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():food jokes (113): The Obituary of the Pillsbury Doughboy |
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| Posted by chris Dawson on 11-Aug-2005 | The Obituary of the Pillsbury DoughboyIt is with the saddest heart i pass on the following:Please join me in remembering a great icon - the veteran Pillbury spokesman. The Pillsbury doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. butterworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess twinkies,
and Captain Crunch.
The gravesite was piled high with flours.As long-time friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on halfbaked schemes. Despite being being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millons.
Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart. Doughboyis surved by his wife, Play Dough; two chidren,
John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty.
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| Posted by sum messed up retard on 11-Aug-2005 | Problem SolvedA worried man goes to his doctor and explains, "Doc, there's something seriously wrong with my digestive system!" "If I eat carrots, when I go to the bathroom, out comes carrots! If I eat peas, I take a dump, out comes peas! I eat apples and I poop apples! I'm worried, Doc; What do you suggest?"
The doctor said calmly, "No problem, eat shit."
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| Posted by Silly One on 11-Aug-2005 | Life as an eggSo you think your life is bad.
Just think how bad the life of the egg is...
You only get laid once!
You only get eaten once!
It takes 4 minutes to get hard
2 minutes to get soft
You have to share a box with 11 other guys
And the only chick who ever sat on your face was your mother.
(Now don't you feel better)
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| Posted by Tim Smith on 11-Aug-2005 | The Birth of a Candy BarOne PAYDAY MR.GOODBAR wanted a BIT-O-HONEY so he took miss HERSHEY'S behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and 5thAVENUE. He began to feel her MOUNDS with his BUTTERFINGER. That was pure ALMOND JOY. It made her TOOTSIE ROLL and he let out a SNICKER as she screamed " OH HENRY" while squeezing his PETER PAUL and ZAGNUTS. Miss HERSHEY'S said: you are even better than the 3 MUSKATEERS. Soon she was a bit CHUNKY and nine months later had a BABY RUTH.
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| Posted by Cool Beans Girl on 11-Aug-2005 | Banana Loaf2 laughing eyes
2 bowing arms
2 well-shaped legs
2 firm milk containers
1 fur-lined mixing bowl
1 banana
Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs and slowly squeeze and massage milk containers gently until mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger. Add banana and gently work in and out until creamed. Cover with nuts and garnish with a sigh of relief. Bread is done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and do not lick the bowl.
WARNING: If bread rises, LEAVE TOWN !
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| Posted by Allison L. Benaderet on 11-Aug-2005 | BeansOne of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck dinner, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.
He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"
"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary."
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