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| Posted by Rosanna h. Young on 09-Aug-2005 | The Lone RangerA teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her Grade Two class because she realizes Little Johnny's habit of using sexual innuendo is going to cause some trouble.
Johnny remains attentive throughout the whole class and, finally, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, 'I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.'
`Very good, William,' said the teacher.
'My mummy had a baby,' said little Esther.
'Oh, that's nice,' replied the teacher.
Finally, Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. 'I was watching TV yesterday and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.'
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, 'And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?'
'It'll teach those Indians not to f*** with the Lone Ranger.'
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| Posted by Kabez Blesing on 09-Aug-2005 | Dirty mind!The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"
Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"
So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye." "That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"
And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Jay Knite on 08-Aug-2005 | Turn to stoneLittle Johnny and his friend Little George walk in the woods and see a naked girl. Little George says, "Don't look at the naked girl because my dad said that if you look at naked girls, you will turn into stone. Little Johnny said, "Too late. I'm already getting hard."
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| Posted by korn_kid on 08-Aug-2005 | Red wagonLittle Jane was sitting in her red wagon with her dad's fireman hat on, and her father walked by and said man that sure is a fine fire engine you have there.. all you need is a hose, a siren and a motor, and it would be perfect.
The next day her father walks by her again and now she has her hose strapped to the side, a dog tied to the front, and a cat tied to the back.
He says, "Wow! That really looks like a fire engine now, but I think you were also suppose to tie the cat in the front and she says "Then how would I have a siren?"
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| Posted by alison robichaux on 09-Aug-2005 | Playing trainsA mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying,
'All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop. And all you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your arses in the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks.'
The horrified mother went in and told her son,
'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.'
She hears the little boy continue
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added,
'For those of you who are pissed off about the two-hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.'
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| Posted by Nick J. M on 08-Aug-2005 | truckIt was time for the sex talk to their kids, Little Johnny and Little Jane.
Each parent took a kid
THE mother told Little Jane that her private spot was a garage and no boy should stick their truck in it
The father took Little Johnny aside and told his piece was a truck and should be parked in a garage when he is old enough
After their respective talks, both kids went outside to play.
Little Johnny comes running and screaming and locked himself in the bathroom.
Jane comes in with blood all over her mouth. Her mom asked, "What on earth happened?!"
Jane said "Well, Johnny tried to park his truck in my garage so i bit off his back tires..."
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| Posted by laken thompson on 09-Aug-2005 | Winnie the pooThe kindergarten kids had graduated to the infant class. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten.
She told them to use grown-up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana.
The teacher said, 'No, no, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown-up word.'
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, 'No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown-up word.'
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and, in a very adult way, replied, 'Winnie the Shit.'
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| Posted by Kel on 09-Aug-2005 | Xmas timeLittle Jonny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said,
'Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Luke what he wants Santa to bring him. If He cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gifts or gifts he requests.'
Two days before Christmas, Luke's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
'I want a damn teddy bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.'
On Christmas morning, little Luke woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage.
When Luke walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, 'What did Santa bring you this year?'
Luke replied, 'I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!'
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| Posted by Sam Malone on 09-Aug-2005 | Turned to stoneThree boys are playing outside just after dark, when one of them noticed a light on in a window.
Billy says to Johnnie and Joey: "Let's take a peek!" They look in the window and see a pretty woman undressing. Suddenly, Johnnie runs away and the other boys can't find him.
The next day, Billy and Joey see Johnnie and ask: "Why'd you run away, you some kind of faggot or something?"
Johnnie replies: "No...My mother told me that if I ever do anything naughty, say anything naughty or even LOOK at anything naughty, God would turn me into stone. Well, when I looked in that window I started to get hard, so I ran away!"
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| Posted by sly guy on 09-Aug-2005 | Letters to GodACTUAL 'DEAR GOD' LETTERS (Letters to God from children)
Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma
Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones you have now? Jane
Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan
Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? Neil
Dear God, Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce
Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)
Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce
Dear God, If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her. Denise
Dear God, I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. Sam
Dear God, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth
Dear God, I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying. Elliott
Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it. Nan
Dear God, Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best. Rob
Dear God, My brother told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right.
Dear God, If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes. Mickey
Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. Sincerely, Donna
Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already. Charles
Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! Eugene
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. Larry
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| Posted by jacob m on 09-Aug-2005 | Cheerios!6 year old Marilyn and 4 year old Little Johnny were upstairs playing in their play room. Marilyn said "I think it's about time we start swearing. Don't you?"
Little Johnny nodded in agreement.
Marilyn said "Ok, I say 'ass' and you say 'hell.'"
Little Johnny again nodded his head in agreement and they went downstairs for breakfast. Their mom asked Marilyn what she wants to eat.
Marilyn replied "Well hell mom, I'll have some Cheerios."
Her mom spanked her and sent her to her room. She then asked Little Johnny what he wanted for breakfast.
Little Johnny said "I don't know, but you bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
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| Posted by Heather R. Winter on 09-Aug-2005 | School dinners"Any complaints?" asked the teacher during school dinner.
"Yes sir," said one bold lad, "these peas are awfully hard, sir."
The master dipped a spoon into the peas on the boy's plate and tasted them.
"They seem soft enough to me," he declared.
"Yes, they are now, I've been chewing them for the last half-hour."
Submitted by Frodo
Submitted by calamjo and Curtis
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| Posted by pyro_chaos78102 on 09-Aug-2005 | Private schoolA pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school.
On day one the whole family are there to see the boy begin his first day.
The grocer, his family in tow, saunter into the principals office and introduces himself.
"I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates."
"Oh, does he?" asks the bemused principal. "We will soon get him out of that habit."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Nickie M. Necsefr on 12-Aug-2005 | Buckwheat and DarlaBuckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla "How do you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla says "d-u-m-b, dumb".
The teacher says, "very good, now use it in a sentence."
She says "Buckwheat is dumb"
Now spell "stupid". Darla says "s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid".
The teacher says,"very good, now use it in a sentence."
Darla says "Buckwheat is stupid."
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says "Buckwheat, spell dictate."
Buckwheat stands and says "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate".
The teacher says, "very good, now use it in a sentence."
"I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"
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| Posted by Satin C on 12-Aug-2005 | She Wants What He HasEvery day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girls house. One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!" The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football.
The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah". The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"
Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his most private of parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"
The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?" So she pulls up her dress and says...
"My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"
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| Posted by Wicked Jeff on 14-Aug-2005 | Little Johnny on EtiquetteDuring a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says
to her students "If you were courting a well educated young
girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to
go to the toilet, what would you say to her? "
Mike replies : Wait a minute, I need to take a leak.
The teacher says : That would be very rude and improper on
your part.
Charlie replied : I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll
be back in a minute.
The teacher says : That's much better but to mention the word
"toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant.
And Johnnie says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I
have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope,
to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "
The teacher passed out.
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| Posted by Marvin Tapessur on 09-Aug-2005 | Whats a periodThe kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
Eventually little Johnny's turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, waited a short time and make a second small white dot next to the first.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.
'It's a period,' reported Johnny.
'Yes, I can understand that,' she said, 'but what is so exciting about a period?'
'Damned if I know,' said Johnny, 'but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.'
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| Posted by stephan o. brion on 09-Aug-2005 | Uncle CharlieA teacher was giving class lessons in morals and asked for examples.
Little Mary stood up and said,
'My father is a chicken farmer and when we collect the eggs each morning, we take more than one basket, so you don't put all your eggs in one basket.'
'Very good, Mary,' said the teacher. 'Any more morals?'
Little Johnny stands up.
'During the war,' he says, 'my Uncle Charlie was alone in a fox-hole with a rifle and a bottle of whisky.'
'A whole German battalion was approaching him, so he had a big gulp of the whisky and fired all his bullets at the Germans, killing at least 100. He fell back into the fox-hole, took another large swig of whisky and ran out and used his bayonet and rifle butt to kill all the Germans left.'
'That's very brave of your uncle,' said the teacher, 'but where's the moral to the story?'
'Well.' said Johnny, 'You don't f*** around with Uncle Charlie when he's been on the piss.'
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| Posted by Big Huka on 08-Aug-2005 | The Little LeprechanLitle Johnny was going to the bathroom at school. When he went to wipe his butt there was no toilet paper. So he wiped his butt with his hand and figured he could just wash his hands off. But the water wouldn't run and there was no paper towels. So he held his hand in a fist and walked back to the classroom. Then the teacher asked, "Johnny, what's in your hand?"
"A little leprechan and if I open my hand he'll get away."
"Johnny," the teacher said, "if you don't tell me what's in your hand you are going to be sent to the principal's office!"
Too embarrassed to open his hand, Jimmy elected to get sent to the princapal's office instead. The principal asked, "Johnny, what's in your hand?"
"A little leprechan and if I open my hand he'll get away."
"Johnny, if you don't tell me what's in your hand right now you will get sent home," said the principal.
So he got sent home and his dad asked, "Johnny, what's in your hand?"
"A little leprechan and if I open my hand he will get away"
"Johnny, either you tell me right now what's in your hand or I'll beat you and your imaginary leprechan..."
Little Johnny finally opened his hand and said, "Look dad... you scared the poop out of him!"
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| Posted by Cornelius on 12-Aug-2005 | Bad boyOne day there was a boy at school and his teacher told him to get 4 spelling words.
1st he went to his Brother and asked "Could you give me a spelling word?" His Brother answered "ShutUp" So he wrote down Shutup.
2nd he went to his Mother and asked her. She answered "Certainly" He wrote down certinly.
3rd he wen to his Dad and asked for somthing sweet. His dad answered Lolipop so he wrote down Lolipop.
4th he went to his little brother and asked the question. He answered "In my Little Blue Car"
The next day he went to school and his teacher asked for the words. He said his 1st word Shutup. Then she asked "Do you want to go to the principles office?" He said is second word "Certainly". In the principals office the principal asked what do you think you deserve, the boy answered "Lolipop!!" Then the principal asked "What do you think your punishment should be?" The boy answered "To go in my Little Blue Car!!!!"
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| Posted by Jaz on 09-Aug-2005 | Sex Ed.Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board.
"Does anyone know what this is?" She asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!"
"Two of them?!" the teacher asked.
"Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!"
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| Posted by Danny Landau on 10-Aug-2005 | ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZThere was a little boy who wanted to know the alphabet. He went to his teacher
and said "Teacher, teach me the alphabet, but make it quick 'cause I have to go
to the bathroom. "Okay," she said. "Recite the alphabet, please." (read this
part carefully) "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ," "where's the "P" asks the teacher.
"running down my leg," answers the boy.
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| Posted by Embee on 12-Aug-2005 | nock nock...nock nock
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| Posted by Mike T. Bokinskie on 09-Aug-2005 | Crowded airlinerAs the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force Wing General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken general leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the general slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
'Excuse me, General,' she asks quietly, 'but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?'
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides,
'I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose.'
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| Posted by Magic Mike on 09-Aug-2005 | Election explination(Every year, teacher Mike Wilson of Ballwin, Missouri has his elementary-school students study the presidential election process in America. From the resulting essays and exam papers, Wilson has culled some gems of youthful insight and wisdom, not to mention skepticism worth of a politics-weary adult. As the 1984 presidential election grows near, we offer some of Wilson's treasures.)
Did you ever think what I used to think about candidates running neck-and-neck? Well it is not true.
Universal suffrage means that even the illegible get to vote.
Calling a person a runner-up is the polite way of saying you lost.
The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the son of his father but a president is not.
What I learned about elections is that we aren't really getting to elect the president. It is some people in a college who get to. I have not decided what to do about it yet but I am not going to just sit around.
It is possible to get the majority of electoral votes without getting the majority of popular votes. Anyone who can ever understand how this works gets to be president.
Some of our presidents never did much else and are famous only because they became president.
The more I think about trying to run for president the less I think of it.
The president has the power to appoint and disappoint the members of his cabinet.
Much has been said about balancing the budget. It has been found that the budget is more talkable than balanceable.
The campaign is when the candidate tells what he stand for and the election is when the votes tell if they can stand for his being elected.
Actually, elections are different from politics. Elections come and go while politics are with us all the time.
The winning candidate is elected and inoculated.
In January, the president makes his Inaugural Address after he has been sworn at.
Once he is elected, sometimes the president has to work 24 hours a day until he finds out what he is supposed to do.
The nominees are usually called candidates or campaigners although I have heard them called other things.
One of the strictest rules is all dark horses running for president must be people.
Popular votes tell who is the most popular. Electoral votes tell who is the most elected.
Heredity is a bad thing in politics because it gets us kings instead of presidents.
A caucus is something people vote in. Sort of a small booth.
An overwhelming favorite is a candidate that often comes over to the convention and whelms the delegates.
The jobs of delegates is to resent their states.
Noncommittal is to be able to talk and talk without saying anything.
When the radio mentions a landslide, cross your fingers and hope it is talking about an election.
A dark horse is a candidate that the delegates don't know enough about to dislike yet.
Political science is to try to figure out what makes candidates act that way.
A split ticket is when you don't like any of them on the ticket so you tear it up.
When they talk about the most promising presidential candidate, they mean the one who can think of the most things to promise.
Elephants and donkeys never fought until politics came along.
Political strategy is when you don't let people know you have run out of ideas and keep shouting anyway.
A candidate should always renounce his words carefully.
We are learning how to make our election results known quicker and quicker. It is our campaigns we are having trouble getting any shorter.
One of the mainest rules of campaigning is you are not allowed to go on a whistle-stop tour without a train.
Politician is the bawling out name for a candidate you don't like.
Speaking of defeat, candidates are told never to.
Campaigns give us a great deal of happiness by their finally ending.
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| Posted by Laura Seeley on 09-Aug-2005 | My Turn NowA woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram. He sees the baby and suddenly the baby says, "Are you my daddy?"
The doctor is shocked and goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram. The baby says again, "Are you my daddy?" The doctor says, "No, I'm not your father."
They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked, "Are you my daddy?" And the father says, "Yes, I am!"
So, the baby pops out of the mother's womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head while saying, "How do you like that?! How do you like that?!
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| Posted by will on 10-Aug-2005 | Big HeadJohnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the
school say I have a big head."
His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head.
The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
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| Posted by Ben Cas on 12-Aug-2005 | The bus driverthere was a kid on a buss and he sayed if my mom was a mommy giraph and my dad was a daddy giraph then i would be a babby giraph. and he sayed this over and over and then the buss dirver says what if you mom was a prostitute and you dad was gay. And the kid replied i\'d be a buss driver
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| Posted by Joe Skager on 12-Aug-2005 | The day wizard!!!!!wat happened to the gay wizard?
he went off with a puff
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| Posted by Rick J. Stoner on 13-Aug-2005 | Can you guess this???
Q. What is green and jumps??
A. a cabage on a trampalene
this is so funny. hahahahaha
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