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| Posted by Vince Carter!!! on 14-Aug-2005 | The Night Before ChristmasTwas the night before Christmas, and less I could care,
Just playing with Pepi and getting nowhere,
My hair stood on end, my feet hit the mat,
one hell of a racket, my god! what was that!
Shingles from the roof came tumbling down,
and as I looked out they were all on the ground,
I made a dive for the parlour my pants in my hands,
How much of this bullshit can one person stand,
Just as I thought twas our jolly old friend,
down the chimney he came, ass over end,
That's who it was I could tell by his dress,
All covered with deer shit, a hell of a mess,
He came limping out in a pile of soot,
bitching cause Prancer had stepped on his foot,
By his grunts and his groans his heaves and his sighs,
I knew right away he was pissed to the eyes,
He upset the tree fell over a chair,
and did nothing but bitch all the time he was there,
"All these damn kids will drive me berserk,
you have all the fun, I have all the work,"
His junk was all broken and spread on the floor,
and I saw when he turned that his britches were tore,
Exposed to the cold his ass was all blue,
he screamed, " I'll be glad when this damn night is through"
He dug and he scratched, the seven years itch,
He gave it to me the son of a bitch,
I guess all his capers finally went to my head,
I grabbed the old bastard and must have seen red,
I kicked his fat ass right out of the room,
If he ever comes back it'll still be too soon,
I heard him exclaim 'ere he drew out of site,
"Piss on you all, what a hell of a night."
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| Posted by Sarah Magruder on 09-Aug-2005 | Season's Greetings...
Season's Greetings
Money's Short
Times are Hard
Here's your Fucking
Christmas Card
Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
everyone felt shitty
even the mouse
mom at the whorehouse
and dad smoking grass
I'd just settled down
for a nice piece of ass
when out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
to see what's the matter
then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
it must be Saint Nick
He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
the old fucker fell
he filled all our stockings
with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer
he rose up the chimney
with a thuderous fart
the son of a bitch
blew the chimney apart
he swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight
piss on you all
and have a good night
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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10 people have rated this joke: |
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| Posted by Kristof P. Grina on 14-Aug-2005 | Bicycle Safety Violation TicketOn Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic
light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop
says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that
to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year
tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety
violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides
off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did
Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah,
he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put
the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
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():holiday jokes (333): Q. Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas... |
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| Posted by Gene Geller on 14-Aug-2005 | Christmas PartyHow To Tell If You're Throwing A Successful Christmas Party
- Festivity Level One -
Your guests are sitting around chatting, nibbling the party food, sipping
their drinks. They are admiring your Christmas tree ornaments and stand
around the piano singing carols.
- Festivity Level Two -
Your guests are talking loudly, occasionally to one another. They are
wolfing down the food, gulping their drinks, rearranging your Christmas
ornaments and sitting on the piano singing "I Gotta Be Me."
- Festivity Level Three -
Your guests are holding conversations with inanimate objects, gulping
other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas ornaments and dancing around
the piano shouting the words to "I Can't Get No Satisfaction."
- Festivity Level Four -
Your guests, food smeared across their naked bodies, are capering around
the burning Christmas tree in some unholy ritual. The piano is missing.
Unless you rent your home, or own heavy firearms, you generally don't want
your parties operating above Level Three. The true test of party success,
however, is whether or not the police arrive. If they do arrive, your job
as host is to see that they don't arrest anyone. If they are intent on
arresting someone, your job is to see that it isn't you. Following is an
example of how to successfully handle this situation:
Police: "We've come in response to the complaints."
You: "Complaints? It isn't about the drugs, is it?"
Police: "No, sir, not drugs."
You: "The guns, then? They're complaining about the guns?"
Police: "No, sir. It's about the noise."
You: "Oh that's all right then. 'Cause there sure aren't any guns or drugs
here, heh heh."
[An explosion sounds somewhere behind you]
You: "Or fireworks either! The neighbors complained, did they?"
Police: "No, sir. The neighbors all fled inland hours ago. The recent
complaints have come from Iowa."
[At this point a Volkswagen Bug, painted in various arcane symbols, roars
out of the living room, down the hall past you and the policemen, out into
the front yard and into the nearest tree. Eight naked bodies tumble out,
moaning.]
You: "There, you see? It's winding down already."
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():holiday jokes (333): Top 10 Christmas Phrases That Sound Dirty |
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| Posted by Roy Covington III on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 10 Christmas Phrases That Sound Dirty10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
8. Check out Rudolph's honker!
7. Santa's sack is really bulging.
6. Lift up your skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5. Did you get a piece of fruitcake?
4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
And the No. 1 Christmas phrase that sounds dirty but isn't:
1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
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