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| Posted by Tina B on 14-Aug-2005 | The Flying TurtleDeep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air
waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and
fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a
couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she
chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
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| Posted by ASS HOLE on 14-Aug-2005 | The Amazing Talking DogA man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet
you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog: "Rough!"
Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"
Dog: "Ruth!"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out
the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and
says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"
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| Posted by Nat Hartten on 14-Aug-2005 | Guide Dog Almost Killed Blind ManA blind man is walking down the street with his guide dog one
day. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the
high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind
man right out into the thick of the traffic. This is followed by
the screech of tires as panicked drivers try desperately not to
run the pair down. Horns blaring, the blind man and the dog
finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of
the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat
pocket which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't
control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth
are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you
killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To
find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass!"
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| Posted by I Luv Jason Williams on 14-Aug-2005 | Stuttering CatLittle Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher
says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only
human stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny!", replies the teacher. "Well, Miss,
the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The
neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat
went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he
could said, "Fuck off!", the dog ate him!"
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| Posted by Dete on 14-Aug-2005 | Pussy CatOne day a fly was flying over a lake. In the lake a trout said
to himself, "If that fly will drop four inches, I can jump out
and catch it." Behind a shrub a bear said to himself, "If that
fly will drop four inches, the trout will jump out of the water
and catch it, so I can reach out and grab the trout." On a hill
sat a hunter who said, "If that fly will drop four inches, the
trout will jump out of the water and catch it, the bear will
reach out and grab the trout, and it will expose him for a clear
shot." Behind A bush there was a rat who said, "If that fly will
drop four inches, the trout will jump out of the water and catch
it, the bear will reach out and grab the trout, the hunter will
have a clear shot at the bear and run down to get his kill, and
I can steal his food." Behind a tree was a cat who said, "If
that fly will drop four inches, the trout will jump out of the
water and catch it, the bear will reach out and grab the trout,
the hunter will have a clear shot at the bear and run down to
get his kill, the rat will steal the hunter's food, and I can
pounce on the rat." Well, everything began: the fly dropped four
inches, the trout caught the fly, the bear reached out and
grabbed the trout exposing himself, the hunter shot the bear and
ran down for his kill, the rat stole the hunter's food, and the
cat tripped and rolled all the way down the hill into the lake.
Moral: When the fly drops, the pussy gets wet.
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| Posted by Chandler on 14-Aug-2005 | The 2 IrishmenPaddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.
When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said "Paddy, me ol' mate,
how we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my fookin pig, and
ten we can tell 'em apart." "Ah tat'd be grand." Says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the
house.
"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the ear offa my fookin pig.
Now we got two fookin pigs with on one ear each. How we gonna tell who
owns which fookin pig?"
"Well Paddy" said Paddy "I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten
we'll av two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear"
"Ah tat'd be grand." says Paddy.
Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again
stormed into the house.
"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin
pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears. How we gonna tell who
owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah tis is serious, Paddy." Said Paddy "I'll tell ya what I'll do I'll cut
ta tail offa my fookin pig. Ten we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin
ears and only one fookin tail."
"Ah tat'd be grand." Says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into
the house once more.
"PADDY" shouted Paddy "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY
FOOKIN PIG AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO
FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!! HOW THE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM
APART!!!!!!!!!!"
"Ah fook it." Says Paddy "How's about you have the black one, and I'll
have the white one?"
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