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| Posted by Alycia on 13-Aug-2005 | The Four Stages Of Life
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
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| Posted by Kevin M. Pinto on 14-Aug-2005 | 'Twas the night after ChristmasBy Jeff Foxworthy
'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys,
and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,
the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives.
My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin',
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus,
and you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like?"
The Sheriff replied, "He's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."
Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten,
and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's.
But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun,
when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.
And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'.
I thought he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'.
So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.
So I popped a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."
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| Posted by Jeremy Penner on 14-Aug-2005 | How to Tell if You're a GrinchThis is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions:
1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer.(10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of qticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).
6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).
8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points).
9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).
10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).
Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.
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20-30: You are just a cheeseball.
30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.
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():holiday jokes (333): True Stories from the Butterball Turkey Hotline |
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| Posted by i-HaVe PmS on 14-Aug-2005 | True Stories from the Butterball Turkey HotlineWhere people call to get advice how to cook a Turkey from the experts
* Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, "I don't know, it's still running around outside."
* Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu
* Then there's the time a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
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| Posted by Karin Czapnik on 14-Aug-2005 | Christmas BikeOn Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did'"
The kid says,"Well next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
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():holiday jokes (333): 25 Ways to annoy your roommate at Christmas |
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| Posted by the cat Urban on 14-Aug-2005 | 25 Ways to annoy your roommate at Christmas1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash on the floor.
2. Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off.
3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it.
4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."
5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roommate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.
6. Hang a stocking with your roommates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say "you've been very naughty this year."
7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. "You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.")
9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.
10. Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roommate's two front teeth..."
11. Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.
12. Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically "it didn't work!"
13. Whip your roommate screaming "now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc."
14. Tear down all your roommate's Christmas decorations yelling "Bah Humbug!"
15. Wake up every morning screaming "Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!"
16. Tell your roommate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a house on 34th Street.
17. Pin a poinsettia to your lapel.
18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommate's friends "give it a yank."
20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings."
21. Stand in front of the mirror reciting "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" over and over in your underwear.
22. Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturally.
23. Watch your roommate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, "he sees you when you're sleeping..."
24. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roommate asks, tell him/her "I had to let them stay here, there's no room at the inn."
25.When your roommate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her possessions. Tell him/her that Santa's elves must have done it.
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