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():funny quotes (263): The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has
to do is get up every mo |
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| Posted by Samantha N. Czerepka on 09-Aug-2005 | The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has
to do is get up every moWill Rogers
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| Posted by lisa g on 13-Aug-2005 | the Imortal GrouchoQuotes From Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
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Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
I never forget a face,
but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A child of five could understand this.
Fetch me a child of five.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was
convulsed with laughter.
Someday I intend reading it.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Those are my principles.
If you don't like them I have others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that
fool you.
He really is an idiot.
Ice Water?
Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy,
and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
Why should I care about posterity?
What's posterity ever done for me?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.
How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
I must say that I find television very educational.
The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening,
but this wasn't it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as
members.
It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour;
which is probably more than she ever did.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
After his introduction on a music/variety show, Groucho and the host
both sat down at center stage.
Host: 'I'm a big fan of yours, Groucho.'
Groucho: 'If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan.'
Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
Time wounds all heels.
Why was I with her?
She reminds me of you.
In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Behind every successful man is a woman,
behind her is his wife.
As soon as I get through with you,
you'll have a clear case for divorce
and so will my wife.
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!
And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew
them like apple-sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb
does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
I married your mother because I wanted children,
imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Whatever it is,... I'm against it.
A woman is an occasional pleasure
but a cigar is always a smoke.
If I told you that you had a beautiful body,
would you hold it against me?
Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
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| Posted by Frank J. James on 13-Aug-2005 | Silly Quotes'Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it.'
'Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry.'
'Being politically correct means always having to say you're sorry.'
'Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble Cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars.' (Gravestone Inscription)
'On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten.'
'Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the show?'
'Trust in God, but lock your car.'
'Given a conflict, Murphy's law supercedes Newton's.'
'If you aren't part of the solution, you're a precipitate.'
'To err is human. And stupid.'
'A king's castle is his home.'
'Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your VISA.'
'Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time.'
'Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it.'
'If you can't dazzle them with dexterity, feed them a crock!'
'Some drink at the fountain of knowledge...others just gargle.'
'High explosives are applicable where truth and logic fail.'
'You're never too old to learn something stupid.'
'All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.'
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| Posted by Erhan Eryurt on 13-Aug-2005 | Words of the WiseWORDS OF THE WISE
1. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones
2. Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. - Woody Allen
3. Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they ticked me off.
4. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
5. All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. - Jane Wagner
8. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. - Richard Harkness, The NewYork Times, 1960
9. Women's creed: Men are like linoleum. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for 20 years. - unknown NOW member
10. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown
12. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. - Douglas Adams
14. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. - Ashleigh Brilliant
23. 'Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates, what is the meaning of life?' or 'Socrates, how can I find happiness?', but did anyone ever say 'Socrates, hemlock is poison.'???' - Socrates minutes before death.
25. Definition of Stress: The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's desire to beat or choke the living crap out of some jerk who desperately needs it.
26. Television is called a medium. This is because it is neither rare nor well done.
27. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
30. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
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