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| Posted by imadumbass9889 on 08-Aug-2005 | The Panda BearA panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders.
The panda bear eats his lunch, and when he finishes, he gets up to leave. Suddenly, the panda bear pulls an AK-47 out of his fur, and shoots the bar to pieces. He then heads for the door.
The shocked bartender jumps out from behind the destroyed bar and yells, "Hey, what do you think you're doing? You ate lunch, shot up my bar, and now you're just going to leave?"
The panda bear answers calmlly, "I'm a panda bear." The bartender says, "Yeah, so?" The panda bear replies, "Look it up," and walks out the door.
The bartender jumps back behind the ruined bar and grabs his encyclopedia. He looks up "panda bear," and sure enough, there is a picture of the panda bear.
He reads the caption, which says, "Panda Bear--a cuddly, black and white creature. Eats shoots and leaves."
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| Posted by Brat Girl on 08-Aug-2005 | Stupid masterA gorilla was walking thru' a jungle when he came across a deer eating grasses in a clearing. The gorilla roared, 'Who's the king of the jungle?', and the deer replied, 'Oh, you are, Master.'
The gorilla walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. Again, he roared,'Who's the king of the jungle?', of course, the zebra replied, 'You are, master.'
The gorilla walked of pleased. Then he came across an elephant. 'Who's the king of the jungle?', he roared again, at the elephant. With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him.
The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said, 'Ok, ok, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the answer!'
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| Posted by Michael Gailling on 08-Aug-2005 | New dog breedDid you here about the new dog breed of dog?
It's a cross between a Pittbull and a Collie.
First it bites off your leg, and then it runs for help.
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| Posted by Robert L. Gianferante on 08-Aug-2005 | Duck shopperA duck walks in to a drug store and asks for a condom.
The sales person comes back with the condom and says "Put this on your bill sir" to which the duck replies "what do you think I'M a dickhead!"
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| Posted by Harrison Hill on 08-Aug-2005 | How to give your Cat a Pill.1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrive cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, dring glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retriev cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetnus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from
right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
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| Posted by .-'^JAMAN^'-. on 08-Aug-2005 | Cat's PrayerNow I lay me down to sleep
I pray this cushy life to keep
I pray for toys that look like mice
and warm cushions soft and nice
For grocery bags where I can hide
Just like a tiger croucched inside
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks
and someone nice to scratch my back
For window sills all warm and bright
for shadows to explore by night
I pray I'll always stay real cool
and keep the secret feline rule
To never tell a human that
The world is really run by cats.
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