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():other funny jokes (4827): The Mammogram Poem

Posted by Chapane on 09-Aug-2005

The Mammogram Poem

For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them. And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care, My gyno, Dr. Pruitt, Said I should get a Mammogram.

"O.K," I said, "let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said, (She got my boob in line,) "And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal, I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate came slamming down, My hooter's in a vice!

My skin was stretched and mangled, From underneath my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt, Within it's vice-like grip. A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me, Who does she think she's kidding?!? My chest is mashed in her machine, And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say, (The room was slowly swaying.) "Now, let's have a go at the other one."

Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down, It squeezed me from both sides. I'll bet SHE'S never had this done, To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this, I will request a blindfold. I have no wish to see again, My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. If there had been a cyst in there, It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man, Of this, I have no doubt. I'd like to stick his balls in there, And see how THEY come out.

1 people have rated this joke:

():other funny jokes (4827): SCUBA Accident

Posted by Skye K. German on 09-Aug-2005

SCUBA Accident

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."


1 people have rated this joke:

():other funny jokes (4827): Airplane Flasher

Posted by brandon issler on 09-Aug-2005

Airplane Flasher

An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta.

As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached down toward Joe for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself.

"I'm sorry sir" she said politely, "but you have to show your ticket, not your stub."


2 people have rated this joke:

():other funny jokes (4827): Reflections on Life

Posted by afman on 09-Aug-2005

Reflections on Life

Life's Reflections

1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

2. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

3. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

4. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

5. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

6. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

7. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

1 people have rated this joke:

():other funny jokes (4827): Squirrels

Posted by Mathman2 on 09-Aug-2005
A little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel were chattering and playing around when up comes a fox.

The girl squirrel dashed up a tree, but the boy squirrel stayed on the ground.

"That's strange," said the fox.
"Usually squirrels are afraid of me and run to the nearest tree."

"Listen, bud," replied the boy squirrel. "Did you ever try to climb a tree when you were in the process of making love?"


1 people have rated this joke:

():other funny jokes (4827): Screwdriver?

Posted by matthew o. travitz on 09-Aug-2005
A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire.

He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap.

After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, 'You wanna screwdriver?'

He says, 'We might as well. I can't get this fucking hubcap off'


1 people have rated this joke:

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