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| Posted by anna hindu on 11-Aug-2005 | The GolfersOne of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. "9.30 okay?"
George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."
The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.
They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."
The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. "Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked.
George said, "Sure if I??™m ten minutes late??¦"
Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute??¦ You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you??™re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed."
George said, "Well, that??™s true ??“ I??™m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she??™s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed."
"What if she??™s lying on her back?"
George said, "That??™s when I??™m ten minutes late!"
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| Posted by J D on 11-Aug-2005 | Exam for athletes...The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.
Time Limit: 3 Days.
Write Your Name: ________________________________________
(20 point bonus if spelled correctly).
1. What language is spoken in Germany?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - Give the FIRST name of Michael Jordan.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
____ (a) build a bridge
____ (b) lead an army or
____ (c) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
____ (a) Jewish
____ (b) Catholic
____ (c) Hindu
____ (d) Polish
5. Advanced Math: How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 12?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far NORTH called?
____ (a) Westerners
____ (b) Southerners
____ (c) NORTHerners
9. Spell the name of the current President of the US. (George Bush)
_______________________________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth.
Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
____ (a) Wall Mart
____ (b) Kmart
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
____ (a) yes
____ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for which country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in Capital Letters.
16. Where is the basement in a four story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
____ (a) Minnnesota
____ (b) Florida
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) Wisconsin
18. More advanced math. If you have three pears, how many pears do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
____ (a) B.C
____ (b) A.D.
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| Posted by Mike Rotch on 11-Aug-2005 | BengalsDo you know why the Cincinnati Bengals were the last NFL team to get a website?
Because they couldnt put three W's in a row.
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| Posted by dominick s. laporte on 11-Aug-2005 | The 2 deer hunters.Two guys are out hunting deer...
The first guy says, "Did you see that?...pointing to the sky."
"No," the second guy says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead!" the first guy says.
"Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks.
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there!"
"Yah, Ok", says the second guy again with a bit of irritation in his voice.
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"
This time pointing behind them.
By now, the second guy is getting very aggravated and says, "Yah, I SAW IT!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"
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| Posted by Valley Canuck on 11-Aug-2005 | For Atlanta Falcon Fans!A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity.
At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Georgia.
The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man,and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Georgia.
At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, the man was instead singing louder than ever,twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why, he was so happy, the man answered,
"Cold day in hell, the Falcons must be in the SuperBowl!"
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| Posted by lulabelle on 11-Aug-2005 | Famous Sports Quotes.Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes
first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius.. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too
damn ugly to kiss goodbye."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my @#%#%@ clothes."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)
Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)
Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy
officiating." (1986)
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" (1991)
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." (1987)
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