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| Posted by Mike - on 09-Aug-2005 | The Golden SaloonA guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea. He loop-legs it through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring he's been out jumping new bones.
"Where the hell you been all night?"
she demands.
"At this fantastic new saloon," he says.
"The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."
"Bullshit! There's no such place!" Guy says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal's gold!" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her old man's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?"
she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
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| Posted by Joe Skager on 09-Aug-2005 | Fighting for VirginiThe guy walked into the bar (ouch) looking like he'd been run over by a truck. His hair was matted, his face bloody and scratched, his clothes torn. His friends bought him a beer, then asked, "What happened?"
The guy chugged the beer and said, "I was fighting for Joanne's virginity."
"No kidding?"
"Yeah. But that little tiger was determined to keep it."
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| Posted by Alycia Dufresne on 09-Aug-2005 | Railroad DrunksTwo Drunk Irishmen are walking down a set of railway tracks,
First Irishman: "Jesus Christ Pat, I've never seen so many stairs"
Second Irishman: "Fuck that Mick, it's this low railing that's killing me"
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| Posted by Laurie Hiestand on 09-Aug-2005 | Bar Tab in AlaskaIt's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab."
"Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week."
"That's okay," says the bartender.
"I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall."
"But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."
"They won't," says the bartender.
"I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."
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| Posted by Amy Joan on 09-Aug-2005 | Spent PaycheckWife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope?
Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.
Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?
Man: Eight rounds of drinks.
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| Posted by Mark Julia on 09-Aug-2005 | Beer FestivalAfter the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"
The Guinness president replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
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