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| Posted by Cam Jones on 14-Aug-2005 | The MiceThree mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they
were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps
for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on
me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with
that, he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take
those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for
the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away. The first
two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and
ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and
replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."
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| Posted by Gabi A. Mottola on 14-Aug-2005 | Washing Your CatSome people have the misconception that cats never have to be
bathed, that somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Contrary to
this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their
saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).
Cats, like their nemesis, the dog, do get dirty and have a
variety of odors, from smelling like the outhouse where you
camped last year to the same odor as your dog's breath.
(Remember, your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know
that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative
to ease this process of a bath is out of the question.
So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now,
this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a
trail of Kibbles and Bits.
Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and
total lack of concern for you, you have the advantage of size,
strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.
1. First, dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is
suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.
2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with
a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about
3.5 seconds.
3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area
before hand. No, blow drying the cat after the bath is not
suggested.
4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you
still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in
the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or
prone in the tub.
5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up,
nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the
supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your
strange attire, the cat barely notices you anyway.
6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom, speed is
essential. In one single liquid motion, shut the door to the
bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and
drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state
of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of
him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45
seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add
the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn
off and he's madder than a wet hornet.
7. As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his
body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If
possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now
fully exposed.
8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub
vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slide down the
glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water,
rinsing himself in the process.
9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The
cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and
will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.
10. Next, the cat must be dried. No, this is NOT the easiest
part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just
become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest
here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat, reach
for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.
11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your
leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this
view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better
position for wrapping the towel around him.
12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub
enclosure. Open bathroom door, put towel wrapped cat on floor
and step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open
enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.
13. In about 2 hours, it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your
cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small
hedgehog while plotting revenge.
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| Posted by Smart Fool on 14-Aug-2005 | A Cat's DiaryDAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry
cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of
furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top
of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite
chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep
depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body,
in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to
strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about
what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it
included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick
minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece
of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.
I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could
hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call
"beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was
due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how
to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the
other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful
tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current
placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
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| Posted by Christian t. Rios on 14-Aug-2005 | Kitty AccidentCalling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because
the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in
the next day. By then, I could think up a dozy to explain the
bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's
wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new
acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my
shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me
from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset
it."
"You know where the button is." I protested through the shower
(pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded "What if it starts going and sucks me
in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping to make a
statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without
consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to
find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances.
Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing
metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the
dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised
around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the
sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt
at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to
their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to
control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves
compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a
violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly
stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and
rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner. Wild animals are
sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this
predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when
it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek
great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and
cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out
cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having
been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they
tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical
laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of
me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's
the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.
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| Posted by Magic Mike on 14-Aug-2005 | Hungry MonkeyA guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink
and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around all over the
place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,
then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps on the
pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and
swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey
just did?"
The guy says, "No what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" Says the
bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats
everything in sight. I will pay for the cue ball and stuff." He
finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey
with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around
the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey
finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up
his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did
now?" He asks.
"Now what?" Responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it
out and ate it!" says the barkeep.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still
eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that blasted cue
ball he measures everything first!"
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| Posted by Arty S. Choco on 14-Aug-2005 | Rude ParrotDavid received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was
fully-grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every
other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were,
to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was
constantly saying polite words and playing soft music; he tried
everything he knew. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird,
the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder
and ruder.
Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the
freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking
and screaming horrible expletives. Then, suddenly, there was
quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the
bird and opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and
said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language
and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to
correct my behavior." David was astounded at the bird's change
of attitude and was about to ask what had changed him . . . when
the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
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