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| Posted by meryl m. clewett on 14-Aug-2005 | The GerbilThis guy named Bob walked into a bar with a frog and a gerbil. The
bartender, who was curious of why he had such odd pets with him decided to
ask about it. The guy replied "that his animals had special talents and
could not leave them at home." So, the bartender, who was now even more
curious then before, wanted to know what they did, so of course he asked.
Bob then whipped out a miniature piano. He sat the Gerbil down next to the
piano and the little thing started playing. After a few measures, the frog
starts singing to the tune.
The man that was sitting next to the guy said that he would pay Bob $500
for that frog.
Without thought, the man gave the frog to the man.
As Bob was counting his money, the bartender asked why he sold such a
thing. To which Bob replied "it is okay, the Gerbil is a ventriloquist"
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| Posted by slut j/k on 14-Aug-2005 | Quotes About Cats"Quotes About Cats"
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."
- Dave Platt
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
-Anonymous {So true! My cats walks on me! - LadyHawke}
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this."
- Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull
a sled through snow."
- Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
- English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
- Ellen Perry Berkeley
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are G-d."
"One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message
and get back to you later."
- Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject
to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who
suffered from insomnia."
- Joseph Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their
next life."
- Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They
are all owned by cats."
- Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The
wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."
- Hippolyte Taine
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life:
music and cats."
- Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."
- Ernest Menaul
"Time spent with cats is never wasted."
- Colette
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be;
Unless my cats are there to welcome me."
- Anonymous
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.
True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."
- Missy Dizick
"You will always be lucky if you know how to make
friends with strange cats."
- Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any
harm to ask for what you want."
- Joseph Wood Krutch
"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."
- John S. Nichols
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle
and will p**s on your computer."
- Bruce Graham
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."
"My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes."
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| Posted by kaitlyn on 14-Aug-2005 | A New PetOnce upon a time a man was lonely and decided life would be more
fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the
owner that he wanted an unusual pet. He then bought a centipede,
which came in a little white box. He took the box home and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to
have a drink. So he asked him:
"Would you like to go to Frank's Place and have a beer?"
No answer. This bothered him a bit So a few minutes later he
again asked him: "How about going to the bar and having a drink
with me?"
Again... no answer. He asked him one more time: "Hey, would you
like to go & have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time.
I'm just putting on my shoes."
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| Posted by Matt K on 14-Aug-2005 | Sex HogA farmer decided one day that he wanted to breed his prize-winning hog.
So, he put her in a cart and wheeled her to a farm five miles away, to
breed with a high class pig. He paid $20 for the stud fee, and after they
were done, brought his hog back to his farm.
The next day he went out to check and see if she was pregnant, but she was
not. So, he put her back in the cart and wheeled her to a farm that was
ten miles away, bred her with the pig there, who was said to be of higher
class than the first, and paid his $50 stud fee. Then brought the hog back
home.
But, when he checked the next day, she still was not pregnant! This time
he wheeled her to a farm that was twenty miles away, and was the home of
one of the best pigs in the county. He paid a $100 stud fee, and then
wheeled his hog all the way back home and went to bed.
In the morning the farmer was just too exhausted to get out of bed and go
see if his hog was finally pregnant, so he asked his wife to check for
him. The wife came back and told her husband, "Well, she ain't pregnant,
but she's in the cart and ready to go."
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| Posted by hello people on 14-Aug-2005 | Origin of PetsA newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided
the answer to, "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me
every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and
it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you
that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my
love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see
me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may
be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love
you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it
was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was
pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said,
"Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I
cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new
animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a
reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved
him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was
content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came
to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride.
He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy
of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but
perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a
companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as
he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he
will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not
obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded
that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
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| Posted by David McMorris on 14-Aug-2005 | To the top!A pheasant was standing in a field chatting with a bull. The
pheasant sighed, "I would love to be able to get to the top of
that tree over there, but I just haven't got the energy." "Well,
why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? They're packed
with nutrients." replied the bull. The pheasant pecked at a lump
of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to
reach the first branch of the tree! And the very next day, after
eating some more, he reached the second branch! And so on. And
finally, after just a few days, there he was proudly perched at
the top of the tree. Where upon, he was spotted by a farmer who
dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the
pheasant right out of the tree.
Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there
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