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| Posted by Boogyman J. Boogster on 13-Aug-2005 | The History of Santa
1689--Spanish-German explorer Santa Claus discovers the North Pole, and establishes a small base camp.
1691--Because of harsh and meager living conditions, Claus' crew abandons him.
1692--Claus is rescued by the Viking ship Hvorfor. He returns to Europe, bringing some items along with him from the North Pole. He finds he is able to sell them quite easily, making a small profit.
1703--Claus saves up enough money to buy a small ship and crew, and returns to the North Pole. Upon arriving, he finds his base camp, half-buried but still intact.
1704--Claus returns to Europe with a shipload of North Pole artifacts, and is successful in selling them. He makes enough profit to increase his crew, and buys building materials to expand his polar base.
1705--Claus returns again to the North Pole, and builds quarters for him and his crew, and sets up the Polar Exports Company.
1716--After six shiploads of exports, the European market is flooded with polar artifacts, as well as the phony ones making charlatans rich. Seeing this decline, Claus decides to invest his money by starting a toy company in his native Germany.
1720--Claus Toys becomes the largest toy company in Germany, but only because of Claus' underhanded business dealings. (It was also rumored that Claus was dealing with enemy countries as well). Competitors urged government officials to begin an investigation.
1721--Enough evidence is found, and charges are drawn up against the Claus Toys Company. Claus himself refuses to release his records.
1722--The German Supreme Court finds Claus guilty of tax evasion and of treason. When news of this breaks, Claus' employees all turn against him and his company.
1723--Claus is exiled to Sicily, and shortly before leaving, he absconds with all of the company's funds.
1724--A search party is sent to the Mediterranean to recover the funds, however, Claus hears of this ahead of time, and he and his Sicilian wife flee for their lives. (Some say he went into Northern Africa, but it is generally assumed that this was only a ruse to lure the searchers off course. He is believed to have returned to his North Pole base).
1725--Claus II is born en route to the North Pole.
1725-1734--The Claus' lay low at the North Pole. Claus teaches his son the arts of toymaking and business dealings.
1735--Rumor has it that Claus has hired Scandinavian builders to construct a castle for him at the North Pole, making use of almost half of the company funds.
1739--The castle is finished, and is one of the largest in the world. Claus II reaches his fifteenth birthday, and in the same year, Claus' wife dies accidentally falling from a balcony in one of the castle's great halls.
1740--Claus, mourning his wife, becomes increasingly ill.
1745--Santa Claus II becomes of age, and begins taking care of the castle and of his sick father.
1747--Using the remaining company funds, Claus II builds a small city around the castle to attract workers and craftsmen.
1748--Word of the North Pole settlement reaches Europe. The Elves of Eastern Europe, quickly becoming political outcasts and striving for a better life, begin immigrating in waves to the North Pole.
1753--All the elves have left Eastern Europe and have become firmly established at the North Pole. Claus II begins his father's toy company once again, with an estimated 30,000 elves employed. Claus I dies at age 89.
1755--The North Pole officially becomes a nation, and Claus II and his wife take the throne. The toy business continues to flourish, and the elves enjoy prosperity. Claus III is born.
1757--The great stables are built, and scientists are secretly hired by Claus II to begin an ambitious project--that of breeding and training reindeer to fly.
1773--The flying reindeer are achieved and become Claus II and III's major form of transportation.
1774--A mutant reindeer, named Rudolf, is born whose nose emits light. He becomes an outcast of the reindeer society, and is taken in by the Claus government. Claus II celebrates his 50th birthday, inviting several other world leaders for a stay at his castle. To impress them, he displays a lavish show of wealth, all at the elves' expense. He gives the other leaders the impression of a dictatorship under the guise of royalty. The elves sense this, and the seeds of rebellion are planted.
1777--As conditions become increasingly strict, the elves begin to search for a leader to lead their revolt. Rudolf, still in favor of the Claus government, sees their plight and begins thinking of ways to use it to his advantage.
1784--On his 60th birthday, Claus II takes a sleigh ride down main street during the Christmas day parade, and is assassinated by a radical faction of elves. Claus III, now 29, takes over immediately and puts martial law into effect for the whole North Pole. Civil war breaks out as Rudolf leads the Elves in rebellion.
1785-1792--The Seven-year Strike takes place. The elves refuse to make toys, and the Claus Toy Company nearly goes bankrupt, as the North Pole hits an economic low. Claus III, fearing for his life, becomes a prisoner in his own castle. Rudolf rises to the peak of his power, and sets himself as leader of the elven community.
1796--Rudolf and his army unsuccessfully attempt to invade Norway. Over 10,000 elves are killed.
1800--Inside the castle, unbeknownst to the elves, Claus IV is born.
1802--After a string of political blunders, Rudolf senses that he is quickly losing favor with the elves. Frosty the Snowman is built, brought to life, and used as a political scapegoat.
1804--Frosty the Snowman is melted at a public execution, and the elves are calmed of their unrest, for the moment.
1819-1826--After a long period of unrest, Rudolf is finally ousted, and Claus III, aged 71, rightfully regains the throne. Prince Claus IV is introduced to the elves publicly for the first time.
1827-1841--The Renormalization years. Claus III brings the near-bankrupt Claus Toys Company out of dormancy and appoints his son as president. In order to clear their bad name and make up for their out-of-the-way location, they decide to start the largest advertising campaign ever. Each Christmas, Claus IV will ride all over the world, distributing free toys to children everywhere. The ad campaign becomes a hit, but it remains very costly.
1837--Claus III dies.
1851--As the annual ad campaign continues, deficits pile up, and the elves are asked to work harder, longer hours and still take a pay cut. They start to complain, but Claus assures them he will do all he can to help them. As a sign of goodwill, Claus IV marries an Elven wife, strengthening the bonds between the Claus family and the Elves.
1856--Claus V is born. In order to celebrate, Claus IV decides to stay at home, and so he suggests that department stores use costumed employees to represent him. They do, and it works out so well that he decides to do it every year.
1857-1867--Claus V grows up, spending most of his time visiting with his elf relatives and friends. Claus IV, who spends most of his time building up the company, doesn't seem to mind; in fact, he feels that it's good publicity.
1871--Working conditions continue to worsen for the elves, and they try to convince Claus V to overthrow his father and give the government back to the elves.
1872--Claus V usurps his father's throne, sending him to live the remainder of his life under guard in the castle's west wing.
1875--After reading the works of Karl Marx, Claus V chooses communism as the new form of government for the North Pole. Some elves protest this, but they are successfully quieted. (It is also because of communism that Santa Claus' suit later changes from beige to red.)
1881--Claus IV dies in captivity, just as the new Government gets underway. His funeral is not a large one.
1887--In order to keep up with growing populations, Claus Toys becomes industrialized. The elves learn the ways of mass production on the assembly line.
1893--Another mutant reindeer is born, and is named Rudolf II in honor of the first one, whom the communist government now honors for "giving the government back to the elves."
1900--Sigmund Freud's "The Interpretation of Dreams" is published.
1902--After he had been presumed dead for years, Frosty the Snowman is claimed to have been sighted on several occasions. All throughout the kingdom, children claim that they all heard him say he'd be back again some day.
1906--Claus VI is born. The Claus family celebrates, but the elves aren't the least bit excited.
1909-1922--The toys distributed yearly begin to show signs of propaganda influence. Frosty the Snowman continues to appear occasionally, and Claus V begins to grow uneasy, fearing some sort of hidden sabotage.
1925--Claus V dies, under mysterious circumstances. He is found buried in the snow in the castle garden, frozen solid. Many think it is the work of Frosty, but no one can prove it.
1926--Claus VI takes over, and immediately tightens up security. He rules with an iron hand, but a fair one. Electric lights are installed in the streets, and the castle and the town gets electricity. The factories are expanded, and the toys continue to be used as propaganda for the world.
1929--Angered by Claus' commercialization of Christmas, the Grinch attempts to remove the material goods to show the true meaning of Christmas. He fails, and later Claus commissions a cartoon, which warps the story so that the Grinch is made out to be the villain.
1949--Claus VII is born.
1979--Claus VI dies of natural causes.
1933-1990--The North Pole remains stable, with everything running smoothly. Across the Western world, a pattern starts to emerge and become noticed. Children receive Claus' toys each Christmas, but as they grow older, their parents throw them away and then they tell their children that there is no Santa Claus.
1991--First sightings of Anti-Claus.
1993--Anti-Claus is observed closely with telescopes, and photographed. His suit is like that of Santa Claus, but with the reds and whites reversed. He carries a 3-ply Hefty bag full of gifts no one wants or needs. And instead of using reindeer and a sleigh, he rides in a bathtub pulled by eight flying cows.
1997--Anti-Claus is radar tracked and found to live in an underground hideout run by dwarves at the South Pole.
2002--Communism fails utterly at the North Pole due to the nature of the elves. Claus VII, flying clockwise around the earth making the Christmas rounds, collides with Anti-Claus, who was flying counterclockwise. A huge explosion and blinding flash of light occurs, leading scientists to believe that they annihilated each other.
2007--The North Pole becomes a democracy, run wholly by the elves. Christmas is no longer commercialized or exploited. Happiness is finally achieved throughout the kingdom despite the surprising discovery that the nation is nearly bankrupt.
2011--It is discovered that Claus VII did not die in the explosion. He engineered the entire Anti-Claus incident in an elaborate plot to steal the Polar treasury. After the "explosion", he retired to the Bahamas. He is later found dead of a heart attack in a jacuzzi with two and a half dozen nymphets.
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| Posted by Free Bird on 13-Aug-2005 | Conduct During the Holiday SeasonRunning aluminum foil through a paper shredder at Kinko's to make tinsel is discouraged.
Playing Jingle Bells on a neighbor's push-button phone during a party is forbidden (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)
Chores and charitable requests are not to be filed under "Bah, Humbug."
Rental cars are not to be used to go "over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house."
Endlessly singing "Frosty, the Snowman" under your breath at the mall will result in "no presents" this year.
All fruitcake is to be eaten before July 25, 2001.
Laced Eggnog will not be secreted in Pepsi cans.
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| Posted by Kellen C. Dunbar on 13-Aug-2005 | The Costume PartyA couple was going to a costume party.
The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.
"Where is your costume?", the husband asked.
"This is it", replied his wife.
"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the husband.
"Why, I am going as Puss and Boots" explains the wife. "Now hurry and get your costume on."
The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis.
"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.
"I am a fire alarm" he replied.
"A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.
"Yes" he replied. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come."
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| Posted by Jason C. Johnson on 14-Aug-2005 | Christmas ParrotOne day, shortly before Christmas, a man was shopping for a gift for his children, and went into a pet store. The owner showed the man the usual array of pets, puppies, kittens, hamsters, etc., but the man said he was looking for something a little more unique.
The owner said, "I might have what you are looking for!", and took the man into the back room, where a bedraggled looking parrot sat on a perch. "This is Chet. He is a perfect Christmas pet, because he sings Christmas songs."
The owner took a Bic lighter out of his pocket, lit it, and held it under Chet's right wing just far enough away to keep from singing the parrot's feathers. Immediately Chet began to sing, "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way."
Then the owner held the lighter under Chet's left wing, and the squawky sound of "Silent night. Holy night" poured out of Chet's beak. The man bought the parrot on the spot, and took him home.
His children were gone when he got home, so he decided to check out Chet' talent for himself, just to make sure he hadn't been tricked. He lit a match, held it under Chet's right wing, and sure enough the bird began singing "Jingle bells.", just like before. Moving the match under Chet's left wing produced the same results as in the pet store. "Silent Night."
Being of a curious nature, the man decided to hold the match between Chet's legs to see what would happen. Immediately the parrot began to sing, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire.
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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 15 Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed Movies |
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| Posted by Sarah Clayton on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed Movies15> To Kill A Walking Bird
14> My Best Friend's Dressing
13> Thighs Wide Shut
12> The Texas Coleslaw Massacre
11> Casserolablanca
10> The Fabulous Baster Boys
9> 12 Hungry Men
8> Silence of the Yams
7> For Love of The Game Hen
6> I Know What You Ate Last Winter
5> All the President's Menu
4> White Meat Can't Jump
3> When Harry Met Salad
2> The Story of U.S.
1> The Wing and I
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Benjin on 13-Aug-2005 | I think Santa Claus is a WomanI hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they with amazing calm call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle. Other reasons why Santa can't possible be a man: - Men can't pack a bag
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly"
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men..... Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But no St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song", it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is... I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
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