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| Posted by Chapane on 09-Aug-2005 | The Mammogram PoemFor years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them. And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care, My gyno, Dr. Pruitt, Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said, (She got my boob in line,) "And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal, I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate came slamming down, My hooter's in a vice!
My skin was stretched and mangled, From underneath my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt, Within it's vice-like grip. A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me, Who does she think she's kidding?!? My chest is mashed in her machine, And woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good," I heard her say, (The room was slowly swaying.) "Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down, It squeezed me from both sides. I'll bet SHE'S never had this done, To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this, I will request a blindfold. I have no wish to see again, My knockers getting steamrolled.
If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. If there had been a cyst in there, It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man, Of this, I have no doubt. I'd like to stick his balls in there, And see how THEY come out.
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| Posted by Chris D. Rodgers on 09-Aug-2005 | Golfing PartnersA man and wife were playing in their golf club's annual "Guys and Dolls" tournament. The man was not happy about having to play, but his wife had insisted.
On the 12th tee, his patience had reached its limit. While his wife wasted time on the ladies tee, he decided to go ahead and hit his drive from the men's. Unfortunately, he misjudged his shot and his ball hit his wife in the back of the head, killing her instantly.
At the hospital the doctor came to talk to the husband.
"Mr. Davies, we found a golf ball lodged 3 inches into your wife's brain, which was the cause of death. But, we have found something else that really puzzles us."
"What is it?"
asked Mr. Davies.
"Well," said the doctor, "We also found a golf ball lodged 6 inches into her anal cavity."
The husband dismissed the doctor with a wave of his hand "Oh, that was just my Mulligan!"
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| Posted by Shania on 09-Aug-2005 | Guess Who?A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies.
So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"
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| Posted by Arjun Landes on 09-Aug-2005 | Luggage DestinationsA student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. And as she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."
The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that."
"Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because,... That's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"
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| Posted by Halley Ann on 09-Aug-2005 | Wife's HabitI overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."
"What is she doing?"
, the pal asks.
"Waiting for me to get home."
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| Posted by Jennifer N. Belluche on 09-Aug-2005 | Old BessieA man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had happened.
A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man.
After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like a bad carburettor to me."
Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again.
Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer.
"Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?"
he asked.
The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yep, that's old Bessie."
The man then said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like a bad carburettor to me.'"
The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Bessie, son. She don't know a thing about cars."
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