41. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
42. The sooner you fall behine the more time you'll have to
catch up.
43. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
44. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
45. Get a new car for you spouse -- it'll be a great trade!
46. Plan to be spontaneous -- tomorrow.
47. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
48. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
49. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
50. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
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| Posted by Wes Bundy on 14-Aug-2005 | GorillaA certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few
weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla
was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species
available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an
employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, it was
rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very
bright.
So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the
gorilla for five hundred bucks? Mike showed some interest, but said he
would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but
only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to
kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may
result from this union."
The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked
what was his third condition.
"Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the
five hundred bucks."
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| Posted by The Purple Lady on 14-Aug-2005 | Forget-Me-NotAn Australian travel writer at the beginning of a 6-month tour
of Canada was checking out of the Vancouver Hilton, and as he
paid his bill said to the manager, "By the way, what's with the
Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I
arrived."
"Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'." said the manager. "The
hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the
agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the
rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'
because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the
slightest detail of his life."
The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his
cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test.
"'g'day, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in
return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"
"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up,
and indeed the Aussie was impressed.
He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the
east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-me Not's
great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more
appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than ''ello mate.') On
his return to the Vancouver Hilton six months later was
surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the
lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.
"How?" said the Aussie to the Chief, who again did not stop to
look up.
"Scrambled." said the Chief.
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| Posted by Kelli M. Buckley on 14-Aug-2005 | The KissFour strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a
European train. Two men and two women faced each other.
One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady
who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to
her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old--who looked
like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across
from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a
highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the
Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about
trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there
they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound
of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud
slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly
with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in
this permissive day and age there are still young women who have
a little self-respect and dignity?"
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked
herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want
to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any
woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to
sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a
crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the
back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and
get away with it!"
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