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| Posted by Laura L. Fretz on 14-Aug-2005 | The Hotel/Soap StoryAttached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a
London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved
submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six
unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another
three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her
day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you
requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top
of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This
leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you
had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am
going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own
bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the
shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please
remove them.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are
instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way
on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the
Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3
complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet
for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in
last Monday. Please, let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.
I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my
apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints
please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension
1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I
only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was
a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in
my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars
of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room
and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call
extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room
including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call
the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I
cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids
are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The
situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for
the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night
and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay.
I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars
of soap in here. All I want is my bath-size Dial. Please give me back my
bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I
personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the
3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything
about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not
know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3
daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues
bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in
your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than
4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not
in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more
item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping
in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
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| Posted by joke magus on 09-Aug-2005 | Parking ticketA driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:
"I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:
"I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation."
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| Posted by Brenda Willing on 09-Aug-2005 | Friday 13thA fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 120 kph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
'There's no way they can catch a Mercedes,' he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 130, 140, 150, 160... before the reality of the situation hit him.
'What the hell am I doing?' he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
'It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go.'
The guy thinks for a second and says.
'Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.'
'Have a nice weekend.' said the officer.
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| Posted by Christopher L. Eloy on 14-Aug-2005 | Hotel BillA husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a
nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four
hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four
hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is
the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that
the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference
center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them." the man complains. "Well, they are
here, and you could have." explains the manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows
for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New
York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here." the manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows." complains the man
again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have." the manager replies.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies,
"But we didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager.
The mnager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir,"
he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping
with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the mnager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
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| Posted by Oliver P. Burton on 14-Aug-2005 | VomitA little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking
guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls
asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid
to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He
knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting
there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable
wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it
in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and
sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
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| Posted by Ashley Barth on 14-Aug-2005 | TeamworkThe loaded mini-van pulled in to the only remaining campsite.
Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly
unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to
gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the
camp stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir,
is some display of teamwork."
The father replied, "I have a system. No one goes to the
bathroom until the camp is set up."
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