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| Posted by Rostik Kuskovsky on 14-Aug-2005 | the man who broke down in his vana man is driving along the highway in his van when he suddenly
hears a
"tttttttttssssss!" sound.
He pulls over and gets out of his van to see what the sound
was,he sees his tyre is flat so he gets the jack and starts
cranking up the wheel when a man comes from nowhere and smashes
his window and steals his radio.
The man with the burst tyre says"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU
ARE DOING?"
The other man replys "well if your having the tyres i'm having
the radio"
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| Posted by Dr Drew on 14-Aug-2005 | A Bloned HikeOne day a red head, a burgandy, and a blonde went for a hike.
When they were already to start hiking the burgandy said "Did
you gals bring anything because I brought food incase we get
hungry?" Then the red head said "I brought water in case we get
thristy!" Then the blonde said " Well I brought a door from a
car. If we get hot we can roll down the windows!"
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| Posted by Matt A. Rogers on 14-Aug-2005 | 3 In a TrainThere was a man, woman and gay in a train and the train went
into a tunnel. As it is an old fashioned train, there were no
lights so it went pitch black. Then there was a kissing sound
and a slapping sound. When the lights came back on, the man and
woman were sitting like nothing had happened and the gay was
rubbing his cheek like he had been slapped. The gay thought that
the man kissed the woman and the woman slapped him but missed
and hit him. The woman thought the gay tried to kiss the man so
the man slapped the gay and the man thought, "This is great!
Next time we go under a tunnel, I'll make another kissing sound
and slap the gay!"
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| Posted by Dan Smee on 14-Aug-2005 | hellA man goes to hell and is very upset and is crying.
The devil approaches him and says that hell is not such a bad
place
" Hell's ok" And the devil says "When you were alive did you
like women?"
The man replies "Loved them, they are great!"
"Well, you are going to love Monday's, you can have any women
and as many as you like" says the devil.
"What about drinking, alchol?" says the devil.
"Well, I had my own home brew and drinking was my hobby" says
the man.
"Tuesday, all the alchol you can have and of any sort" says the
devil.
"Now what about drugs?" says the devil.
"I dabbled in drugs at college." says the man.
"Wednesday all the drugs you want." says the devil.
"Now what about men? Did you, you know, like men?" says the
devil.
"Absolutely not, no way!" says the man.
"Well your going to hate Thursday then!" says the devil.
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| Posted by Justin Hiracheta on 14-Aug-2005 | Tramp's CarThere was a poor man who lived on the street, and one day he won
10 million pounds on the lottery. The first thing he did was to
go and buy a Rolls-Royce. Feeling happy, he was driving down the
motorway in his new car when a police car drove past.
The policeman looked at the car, then looked at the driver.
Since the car was the first thing the tramp had bought, and he
hadn't yet got around to buying some smart clothes, he still
looked like a tramp. The policeman noticed this and pulled him
over onto the hard shoulder.
"You don't look like the sort of person who could afford such a
great car," said the policeman. "I have a strong suspicion that
you stole it."
"No," replied the tramp, "it's my car."
"Get out of the car," said the policeman. The tramp obliged. The
policeman took a piece of chalk out of his pocket and drew a
circle on the road, a few metres from the car.
"Right, I want you to stand in that chalk circle and don't move
from there. I want you to admit that this isn't your car."
"Officer, It IS my own car."
"If you don't admit to having stolen it, I'm going to scratch
the paintwork."
The tramp didn't say anything, so the policeman turned around,
took his keys out of his pocket and proceeded to gauge deep
scratches in the paintwork all around the car. He looked at the
tramp. "What do you think of THAT then!"
The policeman was puzzled to see that the tramp had a big grin
on his face. "If you admit that you stole this car then you
won't spend as much time in prison. If you don't admit it, then
I'll slash the tyres."
The tramp said nothing so the policeman took out a knife and
slashed all four tyres. When he looked back at the tramp he saw
that he was giggling--most odd.
"Right," said the policeman, quite angry now. "I'll give you one
last chance. YOU STOLE THE CAR DIDN'T YOU! If you don't admit it
I'm going to trash the Rolls-Royce."
"No officer, it's my car."
Furious, the policeman opened the boot and took out a can of
petrol. He poured petrol all over the seats, took out a match
and threw it into the window. The car went up in flames. The
policeman turned back to find the tramp doubled over in laughter.
"Okay, now I KNOW that it's not you car. If it was your car you
wouldn't be laughing like this, after I've just destroyed it."
"I maintain that it's my own car, officer," said the tramp
between giggles. "I just won the lottery and I decided to treat
myself."
"But why the hell are you laughing though???"
"Because," said the tramp, hardly able to get the words out
between gasps of laughter, "every time you turned around, I
jumped out of the circle!"
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| Posted by Richard R. Dooley on 14-Aug-2005 | I am NEVER flying again!10.) "We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding will start
at twenty dollars."
9.) "I'm sorry madam, but we cannot allow you to bring your cat
on board. We don't yet know the effects of high radiation on our
feline friends. And we are required to check your bags."
8.) "Yes sir, we are aware of the biohazard tag on your luggage
and no, you don't want to know it's origin. I recommend you
refrain from opening your suitcase."
7.) "Yes sir, importing Cuban cigars is illegal, that is why the
security officer had to confiscate them. What? He's smoking
them? HEY! YOU RAT! SAVE SOME FOR ME!"
6.) "I'm sorry madam, but our insurance policy does not cover
punctures in your bags caused by our checking attendants. No it
also does not cover airline crashes. It does cover explosions
prior to takeoff, however, and is our most commonly purchased
package."
5.) "Attention all airline passengers, your flight has been
delayed."
4.) "Due to fog at O'Hare we would like to ask all terrorists to
refrain from detonating their bombs until the second half of our
flight at which point we will light up the detonation light.
This is to allow us sufficient time to crash into the ground as
scheduled."
3.) "Madam, please take your entree NOW, the tongs are melting."
2.) "We apologize for the delay. Due to extenuating
circumstances our pilot is experiencing difficulties with his
sobriety level, please allow sufficient time for him to have
additional shots of tequila."
1.) "This is your captain speaking, on the left you can now
observe the majestic Mount Kilamanjar ... oh, SHIT!" I am
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