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| Posted by I Like Cheese You Like Cheese on 14-Aug-2005 | The Perfect PetA man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to
buy a pet that can do everything.
The owner says, "How about a dog?"
The man replies, "A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog can't
doeverything!"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I
want a pet that can do everything!"
The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it -- a
centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing
everything. But, okay ... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to it, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's
immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed,
polished, dried and put away. The countertops have been cleaned.
The appliances are sparkling. The floor has been waxed.
He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the
living room." Twenty minutes later he walks into the living
room. The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture clean and
dusted, the pillows on the sofa plumped and the plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've
ever seen. This is truly a pet that can do everything."
He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a
newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later,
no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes
later, no centipede. The man is wondering what's going on. The
centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.
Forty-five minutes later, still no centipede! The man can't
imagine what happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get
run over by a car? Finally, he goes to the front door and opens
it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside the door.
The man says, "Hey! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the
corner and get me a newspaper. What's the story?" The centipede
says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm puttin' on my shoes!"
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| Posted by Joe F. Cool on 14-Aug-2005 | The Slow SpeakerJohn and Steve were high school buddies. They have not seen each
other since they both went to college. Five years went by and
they ran into each other at a bar.
John spotted Steve first, "Hey Steve!" "Hey John! Long time no
see!" John was surprised that Steve spoke smoothly without
stutters--Steve has been stuttering since he was a child. "How
did you fix your speaking?" "I went to the doctor and he said
that if I speak really slow, I won't stutter! Did you hear? I
almost got married!" "How did you ALMOST get married?"
"Well, I was sitting on the front porch with my fiance and the
dog was sitting there too and he was scratching his back!
Although I have to speak slow, I said to my wife: When we're
married YOU can do that for me and then I pointed to the dog.
But, because I talk so slow, by then he was licking his balls!"
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| Posted by Lisa R. Schwarz on 14-Aug-2005 | Dogs vs. CatsA dog thinks, "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me,
provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me.
They must be Gods!"
A cat thinks, "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me
with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. I must be a
God!"
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| Posted by jeff on 14-Aug-2005 | Dead DobermanA highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and
clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the
Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out
through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the
quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog
just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do
you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."
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| Posted by Courtney L. van Emmerik on 14-Aug-2005 | Music for a movieJerry was hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he was
excited. He was especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos.
After the sessions, which went wonderfully, Jerry couldn't wait to see the
finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the
film.
A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a
porno flick that would be out in a month, and he told Jerry where he could
go to see it.
A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the
theatre where the picture was playing. He walked in and sat way in the
back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding.
The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick
ever...group sex, S&M, golden showers...and then, halfway through, a dog
got in on the action.
Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women,
in every orifice, and most of the men. Embarrassed, Jerry turned to the
old couple and whispered, "I'm only here for the music."
The woman turned to Jerry and whispered back, "That's okay, we're just
here to see our dog."
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| Posted by Sarah Sanchez on 14-Aug-2005 | The Matling BullA man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading
down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first
bull and his sign stated, "This bull mated 50 times last
year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50
times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated, "This bull
mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and
says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5
times a month. You can learn from this one also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said, "This bull
mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and
says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A
DAY! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it
was 365 times with the same cow."
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